David Moseley

Waiting for Dog go

2015-07-01 08:05

David Moseley

Every night, the same ritual. We wait. And we wait. And we wait. Eventually the dog does go. A very short story, then.

Ah, but you’d be mistaken. For this is only the beginning.

As the traffic noises fade and the sleep finally becomes deep, Rocket lets out a heavy sigh. This is the start of her night time pantomime, a cruel play that leaves the audience bleary-eyed, fuming and wondering what all the fuss was about.

Act 1
Scene 1

Soon after the sigh, blankets are shuffled and footsteps scratch the carpet. Rocket (dog) is restless. The dog needs to go. Outside, rain lashes down, wind howls. David knows what to expect, but he rolls over, hoping that just this once the dog will figure out how to unlock the Trellidor and open the sliding door in the lounge.

DAVID: Go back to bed, Rocket.

ROCKET: Hmph. Woof. Woof. Growl. Woof.

DAVID: You just went ten minutes ago.

(Click-click-click; Rocket’s nails on the tiles as she checks the sliding door in the lounge. Click-click-click; Rocket’s nails on the tiles as she returns to tell us what we know – the door is shut, locked and Trellidoored. No country for open doors.)

WIFE: Your turn.

DAVID: It’s always my turn.

Act 2
Scene 1

Rocket wanders anxiously around the house, whining for attention. David fumbles for something warm, eventually grabbing some slippers and nothing else. Street lights brighten the lounge and small garden, so no lights are necessary. David stomps to the sliding door. Rocket wags tail, a seemingly knowing glint in her eye.

WIFE: Remember, the neighbours can see into the garden since they cut the tree.

DAVID: (Agitated) You’re remarkably wide awake now for someone who couldn’t move a second ago. And anyway, if the neighbour is looking into the garden at 3am, it’s her own fault.

WIFE: (Surprisingly drowsy all of a sudden) Quiet. I’m sleeping.

David slides open the door and encourages Rocket to go. Rocket looks up at David, not sure that this is actually what she wants at this moment in life. Rocket trots back to her bed.

DAVID: Oh no, no, no you don’t. Get back here. Go Rocket, go. Make a wee.

ROCKET: Hrmph hrmph. Bark bark.

DAVID: Shut up, man. Make a wee.

Rocket walks around the 1m x 1m grass patch in circles. She lowers her behind to wee. A noise! She stops to investigate the threatening shadow of a broom up against the garden shed. Satisfied the shadow poses no threat, Rocket walks around the tiny garden again, this time in reverse. She hovers and circles over a preferred spot. Her bottom lowers in the familiar position of a female dog about to wee. A flash of light from a passing truck. Rocket stops mid-wee.

DAVID: (Distraught, pleading) Rocket, please man. Make a wee. Please. It’s freezing out here.

ROCKET: Grrrr hrmphl grrrr. Bark bark.

DAVID: It’s just the cars. Please wee.

For the third time, Rocket circles the miniscule lawn, the ridiculously tiny garden, the smallest patch of grass possible that a respectable dog owner should have. She circles and circles and circles looking for just the right patch of grass to destroy with her potent dog urine. Rocket looks up at the roof. Rocket looks up at the night sky. Rocket does everything but wee. Minutes pass.

DAVID: Okay, come inside. Enough now. Bed time. I can’t go on like this.

ROCKET: (Almost certainly smiling to herself, seemingly aware at the torment she’s carrying out on a bewildered owner) Woof, that’s what you think.

Rocket goes to bed. David covers her with a blanket. David goes back to sleep. As dreams come and the night time world returns to normal, Rocket whines.

DAVID: (Crying into his duvet). Why. Why. Why.

ROCKET: (Looks to audience. Smiles.) Heh heh heh. Bark.
WIFE: (Waking, looking blissful from a glorious night’s sleep, turns to David) Can you make me some coffee please. Thanks.
End play

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

Send your comments to David

News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.



24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Inside News24

Traffic Alerts
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.