ANC wins back Western Cape

2012-06-12 11:30

David Moseley

Helen should have known better. When a naked time traveller pulled up outside her home in a fabulous yet failed 80s sports car threatening to arrest her for future crimes of fashion, she should have run.

But that’s not her style. She offered to help. And now she’s trapped, journeying through historical limbo in a time continuum splitting phone booth with two dopes proclaiming "excellent" every time they witness a moment in history.

And the rest of us? Well, Marius Fransman got his wish, and the ANC was able to win back the Western Cape – "just by talking to farm workers and Muslims" - he promises, no dirty tricks involving sentient time travelling machines. Honest.

Bizarrely, though, the new ruling party is not overly ecstatic with its latest acquisition. The president, having moved his digs to Cape Town, now finds that he has to fly his wives to Joburg first before they can go shopping in London.

Meanwhile, Gauteng, Limpopo and the Eastern Cape, left to their own devices, thrive as well-run regions. Little or no government interference has allowed roads to be repaired, stock markets to stabilise and schools to be built.

With the ANC celebrating non-stop for three years at the mysterious disappearance of Helen, the major provinces of the country have been able to regroup and structure themselves as institutions that create jobs and look after their citizens. "It’s remarkable, " says a benefactor of this ‘new’ all-inclusive governance, "there are no Mercedes Benz jeeps driving around, no lavish mansions being constructed, just new schools, health care facilities and the road works, oh my, I haven’t seen a pothole in 18 months."

A new Cape

Meanwhile, Mr Fransman, after "reaching out" to the coloured community and "recognising" the 1.3 million Muslims in the province, is now confused by their demands. "I went to the farms and the mosques, but now everyone keeps asking me to repair plumbing problems and to erect electricity pylons. That’s not my job. Someone else must do it."

Tony Ehrenreich is not happy, either. He’s set up campsites on Rondebosch Common and at least three Constantia wine farms, but with local whitey residents having long fled the "swart gevaar" to the high walls of Morningside, he’s got no one to argue with. Tony, looking for a fight, or the very least, a previous regime to blame, is now considering taking his Land Reform Army to Sandton.

"For too long those shops have been divisive and exclusive, denying ordinary South Africans the right to Breitling watches and Swarovski studded coffee mugs. We have Cape Town now, and even though we don’t know what to do with it, it’s time to focus again on Joburg. Ever since we left the Gauteng people have been enjoying themselves way too much. We need to take up arms, battle back across the Orange River and show people that we are serious about being serious. Seriously."

Since taking control in Cape Town, closing down SAA’s direct international routes and allowing the ANCYL to expel foreign investors, the ANC can’t figure out why the province is failing and the rest of the country is booming. "You know, it’s that bladdy Tony Leon’s fault," says an unnamed government source. "He buggered off to Argentina and left Helen here. All she cares about is that daft bike ride. It’s her fault that the airport has closed and that the Germans now go to Port Elizabeth for their wooden giraffes. We’ve tried to get a few tourists out to Robben Island, but we haven’t been able to get the ferries working for the last three years."

Good riddance

While the ANC remains chuffed with the running (into the ground) of the Western Cape, some in power can’t help but feel there’s been a monumental cock-up along the way. "We’ve tried our best to be divisive, to keep the race groups apart and at each other’s throats at the same time," says a dissatisfied government worker, "but Capetonians are weird, man. They just mooch around all day drinking coffee, lurking at the beach, or demanding that Gio Aplon start for the Springboks. These people are crazy."

However, one new development from the Brett Murray-hating Western Cape ANC government has been applauded. Said a local city dweller: "I'm aware ANC members are not art lovers. And for that I'm truly grateful. If they do nothing else in Cape Town, at least they've got rid of that fucking awful Bart Simpson statue on St George's Mall. In apocalyptic futures like this, it's the little victories that count."

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

Send your comments to David

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  • Ant - 2012-06-12 12:12

    ja well no fine

  • thutothegreat - 2012-06-12 12:17

    lol wow, this future i hate to see...

  • jamesi.kazonga - 2012-06-12 12:43

    idiotic writing

      twain.smith.7 - 2012-06-12 13:55

      All those little truths must hurt like a thousand paper cuts, yes?

      jacques.d.devilliers - 2012-06-12 13:55

      Right back at you

  • gary.hope1 - 2012-06-12 12:56

    i agree Joanne, something weird on this forum, my comments get removed, and i try and keep a level head and watch my p's & q's and then chops like this do not get removed, this facilitator must be from the youth leaugue~ :)

      Joanne - 2012-06-12 14:39

      My comment that was removed was: even if a column has gone over your head, you don't have to make it obvious. No cursing, no racism, no hate speech, no pics of anyone's anatomy - weird, right?

      Cody - 2012-06-12 15:12

      It's probably a BBEEE appointment who pressed the wrong button. My comments have been removed too and they were all clean and valid as you can see from the comment lower down. If it is still there!!!!

  • heather.stip.7 - 2012-06-12 13:13


  • Helmut - 2012-06-12 13:28

    Not at your best

  • Cody - 2012-06-12 14:49

    David, Your stories have always been weird and out there, somewhere where most South African's don't go for various reasons. I however have been there without any pharmaceutical or illegal assistance just with the power of the mind. I enjoy your writing and having lived in the cape for 10 years probably still have a bit of the "mountain" in me. Your tongue in cheek look at the situations in the cape and the idealistic mutterings and simplistic "pie in the sky" outbursts from the opposition political parties and their supporters in the cape are at least exposed for the drivel that it is. Thank you for writing these stories as at least two of us do enjoy them (Marion and I)

      david.a.moseley - 2012-06-12 15:31

      Thanks Cody. Much appreciated.

      Marion - 2012-06-12 17:05

      Cody I don't even live in SA anymore and most of what David writes about is over my head, but knowing David as I do I still really get a laugh out of most of it. Then when I scroll down to the comments.... well that is when I laugh the hardest. Some people are soooo intense.

  • zaatheist - 2012-06-13 04:31

    There is stuff on the internet that should not be read by kiddies in case they get frightened. Come to think of it, I'm frightened. Off the wall. Nice.

  • Philip Buys - 2012-06-13 04:46

    Oh that was something fresh and really nice. Thanks that was good tong in the cheek writing!

  • matt.jordan.144 - 2012-06-13 12:15

    Haha!Dude, some comic relief during exam studies, thanks! I guess some people dont have much of a sense of humour, or a sense of realism at that. Keep it up!

  • Glyn - 2012-06-13 15:16

    News24 dug deep for this one.

  • chris.heiberg - 2012-06-20 14:17

    lol. loved it.

  • Garreth - 2012-06-21 07:19

    Brilliant writing. Did you send a copy to Tony?

  • matebesi.khumalo - 2012-06-23 13:23

    plain SABOTAGE

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