I'm caught in a trap

2012-10-16 10:38

David Moseley

To paraphrase from the Talking Heads' Psycho Killer, "do something once, why do it again?" (Original lyric, "say something once, why say it again"). From Elvis' Suspicious Minds I borrow "I'm (correct lyric: "we're") caught in a trap". And from Coldplay's The Scientist I nod my head in agreement at "Nobody said it was easy". Finally, from Arrested Development's GOB Bluth, "I've made a huge mistake".

It's too late for me, but there's hope for the world's young gentleman lovers. Let me explain. Around 11 months ago I got up earlier than usual for work (being in media, I normally get up at three pm, gloss over a headline and then base finger-wagging opinions on what I haven't read and don't know. I go back to bed around seven).

Infused with enthusiasm and the can-do spirit of the early riser, I made Robyn a cup of coffee before she'd even had a chance to kick off the duvet. This made Robyn happy in a way that can't be fully told on a family website (and her mother reads these things).

Next morning my routine was back to normal (none of this pre-7am waking up nonsense for me), but I decided that the harder-working Robyn should get her cup of coffee in bed again. That's just the kind of guy I am. Plus, I sensed that the fate of the nation (that is, continued domestic bliss) depended on it. This made Robyn happy once more.

After a full week of this, I foolishly upped the ante. With her coffee, a biscuit! Now experienced male readers will notice two fatal errors here; starting something you'll never be allowed to finish, plus adding the extra flourish and setting the bar of expectation way too high before the wedding's even taken place.

In for life

There are certain naughty gods and kings from mythology who, instead of being put to death or forced to watch South African Idols on a constant loop, were punished for their insolence with a lifetime of tasks that either placed them in great danger or that they could never complete.

The 12 Labours of Hercules spring immediately to mind, as does the plight of poor old Sisyphus who, to this day, in some alternate Greek reality, still rolls his boulder up the hill only to watch it slide back down again. Coffee-making is my Sisyphean boulder. It's the task that will never end.

I tried once, you know, to stay in bed while Robyn showered and feign ignorance at all previous early morning coffee makings. Emerging from the steam, she sniffed, "Oh, so now that there's a ring, there's no coffee. What next? Tracksuit pants on evenings out?"

"No darling, of course not. I was just on the way to the kitchen. What biscuit would you like? I have Romany Creams, Jolly Jammers... and oh help me god, what have done..."

In that moment I received a telepathic wink from Sisyphus himself, welcome to the club it said. See you at the top of the hill. And again at the bottom. Please bring a biscuit.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

Send your comments to David

News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24

  • maryjean.hennis - 2012-10-16 11:01

    Yup, indeedy,welcome to the club, with Mark it is freshly squeezed orange juice every Saturday and Sunday morning and heaven help him if he tries to pass off the cartoned/bottled stuff :) xxx

      david.a.moseley - 2012-10-16 12:19

      I warned Mark at the wedding. He knew what he was in for.

  • coen.vanwyk.3 - 2012-10-16 11:02

    You poor sod, it's your own fault! And do not publish such seditious information, our women read the papers!

  • Hanjo.0 - 2012-10-16 11:16

    David, if Robyn sufficiently 'thanks you'. I see no reason for you to complain, quite the contrary actually.

  • ridah.booley - 2012-10-16 11:20

    DID you NOT read the memo on Married life 101???? NEVER set the expectation!!!! might as well work at a barista now...

  • gerrit.vanpletzen - 2012-10-16 11:31

    Welcome to my world.You are enjoying the benefits, though?

  • tommy.jones.754918 - 2012-10-16 11:33

    Don't worry, you are not alone...been there, still doing that.

  • Bob.Cee123 - 2012-10-16 11:40

    From one boulder-roller to another, good piece. It's just dawned on me, you are totally Johnny Knoxville's doppelganger.

  • vernon.meakin - 2012-10-16 11:44

    Why get married ,Just find a women you hate and buy her a house.

  • chris.pieters.332 - 2012-10-16 12:03

    David - once again a nice article. You do however need to now expand the activities of the club seeing that you are now forever stuck in the club together with a lot of us!!! - you still need to progress to also running the bath in the morning or evening should she decide to bath to relax after a long day at work!!! Don't worry if you have been a member of the club for as long as I have been, the thank you smile every now and then is very gratifying!!

  • heather.stip.7 - 2012-10-16 12:18

    Hahahahaha! Classic! Thanks, needed that chuckle!

  • paul.penzhorn - 2012-10-16 12:30

    Boring....rather watch Bokke or the Stormers play rugby.

      tommy.jones.754918 - 2012-10-16 12:42

      That reminds me, use the week to compile some "brownie points" for the weekend sports.

      david.a.moseley - 2012-10-16 13:36

      Penzi, you are such a troll. But I'm laughing. Well done. Although, maybe I should check with Mrs Penzi on what special treats she gets or doesn't get in the morning...

      charlesdumbwin.dumbwin - 2012-10-16 14:48

      Paul, speaking of boring...

  • liz.rudy.3 - 2012-10-16 13:11

    My Father used to place a hot cup of coffee next to my bed throughout my school years, even in to my twenties while I was still living with my folks.

  • bergie.sean - 2012-10-16 13:48

    The secret is to get out of the house to work early. Once the kids arrive you will see what I mean, work will become an oasis of calm, a place of refuge. Coffee in bed before marriage creates a status quo, you are doomed.

      tommy.jones.754918 - 2012-10-16 13:59

      Tried that a couple of times, till the wife started seeing through my plans. Now I'am on school drop off duty.

  • ludlowdj - 2012-10-16 14:59

    talking of lyrics, you have just qualified for Queen's "another one bites the dust" old chap, welcome to the club.

  • narduss - 2012-10-16 16:03

    Once a month I drop two table spoons of salt in the tea. I get silence for the next week. blisss

  • mike.bundy.73 - 2012-10-16 17:50

    One solution mate, "Teasmade". Best. Invention. Ever.

  • mzolisi.jika - 2012-10-20 18:42

    What the hell was that garbage I just read?

  • Anban Govender - 2012-10-22 11:19


  • pages:
  • 1