DA courts Germans, Dutch

2012-10-23 09:37

David Moseley

ANC spies have confirmed to their masters that the Cape is under siege.

While on routine patrols guarding against displays of excessive whiteness at Rondebosch Common, Constantia Village and Cavendish Square shopping centres, ANC “spooks” were called to witness a worrying scene inside Cape Town’s CBD. Alerted by sharp-eyed citizens, the ANC spies arrived in the city centre to confirm their party’s worst nightmare: hordes of white Germans and Dutch cruising Long Street, subtly invading the province.

Second coming

Now, hot on the heels of the South African spy network uncovering the British government and Helen Zille’s coup plot to unseat the ruling party by flooding the country with football hooligans and extreme amounts of vinegary fish and chips at election time, the ANC will have to contend with the second coming of pale-skinned Europeans intent on whisking away African ladies in the middle of the night.

A senior government official, who is also the CEO of a gold mine, an MD of a large financial institution, the owner of a newspaper group and a Sunday school ethics teacher, has said that the government is now monitoring the movements of German and Dutch visitors to South Africa who, for some unfathomable reason, have congregated en masse in the Tamboerskloof area of the city.

“We don’t know who they are, we don’t know what they want,” said the high-ranking revolutionary struggle comrade youth, “but we have a very particular set of skills. And we will find them, and find out what they want with our mines, our women and our township tours.”

The invasion

Worried government spies have pointed to Helen Zille’s surname as a sign that a second Dutch invasion is imminent. “It’s obvious with a surname like ‘Zille’ that the Western Cape Premier has no interest in local South Africans,” said the government official. “We also know Premier Zille and Angela Merkel tweet each other about the latest power-dressing fashions and share the same awful hair-dresser. This has to stop.”

When asked for comment Zille, suspiciously wiping what appeared to be sauerkraut and pretzel crumbs off her chin, said she was unavailable as she was too busy trying to escort Tony Ehrenreich, who has been camping on her front lawn for the last two weeks, off her property. When asked why she was taking out the trash in lederhosen, the Premier sniffed, “I find them comfortable…”

Mr Ehrenriech, however, was quick to offer an opinion when no one asked him. “You know, first theses foreigners will move into Tamboerskloof, but before you know it they’ll be living in Constantia and all around the Rondebsoch Common. It’s not fair. I saw it first,” said a clearly distraught Ehrenreich.

For the love of SA

When pressed on the matter of the white invasion and a possible government takeover by British, German and Dutch forces, Ehrenreich continued, “You know what’s worse? Have you seen who’s slipped back into the country – Tony Leon! That oke! He’s probably bringing in half the population of Argentina as we speak. Though I guess they’re not really white. What colour would you call them? I’m not sure. But one thing’s for certain, Tony Leon, in those dapper suits and intellectual musings, means trouble!”

Dutch political analyst Claude van der Clog-en-Dyke hinted that his countrymen love South Africa because the weed was better than Amsterdam’s, and that factor alone could account for the high numbers of Dutch people in South Africa. When asked to comment on the accusations of Germany annexing the Cape from the rest of South Africa, a German official simply asked, “Where?”

President Zuma is said to be unconcerned about the matter, but is said to be pondering out loud the possibility of adding a voluptuous German maiden to his harem of wives.

Meanwhile, in Britain, Boris Johnson has announced his intention to run for mayor of Bishop’s Court should his bid for Prime Minister of Britain fall through. Manufacturers of combs in the area are said to be gravely concerned.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

Send your comments to David

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  • charlesdumbwin.dumbwin - 2012-10-23 10:44

    Very funny, Dave. Seems the DA is taking a leaf out of the ANC's strategy book. Bus in those rent-a-riot crowds every time you want to look as though you have adequate support. Although, I do think the DA's support is actually growing.

      mc.segal.5 - 2012-10-24 18:10

      Please vote for an independant WC UP for yes down for no.

  • mark.ross.779 - 2012-10-23 10:45

    Very Hayibo-esque. I like it. No shortage of material this year for satire. As they say - if we don't laugh, we'll cry

  • dewald.smit - 2012-10-23 10:59

    Whahaha, well writen. Very funny. Its a relief to see some humor like this.

  • richard.hipkin - 2012-10-23 12:26

    "Mr Ehrenriech, however, was quick to offer an opinion when no one asked him." Classic!

  • frank.liebenberg1 - 2012-10-23 12:36

    Witty! Note who have been commenting.....those who have understood! Now watch the comments on this comment....

  • annandale1 - 2012-10-23 13:36

    Witty Hilarious Fun! I always enjoy David Moseley's articles!

  • karenRSA - 2012-10-23 14:03


  • dionne.barnard - 2012-10-23 14:14

    what next, spooks, spies. give us a break

  • sibusiso.ngwena - 2012-10-23 14:38

    Loved it, well done!

  • stefan.alberts.77 - 2012-10-23 16:08


  • jaun.lombard.9 - 2012-10-23 16:24

    I had such a busy day and reading something in the news that is funny made my day...thanx!

  • louis.hager.12 - 2012-10-23 17:03

    @David Moseley, whenever I read your column I long for the days when I lived in Mowbray, (or Rondebosh-South) as we affectionately called it. Dave, keep up the good work, even though some find it difficult to grasp. And @whatthehecktony.saso or however you spell that, (like we really care). Get a life bru! It's called satire and it comes with a basic educated grasp of any language and or being human.

  • ndumiso.mncwango - 2012-10-23 17:17

    With things as they are in SA, one finds oneself debating whether this news or just humour. Our politics IS a joke

  • Carlton - 2012-10-23 17:49

    Lol the second coming.

  • thelma.flynn.96 - 2012-10-23 19:51

    Oh my what next is going to be dreamed up. What a lot of tommy rot

  • louise.snyman.351 - 2012-10-24 10:45

    I LOVE this article. You are always a please to read David and I thank you.

  • gail.haselsteiner - 2012-10-24 16:21

    This article was very amusing, thanks David. The part where Zille dressed in lederhosen and eating sauerkraut tickled me pink... as was the second coming. I have a image in my mind of Zuma's spies doing foot patrols up Long Street trying to find out who is who in Cape Town. That's easy, there is a hoard of German, Dutch and Swiss nationals in areas such as Higgovale and Oranjezicht. You can't miss them, they are always carrying rucksacks and more often than not wearing socks with sandals. And Boris Johnson.... Bishop's Court will never be the same again....LOL. Helen Zille for President!!

  • bronwyngrobler - 2012-10-26 03:23

    Brilliantly written and exceedingly funny. Thank you!

  • richardcc - 2012-10-28 09:54

    Hahahaha!! Comb manufactureres. Priceless!!

  • masupa.tsela - 2012-10-28 18:50

    Looks every generation of black to ever be born will come and leave the face of this earth without knowing freedom!

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