David Moseley

Social media campaign cures world's ills

2014-09-01 12:21

David Moseley

Reports are emerging that the neurodegenerative disorder Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, more popularly known as ALSIceBucketChallenge, has been defeated by a series of hashtags and facebook videos. "It's incredible," said an expert on these things, "there have been so many hashtags and videos posted online that the illness seems to have simply evaporated".

It appears to be the first time that an official has come out and publicly admitted the effectiveness of social media campaigns. More official statements declaring the success of online movements quickly followed.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that the most recent ceasefire in the ongoing Gaza conflict was due to his twitter handle being inundated with the #FreeGaza hashtag. "I simply couldn't sleep at night. My iPad and iPhone were constantly pinging with mention updates. The only way to stop the noise was to stop the bombing."

Boko Haram leaders have also announced that they were incredibly touched by #BringBackOurGirls and if they'd known that so many people cared they would never have sold the girls into slavery. "We'd love to give them back," a Boko spokesman said, "but we don't keep receipts for these things and we actually have no idea where they are now. Apologies for the confusion."

2012's most notorious social media figure, Joseph Kony, also appears to be coming in from the cold. "Two years is a lifetime with no twitter mentions," Kony recently told reporters. "One minute you're flavour of the month, the next people are trying to stop the culling of some dolphins. It's all very confusing. But I've had a long time to think about what I've done and I promise to stop doing whatever it was that I was doing that caused #Kony2012 to trend. If someone could just remind me…"

World leaders have also confirmed that a possible extinction-level asteroid strike was narrowly averted through the power of social media.

When American astronomers discovered a large asteroid hurtling towards earth they immediately leapt into action, filming lion cubs gambolling about, cute pandas rolling over and baby turtles struggling towards the sea. The hashtag #SaveCuteness was created.

In secret, numerous high-level twitter campaigners, including George Clooney and Barry Bateman, bombarded the asteroid with hashtags and Facebooks posts. The asteroid eventually broke down in tears and agreed not to wipe out life on planet earth.

It was another sweet moment of victory for social media, unfortunately no one could be reached for comment because #JenniferLawrenceNaked…

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