David Moseley

Does this come in a 34?

2013-05-21 14:18

David Moseley

Sweat streamed into my eyes with the force of 50 chopped onions. My back arched acrobatically as my fingers strained towards the end of my socks. My shoes untied, the socks refused stubbornly to budge unless I performed a front somersault.

Frustrated grunts escaped my clenched teeth while my bum bashed into a rickety door and my head clattered into an unflattering mirror. Hopping hopelessly, I managed to get both legs into place. Sucking, sighing and exhaling, I buttoned up, only to be appalled by my awkwardly dressed reflection.

Above me, the heat of a thousand indoor braais rained down over my contorted body, blinding me, boiling me and completing the torture.

All I want is a pair of pants.

Outside, a quiet voice, alerted by the crashing sounds of my poorly executed Cubicle Time Warp and straining to be heard over a Daft Punk concert evidently taking place at the till point, asks if everything is okay.

No. Everything is not okay. Everything is far from okay.

All I want is a pair of pants. Not a lunchtime tribute to the world’s most enduring electronica outfit, not an opportunity to shed unwanted kilos in your recreation of a Bangladeshi shoe factory masquerading as a change room, just pants. All I want is pants.

“These are very popular right now, sir.”

I’m sure they are. However, I like my parts to breathe during the day. Do you have something that doesn’t require a can of Castrol’s best to squeeze into?

“I don’t understand, sir.”

Pants. Just a nice, casual pair of trousers that aren’t jeans, that aren’t pleated for high school teacher comfort, that aren’t for aspirant rockers and that aren’t one size too big around the waist, two sizes too tight around the thighs and wetsuit-like around the ankles.

I don’t blog. I don’t trend. I don’t wear a hat to work or a scarf in summer. I just want some pants.

“I have just the thing!”

Excellent. I shall again retire to your sweltering, strobe-lit hell hole of solitary confinement with “Around the World” ringing in my ears, once more remove my shoes and jeans all while perspiring in the manner of the condemned awaiting the noose, and await your selection. By the way, I think this song has been on already.

“Pardon, sir.” Never mind. 

“Here you go. Casual, straight fit, neutral colour and able to be dressed up or down.”

Fantastic. Do they come in a 34?

“No sir, we’ve just run out of stock. Sir? Please sir, don’t cry.”

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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