The best SUV. Ever.

2010-12-03 00:00

Afghanistan fighters are tough. They kicked the mighty Russia's arse, repeatedly, and are now doing ditto on the collective bums of U.S. grunts.

Death hath no sting for these Taliban soldiers and they fear nor hunger nor thirst, only Allah. Thus, when they do respect a bakkie, it is bound to be a good 'un ... and it so happens that the bakkie they do respect most is built in Benoni, South Africa.

So tough is the Benoni Bomb Bakkie that its manual is co-authored by Vernon Koekoemoer, infamous as the oke who can like to tell Chuck Norris he is looks naff in that hat.

Furthermore, this bakkie is tuned by Agent K. Double Oh. Eish, or just "Koos" to his mates on the ultra 4x4 challenges, where he was South Africa's top driver several years-running.

And being tuned in Benoni, capital of the dropped-suspension, bi-turbo, nitro-fulled hatchback, agent Koos' eight-ton, armoured-plated Benoni bakkie can run like a township brak after a bitch on heat and ramp over mine dumps, to then land without fusing any of the vertebratae of the passengers on the sprung hammock seats inside.

So thick are the steel-plated walls that one barely hear the crump of explosions outside. The RG32M can take 12 kilogrammes of exploding TNT spread, 4kg under each axle and 4kg in the middle.

Unconfirmed reports also allege that our keen lads in the employ of the Taliban have a handy rule of thumb to determine which armour-plated car they just blew up. We loosely translated a section below:

Blown-panzer recognition guide:

1. When the smoke clears and the pieces are small and bloody, it was that born-in-the-U.S.A. Humvee. And we all know those infidels treat war as an export business.

2. When the smoke clears and the pieces are bigger, with lots of moaning going on in the line of "buggerdisforalark" and "Aaisayoldchap", it was a British Panther panzerkar. And those camel-f**ers refused to learn from Hitler.

3. If the smoke clears and the pieces are not only still moving, but gunning for you while some blerrie lunatic Canadian or Irish soldier screams "joumasehare!", then it is that bakkie from Benoni. Again. Prepare to meet the great Allah.

The rest of the specs are classified, but all you really need to know about the RG32M is that it comes with a Steier or Cummins diesel under the hood that, linked to an auto box that drives all the wheels; it can still drive at least 1km after its fuel tank got shot to bits; and it will shoot back with a big automatic on the roof.

All yours for just under R2 million, with discounts for bulk orders from its makers at BAE Vickers OMC, Benoni.

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