Colleen Figg

It's not your fault

2009-01-16 10:01

Colleen Figg

I'm pleased to report - for those women who simply cannot stop hopping from relationship to relationship - that none of it is your fault.

You can stop paying your therapist or imagining you are a necrophiliac, I mean, nymphomaniac because the truth is out there and it is so much simpler than any such nasty deviations might suggest.

There's a hormone, you see, a key sex hormone, called oestradiol and if you stay with me I'll outline for you just how this nasty little hormone works.

Firstly if you haven't got big breasts, a low waist to hip ratio and "facial attractiveness" (however one would categorically define such) you are safe from becoming an "opportune serial monogamist".

If this sounds like an oxymoron to you let me clarify that the people who have studied this have assured us that you will not, and I repeat not, be subject to the urge to have meaningless one night stands but that the moment you are ensconced in a satisfactory long term relationship this hormone will monopolise you like the alien in the film of the same name and you will compulsively seek out another long term partner immediately.

Fickle sexual charge

It occurs to me that the damages resulting from such obsessive relocating could be quite costly especially if you and your first long term chappie have already put down the deposit on the new house and changed the colour scheme.

Similarly if you have obtained, jointly, any designer pets like those disdainful cats with the flat faces and fur all over the place; you may be looking at a feline custody suit at the very least.

Secondly, this hormone encourages those suffering from the invasion to view themselves as more sexy and desirable than other women. This is not necessarily a bad thing, all things considered.

The negative effect of this will be felt only by the men, who evidently will be drawn to these predatory sexual Amazons, against their judgement and/or better natures and will land up throwing over the traces of their own stable relationships to blindly pursue this fickle sexual charge.

A word of caution must be issued in the matter of contraceptives because this bizarre affliction makes women more fertile and if you don't stop the gap, so to speak, in relationship 1, you will have high child maintenance costs once you move on to relationship # 2 where you will most likely accrue another child for whom you will also be responsible.

Absolved from responsibilty

Unless and until you learn about and implement contraception because of this particular condition, this sad scenario looks set to continue ad infinitum. More expense!


The only light I can possibly see at the end of the tunnel is that none of this is your fault. Just like that lot in government, you are entirely absolved from responsibility.

Not too shabby, eh Nige?

Send your comments to Colleen.

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