Monday Morning Survival Guide

2010-11-15 00:00

CELESTE Ntuli has been entertaining crowds with her witty perspective onhuman culture since 2005.

“I always knew that I was funny. Wherever I was, I would talk and people would crack up with laughter.”

Ntuli was born in Empangeni and grew up in a rural village called Eniwe.

“One day I saw a poster of a stand-up comedy show featuring Sthembiso Khumalo, who was one of the best comedians in KwaZulu-Natal and whom I knew,” said Ntuli.

“So I looked him up and called him. He gave me a church gig and the next thing I knew, I got a call from Monwabisi Grootboom who wanted to book me for 100% Zulu Comedy. After that, the rest is funny history.”

A subscriber to Bantu culture “and no, that has nothing to do with Bantu education,” says Ntuli, she has now been in the funny business for six years. She resigned from her day job in January this year to become a full-time comic. She recently compiled her first one-woman DVD recording (the first South African woman to do so), which is being released at the end of the year.

How does it feel to be a female comedian?

“Well, except for it being ‘breasty’ and ‘funny’, it feels great because I am doing what I love to do and I get a chance to put on extra make-up, dress up and look fabulous doing it.”

Hmmm ... we put her funny to the test.

What is your Monday morning survival guide?

Depends on the book I am reading at the time.

Culture is like …

Classic dress: not in fashion but always in style.

Men and women were …

not meant to fall in love.

Four different uses of a braai stand.

Drying underwear and socks, substitute for a camp chair, decoration and a side table.

What do you do when you are bored and standing in a long queue?

Look at different strangers and imagine what they do for a living or picture them as a married couple.

What would I find in your purse right now?

Except for my wallet, make-up and the norm, it would be condoms.

What did one culture say to the other?

Who are you?

How would you fire someone?

Did you know that unemployment is the new solidarity?

If you had to write a joke book about South Africa what would be one of the jokes?

Black is the new white.

Modern music is …

old music done badly.

Cheating is …

informal polygamy.

An annoying habit that you cannot stand.

Old black people speaking English with their children and thinking everybody should do the same.

Stereotypes that you hate?

A wealthy black man must be in on BEE deals.

What’s the funniest line you’ve heard in a sitcom?

Will & Grace: “Grace, I can’t talk to my friends about this because they are rich, sophisticated and full of life, so it’s better to talk to you because you’re boring and cheap.”

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