David Moseley

Why Cape Town must vote ANC

2015-09-01 09:33

David Moseley

We can’t go on like this. Cape Town can’t carry on pretending that it’s a city apart from the rest of the country.

We need to join with the rest of South Africa and get with the programme. Until Cape Town embraces the ANC we will never, ever be a united nation.

For the sake of nation building and social cohesion, Cape Town needs to throw off its DA colours and turn once and for all to party that liberated this fine land.

Also, I need a new house. And because the fucking DA runs this province so well, I can’t bloody-well get my hands on one. The whole damn country seems to be migrating southwards, all to get their hands on our well-trimmed hedges.

Have you tried to buy something Cape Town’s southern suburbs lately? It’s outrageous. They’re selling garden sheds in Constantia for the same price as six bedroom estates in Grahamstown. They’re putting up faux Tuscan villas in Rondebosch just to make the fleeing Dainfern crowd feel at home.

In the ‘burbs they have things called Golden Miles, Silver Miles, Bronze Miles and so on because, and correct me if I’m wrong here, that’s what up-country types are paying with.

Soon my only option will be to live in Pinelands and who in their sane mind wants to live in Pinelands with its wine-free Pick ‘n Pay?

All I want is a small three bedroom with a little bit of lawn for my dog to play on, and maybe a granny flat so that when my gran can’t afford her bar tab at the golf club anymore she can come and live me (and do the dishes every night).

But no. It’s impossible to get anything unless you have access to a briefcase full of cash, a pocketful of blood diamonds or a large semi-automatic weapon that can chase current owners out.

And the reason? According to the estate agents’ it’s an influx of Gautengers (Vaalies, man, Vaalies) who are buying up all the good property with their more powerful Joburg rands.

Yup, these load-shedding refugees are apparently fleeing the tattered streets of Johannesburg for the pristine cul-de-sacs of Cape Town. The bastards.

I even cornered one the other day. “What are you doing here,” I demanded. “It’s so nice,” it whimpered in response. “It’s clean and everything works. I can’t believe I stayed in Joburg for so long. Your can even drink the water that comes from your taps.”

Capetonians, we’re being overrun. If you care about your city, and want me to be happy, you’ll go to the polls and do the right thing.

If not, before you know it we won’t have anywhere to ride our fixies or enjoy our lattes while listening to vintage vinyl records because we’ll soon be crowded out by Lexus SUV-driving, gun-toting Gautengers fleeing e-tolls and pot holes.

Enough, I say. Make Cape Town’s property cheap again. Vote ANC. Do it for your country. Do it for me. Do it so my granny doesn’t have to sleep under a bench at the 19th hole.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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