Pay fatties to lose weight

2010-10-05 08:45

You know, after reading about Professor Jonathan Jansen’s dire warning (in a criminally underdeveloped story, where the journalist almost certainly picked the juiciest quotes to get a reaction) that the country’s about to explode into a machete race war because angry white youths have had enough (I was wondering why I was so cross for the last 30 years. Now I know, apartheid. Oh my gosh, what a revelation. And all those nasty black people making my life so hard in the New South Africa. I’m so angry. Grrr. This is my angry writing, I have an angry face on) I started writing something serious.

Then, after thinking about it in my Thinking Room on my Thinking Seat, I realised that academics from small towns need to get out more and that, honestly, who gives a crap. The biggest problem in this country is stupidity (after robbery, rape and murder that is). Also, I believe in insulting everyone, and then no one can accuse you of bias.

Whites are stupid, blacks are stupid, coloured, Indians, Chinese, Zimbabweans, gays, straights, mine workers, politicians, journalists, we’re all fucking morons and no one is special, for myriad reasons in our own special ways, and the sooner we realise that and just get on with our lives, the better off we’ll be. (Of course, the biggest fools are the ones in charge. But then again, this is Africa and one shouldn’t be too surprised at that scenario).

Now that I’ve solved the race issue by tarring everyone with the same idiot brush, on to more pressing issues. I, David Moseley, intrepid investigative columnist, have discovered why the government is so gung-ho on establishing a National Health Insurance (NHI).

The fatty boom-booms in charge have no doubt been inspired by the United Kingdom’s National Health Service (NHS), but possibly also by a recent recommendation in Britain where a group has suggested that the NHS pay porky people to lose weight and give toys to children who do likewise. Basically, the UK’s NHS will bribe the country’s most rotund citizen’s to shed their excess kilos.

Naturally, this kind of thinking sits very well with South Africa’s heavy political powerhouses. It features all their favourite elements: free stuff, bribery, doing nothing while someone else gives you money and being coaxed into action not because it’s in the country’s or their best interest, but because they can get something out of it.

By passing a resolution for a South African NHI our egg-shaped elite will not only be able to skim more gravy off the top of the tax pie, but they’ll also be able to have their cake, eat it, then get bribed by their own NHI with promises of cash rewards, Free State farms or flashy Breitlings to stop eating the cake.

We all know politicians are just like kids, only more selfish and less inclined to share, so we could also just throw in a couple of He-Man, Thundercats and LEGO toys, because most of the Youth League and various other comrades would have missed out on those during apartheid (possible reason for their current resentment and anger at the white man who does nothing all day in the New South Africa apart from skip through leafy meadows wondering where his next massive Christmas bonus is coming from).

Though I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for a government official to put together a LEGO airport in one day. The machete race war will be over by the time they get to the flight control tower and realise their little LEGO bricks are all upside down. I’m going outside now to not be angry and hug a fellow South African.

Send your comments to David

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  • liesl - 2010-10-05 08:52

    hehehehe ... thanks for the giggle, David ... have a virtual hug from a fellow South African!

  • Sibongu - 2010-10-05 09:00

    How dare you talk about our ANC members like that!! WHITE TRASH!

  • Johnathan - 2010-10-05 09:05

    Just imagine the savings on government's fuel bills if the politicians lose some weight. The BMW 750i (with all the extras) won't have to to carry around about a ton of extra weight when it's occupied by one of our "honourables" and his/her entourage. (In addition to the ton of extra weight due to the armour plating which our politicians need because they are such good leaders.)

  • Tacita - 2010-10-05 09:07

    Oh, boy! I'm going to be rich!

  • alambchop - 2010-10-05 09:36

    HIGH-larious, love it

  • Bryan - 2010-10-05 09:37

    Thanks for the great story & laughs man!...keep it up.

  • Cuba - 2010-10-05 09:42

    Lose weight AND get He-Man action figures? I'm in :D

  • Dean - 2010-10-05 10:00

    @Sibongu. Dont drop your laptop out of the tree!

  • John @Sibongu - 2010-10-05 10:15

    Has David touched a nerve? Sometimes a truth pill is hard to swallow. I think what you need is a chill pill though

  • @ author - 2010-10-05 10:45

    Nice tongue-in-cheek satire. Especially the "intrepid investigative columnist" bit.

  • Gpurscreepers@Sibongu - 2010-10-05 10:54

    "Whites are stupid, blacks are stupid, coloured, Indians, Chinese, Zimbabweans, gays, straights, mine workers, politicians, journalists, we’re all fucking morons and no one is special..."

    And then there's you, Sibongu. You are that special kind of stupid found nowhere else in the world. The kind that can't be fixed.
    Now back in your cage or no crayons today.

    Cheers for that David, I lol'ed.

  • Sup - 2010-10-05 11:01

    Whipe your mouth dude, its loaded with drivel

  • @ Sibongu - 2010-10-05 11:12

    I have seen a lot of your comments on a lot of articles, and it would seem that you START the racial slurs... Are you hoping that SA does NOT become united??? because it is certainly starting to look that way. I love this country, all walks of life, all colours, all cultures - But it's people like you that keep trying to keep us divided.

  • InferiorSuperior - 2010-10-05 11:21

    The author forgot to mention those stupid people with inferior complexes and those stupid people with superior complexes.

  • @Author - 2010-10-05 11:27

    Journalists are really stupid. Especially those that need profanity to make a point.

    Discovery have been encouraging health & weight loss for years. The clowns at the ANC are only cottoning on now, simply becaisue their whole machinery figurativly & leterally have been overweight for years.

  • Rastaman - 2010-10-05 11:45

    Like, heavy, dude! Everyone's going to get on the "Rand-a-rotund-a"...

  • arfie - 2010-10-05 13:31

    lol funny article, I would like to suggest a cut in their benefits untill they reach their correct/goal weight. Why should you be rewarded for getting in that shape in the first place? That will be like rewarding anorexi's that pick up weight. Weight management is within each persons' scope, it is NOT rocket science. You over feed you will get FAT. You do not eat you will DIE.

  • suzz - 2010-10-05 13:38

    Excellent!!! I enjoyed that! And some of your points are spot on!!

  • fatty - 2010-10-05 13:40

    Dear David Moseley F U for calling me a fatty love fatty

  • Rob - 2010-10-05 15:05

    Pound for pound, another good one. Except for the bit about academics from small towns!

  • Podaydo - 2010-10-05 15:38

    I think the article is very good. but lets not forget the discriminative gravy train or cake as you put it that whites where devouring while we were allocated smaller, yards, smaller houses and smaller salary packages....guys I don't disagree that the current government is screwing us up and when they do the screwing they don't care whether they screw their own colour or not. For them its about the money and tenders. Lets unite to fight corruption.

  • Me again - 2010-10-05 15:52

    Does it count for whites too? Then I'll be rich as well as sexy after a few

  • Jim - 2010-10-05 16:07

    @Sibongu - How dare he insult our ANC members? are you insane you simple peasant !!!!!

  • @arfie - 2010-10-05 16:21

    So Arfie you don't have any weight issues. Great. STFU. You have no idea about weight loss/gain. It is not simply about calories in vs calories out (calorie balance).

  • Eish - 2010-10-05 16:27

    'Whites are stupid, blacks are stupid, coloured, Indians, Chinese, Zimbabweans, gays, straights, mine workers, politicians, journalists, we’re all fucking morons and no one is special, for myriad reasons in our own special ways, and the sooner we realise that and just get on with our lives, the better off we’ll be. (Of course, the biggest fools are the ones in charge. But then again, this is Africa and one shouldn’t be too surprised at that scenario)'

    LOLEST! JUST GOT MY LIGHTBULB MOMENT! Thanks David. Been trying to puzzle out for year!

  • JOE PAYAMPS - 2010-10-05 16:28

    Sounds good to me. One thing for sure is that if this article was printed in the USA, there would have been an uproar and David Moseley would have been fired from his position. This is why I like to read news from other parts of the world. Whole different perspective on things.

  • Gavin Buckle - 2010-10-05 23:40


  • arfie@ @arfie - 2010-10-06 07:48

    I was taught from a young age you are what you eat. You eat junk you look like junk. Fruit and veg are main meals in our house. One portion of meat, one green and one yellow veg and never two portions of starch on one plate, at one meal. My stomach is only as big as my loose fist, so I do not put more than that in at a meal. It is about control and self dicipline. To me in any case. Food is not a comforter/friend/feel good device. 5 small meals a day and I have never been over weight.

  • sonali - 2010-10-06 14:08

    I want a Thundercat toy! Give me you David....marry me.

  • Hank - 2010-10-06 14:51

    Sadly, this is truer than one might imagine. The average South African IQ is apparently 62 (Google it). Retard level is 60. Stupidity is by far the biggest stumbling block the nation faces. We need to be urgently focusing on our children's nutrition, intellectual stimulation and well being.

  • Philip - 2010-10-06 14:59

    It seems to be more and more acceptable to attack people who are obese. To the point point of government policy and public debate. I am amazed at why people feel the need to perpetually carry on and on about weight. Nobody chooses to be overweight and certainly if there was a choice I would rather be thin. The fact that I have served my country, am tertiary educated at my own cost, pay all my taxes and have a successful marriage with two magnificent sons is completely lost because the only thing people are capable of seeing are my size 40 pants. I am a couch potato, lard butt, fatty, lazy ass and clearly not capable of comprehending the impending disaster of my health and the planet. If being fat like the genius above stated is a choice and obesity related illnesses are excluded from medical aid cover, why aren't sports injuries. If a tosser falls of his bike and injures his muscle bound body why should my contributions be used to pay his medical bills but surgery to treat obesity is excluded. And at the end of the day what is the big deal with being fat - so you die younger. Why do thin people even give a shit.

    I was always fascinated by the huge numbers of people the Nazi's were able to get to man the concentration camps. Is there anything that a person could say to another person that would make the receiver of the message happily stand and separate children <5 years from their mothers and shuffle them off for extermination, day-in and day-out. The answer is no - these people did it by choice. I suppose the same could be said for the clergy in the Spanish Inquisition. People have chosen fat people as the new target and are trying to make is acceptable. The punch-line is that nobody has the right to make any comment about another persons weight or general health status. The fact that people do is abhorrant to me. That is an issue between my Doctor and I. So to all the fattist bigot nazi's out there, enjoy your spinach and get off my case.

  • Me again - 2010-10-06 15:50

    I have found that others who do not have to deal with me(or know me) have more problems with my weight than I do. I pay my own medical aid, can afford the best (thank God) I smoke there...
    P.S. It's not transferable or won't get fat by being friendly with a fat person.

  • Dr Steve Brule - 2010-10-07 09:45

    @Philip, you sound stressed, why don't you get a tub ice-cream and a few Mcdonalds cheese burgers, you'll feel better.

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