Poor people say: 'Shut it, Tony'

2012-07-03 09:11

David Moseley

Giggling and chortling media agencies around South Africa have reported that Cosatu’s Tony Ehrenreich believes the Cape Town Stadium can be turned into low-cost housing.

Ehrenreich, who allegedly convinced George Bush Jr that Saddam really, really did harbour weapons of mass distraction (and believes that World War II was lost by the Germans because they opened the Ark of the Covenant) told reporters that Cosatu had consulted with engineers who believed the stadium could be transformed.

The engineers reportedly added that for an extra R60, or a government tender, they could also transform Ehrenreich’s VW Beetle into a sentient 19-foot robot bodyguard named Bumbledork.

Tony, who many people believe is actually Leon Schuster in the method acting role of a lifetime, added, “This (converting the Stadium) represents an important opportunity to integrate black and white communities.”

What wasn’t learned from the press statement was whether Tony intends bussing in black or white people to live in his dystopian Green Point district, or if it was pointed out to Tony that the last time people were "ushered" into low-costing housing not of their choice that it didn’t turn out too well for the country at the time.

What about us?

Coloured and Indian Capetonians are also understood to be upset that they never get to mix with black and white Capetonians, and are demanding to know why Tony never mentions them in his unionist manifestos.

On top of already damaging rumblings of discontent regarding Tony only coming out of hibernation when he’s guaranteed to get on the press front pages, Cape Town Cosatu supporters are further up in arms because they were already promised wine farms in Constantia, not low-cost housing in a suburb where a double skinny decaf latte (no biscotti) with wings can cost close to R30 (and that’s just for the car guards).

Constantia residents are said to be confused too. “First he courts our property, then he moves on to Green Point,” said one desperate housewife through the keyhole of her imported Madagascan slave prison-bench front door. “I just wish he’d make up his mind, so I know which suburb I should move to. It’s a very stressful situation. I don’t want to relocate to Durbanville for no reason.”

Local "poor" people have not taken the suggesting lightly either. Green Point Homeless Persons Ratepayers representative Angelo Goldschmidt, who lost his home in an auction scandal earlier this year, told reporters that he’s not ready to move back to Green Point, and that for Tony to suggest that he should was highly insensitive. When told that the Cape Town Stadium housing project, tentatively labelled "Own Gaol", would probably only be for "non-white" Capetonians, Goldschmidt was heard to breath a sigh of relief. “Well in that case, I’ll just carry on living with my mom.”

Western Province officials, however, are said to be delighted with the move. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of this before,” said Western Province’s Director of Inefficiency. “Once all our young players have been bought by the Bulls we can finally change our name to the Cape Crusaders, move to the Athlone Stadium, and sell off Newlands as a low-cost housing precinct too. It’s really what we’ve been aiming for.”

Tony, meanwhile, is working on further conversion projects, apparently picking up where Leonardo da Vinci left off with attempts to turn lead into gold, and will next turn his attentions to turning water into wine...

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  • glyn.morgan.96 - 2012-07-03 09:42

    All that bull just to say that ehrenreich is a twit? Surely you can cut you prose a bit, make it more concise and save the readers some angst? But you are right with the "ehrenreich is a twit" thread. Now vote DA to give ehrenreich a big fright!

      lydonmcg - 2012-07-03 10:19

      Get a sense of humour, sour puss.

      glyn.morgan.96 - 2012-07-03 11:18

      @lydonmcg ... Check my humour out here ... Now vote DA to give ehrenreich a big fright!

  • Nicholas - 2012-07-03 09:43

    Where does the ANC always find these clowns with weird ideas that usually fly in the face of all logic?

  • nmateke - 2012-07-03 10:39

    Poor people say: 'Shut it, Tony'....... make no sence

      tyronehster - 2012-07-03 12:22

      Neither does Tony Ehrenreich.

      isabel.w.stokes - 2012-07-03 18:59

      Learn to spell Nmateke, and get a sense of humour. The piece is ironic. (That's a form of humour)

  • Ryno - 2012-07-03 11:05

    like they say, "lee blikke raas die meeste" @ mr tony from cosatu

  • francois.viljoen.731 - 2012-07-03 11:09

    LOL Somebody please come up with a CG off how this will look?

  • Ami.Kapilevich - 2012-07-03 11:19

    This is right up there with some of the funniest Hayibo satires of all time... ALL TIME!

  • william.j.guillumscott - 2012-07-03 11:26

    What a chop!

      shooshyu.tu - 2012-07-03 16:51

      who are you referring to ToeKneee-jerk or David?

  • badballie - 2012-07-03 12:43

    this would be funny if the stadium didn't represent a 30 Million rand loss last year and a 40 million Rand projected annual loss. As for low class housing, haven't you people heard about the low cost (mixed income) housing that has already broken ground in Umhlanga? pity the ANC and idiots like Tony haven't study world events enough to know that integration is an impossible dream with extremely limited success. This won't stop the municipality won't continue to shoot themselves in the foot by depreciating the value of the up market property in the area, or that historically integration only happens in low and high class areas, with the most probable outcome being separate white and black cities with a few scattered mixed areas in between. A tour of the US turns into a nightmare with people being warned to stay out of certain "black/white" cities or being told where it is safe to stop and which cities to "just drive through" Although I have only referred to the US this division is clearly seen in all corners of the world including the UK, Australia, etc. People will by nature seek out their own, and will support their own against all others, the fact that this lesson that the Roman empire learnt the hard way is still being playing out year after year, talk about crazy people expecting a different outcome when they repeat the same mistakes time and again.

  • tanya.retief - 2012-07-03 12:45

    Funny. :D One of my favourite David Moseley articles. I swear you must be a Hayibo writer.

  • judith.taylor.56 - 2012-07-03 13:09

    Thanks for the laugh!

  • tboz.mpshayakgale - 2012-07-03 13:19

    Just demolish the CP stadium. It's useless moes.

  • ian.schietekat - 2012-07-03 13:21

    Ehrenreich loves giving away things that does not belong to him. It seams to be the ANC way.

  • lotz.ilse - 2012-07-03 18:09

    Funny :)

  • roger.oxlee - 2012-07-03 23:06

    I thought the stadium was going to be raised up on blocks and launched into the sea to be used as an offshore rugby, casino and entertainment venue. When the Bulls play the Stormers in Cape Town they would REALLY be at sea! Then the land could be used for low cost housing. So disappointing.

  • Gerry Klos - 2012-07-04 01:21

    With all these brain surgeons and rocket scientists in our tripartheid alliance, there is one common thread and this is called ANC = Absolutely No Credibility

  • Mark Aubrey Preiss - 2012-07-04 06:38

    I think SAFA should pay for the maintenance and upkeep of all the stadiums, it was those dimwits whom decides to host the world cup after all!

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