David Moseley

Sars to target white beggars

2013-02-12 11:58

David Moseley

Last week it was reported by an ace undercover journalist that South Africa's downtrodden white population is making a killing by begging. The intrepid hack, who spent months disguised as a dustbin at stop streets researching her tale of a white windfall, reports that those with white faces are "comfortably" (that is, reclining in deck chairs while sympathetic whiteys in climate-controlled Beamers chuck wads of hundies at them) earning up to R10 000 a month, if not more.

Statistics have also highlighted that neatly written Afrikaans notes on cardboard are more likely to tempt English-speaking motorists to fling money from their car windows, purely because English South Africans feel sorry for Afrikaans South Africans (something to do with accents, allegedly). Afrikaans speaking South Africans rarely give money away, saving all they can for flights to Perth.

But the good times of traffic light-loitering and "swimming in money" like Duckburg’s Scrooge McDuck could soon be over for the country's idle whites. Alerted to the hidden treasures stuffed down the weather-beaten pants of the homeless and hapless, Sars has now hinted that it could soon swoop on work-avoiding whiteys.

"We've done a number on Julius," says a Sars spokesperson, "so we need a new target. These wit-ous, who think they can just stand around all day earning cash monies by being well groomed and handsome, will face the full force of the Sars Special Ops.

"Already we're training new agents to sneak up on white beggars, grab them by the ankles and shake them until all their five rands fall out. We've told our staff that they can keep any 50c pieces as an incentive."

Meanwhile, Tony Ehrenreich has demanded that white beggars hand over their Woolworths-branded cardboard boxes and Country Road loyalty cards. "We intend to redistribute the boxes of white beggars to the people of South Africa, to those who have struggled through apartheid and the ANC's regime and who deserve a better standard of box to sleep in.

"Reports confirm that if you're going to live on the street, a home appliance or Woolworths box is the only way to go. We will be protesting in Cape Town soon, insisting that Helen and the rest of the DA hand out only Samsung double-fridge size boxes to the destitute.

"I must also add, for no apparent reason, that the DA should build houses on the Rondebosch Common."

A backlash is brewing in the homeless community too. Tudor St John-Jones III, The Grand Dragon of Whites On Our Pavement (WOOP) and a 25-year homeless veteran after his parents drowned in a vat of cocaine and his trust fund ran out, is concerned that other beggars will be after their buckets of money.

"I've already been contacted by Pakistanis On Our Pavement (POOP) who say our days of 'running the Constantia lights' are numbered". This is very disconcerting for us. We can't be expected to beg in Mowbray, or Observatory. Do you know how far those suburbs are from Vida e Caffe? It's inhumane."

Coloured, Indian, Somali, Nigerian and Zimbabwean beggars could not be reached for comment, because no one could be bothered.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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