Colleen Figg

The anti-resolution

2007-12-21 09:10

Colleen Figg

I've decided to embark on a convoluted game of reverse psychology with myself next year.

In New Year's Resolutions of the past I was known to write down lists of what I would like to achieve, what I was certain to achieve and what I hoped to achieve but before the ink dried on the page I had broken every one of them in the most appalling and final manner possible.

When I said I wanted to lose five kilogrammes, I put on ten. This had to do with the sudden urgency on my part to have wild dinner parties with lots of alcohol the moment the Resolution was made.

The food had to be lavish and fattening (to welcome the New Year in) and the drinks had to be endless, large and complicated, involving cream and egg yolks if at all possible. I would see these "dinners" as my send off to my bad habits and try to use them to draw a line under the old to usher in the new.

I'd resolve to manage money better (we who never have any are always making this resolution funnily enough) and then I'd have to rush off to the bank to get money to buy myself some smaller clothes and other necessities, to ensure I was "motivated" to lose the weight I wanted to be rid of.


Another of my common resolutions was to be more understanding and accepting of others. Within minutes I'd be mown down by some fat woman with a trolley she had no licence for; or elbowed aside by an overbearing toad of a man in the bank who thought because he had more money than I, he could do as he liked.

I'd be dealt with by surly cashiers who clearly had made no resolutions of their own and in the end I would launch a scathing, vitriolic attack on the lot of them, their parents, the suburbs they grew up in and the middle class boring values they espoused.

I'd mention their mongrels who bred like rabbits and whose ribs stuck out from their mangy unpleasant coats; their Ford Cortinas with naartjies on the aerials; their complete lack of intelligence in any discernible form, and end off saying something I cannot repeat here before marching away from the place feeling quite pleased with myself.

So this year I have decided to make anti-resolutions. I do not wish to lose weight, make more money, engage in some useful and mind-enhancing activity; I have no wish to expand my business interests, nor will I even consider being polite to anyone.

I will make no attempt at self improvement in any shape or form and by the end of the year I plan to be living on some neglected plot in the middle of Brakpan, with cars in various stages of "improvement" rusting in my yard.

Happy 2008 everyone!

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