The 10 Zummandments

2012-11-14 08:36

David Moseley

Many South Africans are unaware that the president is an extremely self-conscious fellow. He's just a Zulu, standing in front a nation, asking you to love him. (He also loves Notting Hill). To ensure that we all give him the respect he deserves he's released his 10 Zummandments, a cheery list of guidelines to be used by the nation to ensure presidential poise.

1 I am the Zuma, your president. You voted for me, now you're stuck with me. But don't worry, in a few years you won't even have to vote for me. I think I'll just hang around. Until my Chinese pals take control…

2 Thou shall bring no false idols before me. This means no paintings of my "pee-pee" and if anyone in Parliament shoves one of those Madiba bank notes in my face again I'll deport them to the Limpopo. As for the funnyman who suggested my face should go on the 10c coins, ha ha, try and get your textbooks now. Charlize, however, is always welcome at Nkandla with her Oscar. He he. Absolutely.

3 Do not take the name of the Zuma in vain. It's not my fault, it's Thabo's fault. Stop blaming everything on me. Look, I'm dancing. Now I'm blaming someone else. It's that easy.

4 Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Can we just forget about Nelson getting out of prison now? Good grief. It's yesterdays news people. My birthday is April 12. I like Stoney ginger beer, Leopard-print skirts, new wives and nametags for my offspring. No, I don't need another signed copy of Long Walk to Freedom. I know the ending, okay. He escapes!

5 Honour thy father and thy mother. My children are so nice to me. Every Father's Day I get 19 different presents from my precious 19 children. (Could be 20, but the Mail & Guardian says it's 19, so I'm going with them). Lovechildren, this includes you.

6 Thou shall not kill/murder/assassinate my character. Sure, I've made some mistakes (but seriously, why can't you wash it out?), but I'm not a bad guy. Just because I think women should be at home, practicing their dish-washing doesn't mean I can't run the country (into the ground. Ha ha. Lol!).

7 Thou shall not commit adultery. Ha ha. Jokes!

8 Thou shall not steal. Unless you're a politician, then help yourself. Look at these fancy shoes, you think I paid for them? Not a chance.

9 Thou shall not lie… in the same wife's bed more than once a night. Zing. Got you! No, seriously. Though shall not lie… unless you need to win an election. Then it’s okay. New houses for everyone. Yaaaay.

10 Thou shall not covet your neighbour's wife (or anything that belongs to your neighbour). Instead, all you need to do is build a massive compound, then you can bone anything that walks or breathes within its confines. Ta da! Zumaville, where it’s sexy time all the time! I'm bringing sexy baaaaack… to Nkandla. (Though I do wish we had Lesotho, that would make such a nice backyard for my family picnics).

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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  • qhuggett - 2012-11-14 08:59


  • tommy.jones.754918 - 2012-11-14 09:13

    Totally read this piece in Zuma's voice. As always - good one.

      shaun.mossop.3 - 2012-11-14 12:52

      Snap me too haha

      dustin.wetdewich - 2012-11-14 16:53

      It has to be read in Zuma's voice or at least Trevor Noah doing Zuma's voice.

  • mark.peters.1048 - 2012-11-14 09:17

    Brilliant! "9 Thou shall not lie… in the same wife's bed more than once a night." LOL

  • Eterni80 - 2012-11-14 09:20

    sad that the funniest part of SA is its leader.. this dick-tatorship is proudly sponsored by China, the worlds largest consumers of well - EVERYTHING

  • mark.haupt.31 - 2012-11-14 09:23

    Nice, David, shouldn't wonder that the ancestors - Dingaan, Chaka - are at this moment preparing to h(a)unt you. You'll recognize them as they dress they same, minus the takkies.

  • nick.d.hunt.3 - 2012-11-14 09:25


  • magda.harmse - 2012-11-14 09:36

    Well Done Moseley... Well Done! Love it!

  • numerofigo - 2012-11-14 10:26

    Lord have Mercy

  • nanivintage.ngoasheng - 2012-11-14 10:27

    Lmao. I needed this. kwaaa!

  • philas.ntuli - 2012-11-14 10:37

    its boring!! *yawn*!!

  • stephen.j.dickson.3 - 2012-11-14 10:44

    Put Zuma out to stud, like the pig he is..........bottom line.

      wendy.burrows.71 - 2012-11-15 12:35

      no self respecting sow would want to oink him

  • gary.bloom.967 - 2012-11-14 10:47

    This should be scribed on a stone somewhere and put in an art gallery somewhere.

      derek.smith.12177276 - 2012-11-14 11:17

      gary , sorry but I have to point to commandment 2 and 6 please dont transgress

      gary.bloom.967 - 2012-11-14 12:24

      LMAO..........oh crap.

  • freddie.jones.58367 - 2012-11-14 11:56

    "I am the Zuma, your president. You voted for me" Can you please indicate just who voted for him? I don't remember there having been a Presidential Election in South Africa.

      saintbruce.bruce - 2012-11-14 13:00

      Freddie - our not so Democratic electoral system never votes for a person but only for a Political Party. We - all of us - are never truly or democratically represented at the polls. This is a travesty of justice and not democracy at all but serves the ruling party very well. Of course , in light of the above article, there may not have been a Presidential Election but were know there has been many a Presidential Erection! Need I say more?

      russell.w.wright.5 - 2012-11-14 15:40

      Everybody related to him Freddie. *snigger*

  • david.coetzee.77 - 2012-11-14 12:26

    Shame the poor man he misunderstood the meaning of President In Zulu it translates to father of THE nation He thought it meant father of A nation

  • shaun.mossop.3 - 2012-11-14 12:53


  • dawie002 - 2012-11-14 15:56


  • paulroviss - 2012-11-14 15:59

    Am sorry David this was a waste of energy. I read it with the hope that it has a new insight. It seems you are not a good journalist or columnist if you dont write about politics, more specific about Zuma, Zille or Malema. David, you run out of idea, please shout. There are lots of great stories that require to be told and they can build our society and people will forget what loser our president is. When they will see that they have it within their hands to make they society a better for their generation. In future please dont insult us, with suck jokes.

      mondli.dlomo.73 - 2012-11-14 21:20

      hahahahahahah paul thank u, thats good man.

  • - 2012-11-14 20:13

    Eish...This is so good, it even makes you laugh...because it's so bad!!!

  • mondli.dlomo.73 - 2012-11-14 20:41

    "now u r stuck with me". wow nice one white boy because thats true u r stuck with him for another term because we r voting him into power again. i can't wait for mangaung, anyway it's just around the corner. zuma zuma zuma zuma! hey people just a thousand (1000)thumbs down and 50 responses will make my day.

      garth.labuschagne - 2012-11-14 21:38

      Mondli the only 1000 thumbs down's you are going to see are the 1000 + who vote this idiot out of office. If only you had a clue how you and your kind are screwing up this country. And since you may be racist, let me join you. Black boy!

      wendy.burrows.71 - 2012-11-15 12:38

      nkandlagate, nkandlagate, nkanlagate, zumaville, zumaville, zumaville

      andre.fourie.980 - 2012-11-15 12:46


      BlaqDrumz - 2012-11-15 13:10

      Oh shut up Shaka Zulu @Mondli

  • mista.brown1 - 2012-11-15 01:45

    Hahaha! Crazy article.

      Joe - 2012-11-15 09:25

      100% with you. These wining white people what were their parents doing during apatheid when other whites were hoarding money, assets etc. Guess its an IQ family thing hey. Irregardless of the opportunities Voerwod, Malan and the National Party gave them for about 400 odd years they are still in the trenches with the natives. Bet they work in Call Centres - Viva Zuma Zuma Zuma....Better run to Australia before the Marauding Muslims fill up all the immigrant quotas...

      wendy.burrows.71 - 2012-11-15 12:41

      @Joe, there wont be place for the muslims, because your masters the little chinese devils will be colonising you and your Zooooma tsotsi, and then you will have to kiss chinky winky - good luck with that one

  • giepievz - 2012-11-15 10:14

    Oooh - now you are in trouble, David. Seems like Blade has read your column ;)

  • andre.fourie.980 - 2012-11-15 12:43


  • BlaqDrumz - 2012-11-15 13:06

    I'm bringing sexy baaack, to Nkandla!!!! Lol @ tenth zummandment!

  • ntsanen - 2012-11-16 11:47

    Give that man a bells

  • steve.adams.524 - 2012-11-17 07:18

    The sad fact is that South Africans can't laugh at themselves. In any true democracy the media constantly deride or chastise their leaders if they don't perform. Political leaders are not gods, nor should they be treated as such. They are human, and should be held accountable to their voting public (unless said leader is a dictator, which is becoming more credible by the day here). If your country's leader behaves like a comic character he should and will be subject to riducule. Sadly, the masses will follow like sheep and continue to idolise him, while living in squalor. It's articles like this that add a touch of humour to the situation and make it more bearable. It's time to wake up. More please!

  • AstroPizziCist - 2012-11-19 02:53


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