79.3% closer to a failed state

2012-11-20 08:52

David Moseley

These are worrying times for all South Africans. Protests, alleged presidential pilfering and the current incomprehensible storyline on Isidingo plague the nation. It's time, then, to look at some future scenarios to determine whether we move out of the suburbs or simply build higher walls.

Like the venerable Mr Clem always says, if you act like a fox you need to run through the bushes a lot quicker than the hunter, otherwise the beagles will bite your tail off. He's not wrong, you know. There's nothing worse than a nip in the bum.

The situation in South Africa is increasingly dire. Just this past weekend my local Pick 'n Pay ran out of marinated ribs. Like some third-world scavenger, I was forced to forage for plain ribs and purchase my own sauce. That's one red flag. Another red flag is the amount of time the queues at Woolworths are taking to get to the till. It's just too long.

Flags are the best way to determine the likelihood of a failed state. They're easy to use, colour-coordinated and can be hung from just about any property.

For instance, a green flag signals a 10% chance of a failed state occurring. Situations like being forced to drink bottled water at your beachside holiday home can lead to the raising of a green flag.

A yellow flag scenario, represented by a lack of cellphone reception and no internet on a smartphone, raises the possibility of a failed state to 11.2%.

Red flags, though, are the most series indicators. Red flag situations include buying your child a Citi Golf instead of a Golf Gti for a first car, or having to shop at Checkers because your local Woolies just closed for refurbishment.

Danger, danger

We know that two red flags mean danger for the country, while a white flag with a shark on it indicates the presence of a shark in the bay. This is the worst time to go surfing.

All these flags combined could make a nice quilt, or see South Africa drop out of the premier league of countries. If that were to happen, our DStv would be taken away and the nation would be forced to watch SABC 2 on a constant loop. Barack Obama, though, would probably come visit us then, out of pity more than anything else.

The warning signs are all there. But South Africa is also full of people who can think like a fox, and clever foxes know that to survive in the second division of the third word you simply need a Kung Fu Panda by your side.

The 79.3% chance of South Africa becoming a failed state is scientific and exact. All research was done on Twitter and Facebook where everyone knows exactly what is wrong with the country and has the solutions required. Further, if the Springboks don't manage to score four tries in every match next year, the percentage will jump to 84.

But really, to decide how you react to the situation in South Africa you need to first know what kind of animal you are. A fox will plan ahead, and ensure that the purple passport is valid and ready to be deployed. A lion will just sit around and lick his balls.

*Dear Mr Sunter, please don't take this personally. I'm a big fan of your columns and insight. Love, Dave.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

Send your comments to David

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  • stephan.vanheerden.927 - 2012-11-20 09:14

    Love it...also love Mr Sunter though!

      tim.gordon.5011516 - 2012-11-20 10:34

      I suspect this was either written at 3.26am, or after a "mother's little helper ..." Either way, very funny

  • terrence.trichardt - 2012-11-20 09:41

    Just wasted 5 minutes of my time reading this.

      charlesdumbwin.dumbwin - 2012-11-20 09:49

      It's tongue in cheek of course, something different. I quite enjoyed it. Dave I'm going to be having our passports ready, just in case, but really do hope that rural South Africa can wake up and start voting with their heads and not their hearts. ANC all the way will cripple SA for sure.

      art5SA - 2012-11-20 10:07

      The Mangaung conference is going to be the MAKE OR BREAK, for me keeping my current businesses in SA! Thank goodness I have vision in 2008 and moved my HQ to Holland... I now just need to get to the airport.... Will the last person leaving SA, PLEASE FEED THE PIGS!

      CapeIndependence - 2012-11-20 10:56

      Another horrible article from a liberal making jokes about a very real situation in SA. This guys "articles" are the worst kind of poison.

      francois.viljoen.731 - 2012-11-20 11:12

      Just wasted 30 seconds replying to your comment,

  • dustin.dumaresq - 2012-11-20 10:08

    Hysterical stuff. Well done dave.

      ClassWarTrotsky - 2012-11-20 12:02

      You set the bar for 'hysterical stuff' quite low.

      dustin.dumaresq - 2012-11-21 08:26

      OK ok... would "worth a giggle" be acceptable :) ? Tough crowd!

  • CapeIndependence - 2012-11-20 10:55

    What a load of absolute cr@p - typical ultra-liberal trying to sell the current situation off as conspiracy theory nonsense.

      david.a.moseley - 2012-11-20 11:04

      Thanks for telling me what I was doing. I was wondering what I was up to myself. Toodles.

  • vaughan.lund - 2012-11-20 10:58

    5 minutes I will never get back

  • maria.roth.589 - 2012-11-20 12:13

    The only problem for people who have spent their lives building up something in this country so that they could retire in peace are now in a position of having their investments instead of growing sliced to 10% of their global value and the fear that if the ANC go down that in their fury they will burn the country down with their going. We have strong memories of their implacable cruelty in the run up to the first elections. Having a passport ready doesn't help people who can no longer work and who have had their investments eroded. So yes very amusing but a rather glib dismissal of the concerns of an impoverished but not improvident older generation who have always considered spare ribs a luxury and rather put that money into retirement annuities.

  • netswera.livhuwani - 2012-11-20 13:14

    haa comeone marinate ribs?we blacks have been experiencing that for a long time we dont even recognize that as a sign of a wellcome bootie

  • paul.penzhorn - 2012-11-20 13:18

    Yawn. Thanks for the invite to the flag!

      david.a.moseley - 2012-11-20 13:21

      Only my running mates were invited, Penzi...

  • phathuchicos - 2012-11-20 16:02

    really!!! dude what do you do for living besides thinking like that? a drain cleaner maybe?

      david.a.moseley - 2012-11-20 16:22

      I wash dishes for a living, this is just a hobby.

      charlesdumbwin.dumbwin - 2012-11-20 20:02

      Good to hear Mr Moseley. My domestic is demanding a R 12 500 minimun wage. Are you free Tuesdays?

  • Janet - 2012-11-20 16:04

    Thanks for reminding us to laugh Dave, and there I was starting to get worried about SA and all....;)

  • marinda.bruin - 2012-11-20 19:24

    Ha ha! Comic relief!

  • manu.dibango.96 - 2012-11-20 23:51

    That was a funny count down to a failed state.

  • Bertverlinde - 2012-11-21 11:39

    Yeah good article. Funny. I criticised one of your articles more than a year ago, I apologise.

  • paul.penzhorn - 2012-11-22 09:09

    I see ESKOM have lifted the ban on News24 and they are allowed to comment and vote.....

  • richard.compere.7 - 2012-11-22 11:55

    Dave, the long queues at Wollies are part of the AA policies!!!

  • arthur.salvado - 2012-11-23 07:48

    Thinking with the left side of the brain box ? Very funny but down deep you will find a little truth. Enjoyed it thank you.

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