David Moseley

Yours for a day, a political plaything

2013-05-14 13:08

David Moseley

The Gupta family has shown that money and power may influence the feeble minded in political power, but by handing out food parcels to lip-licking ANC comrades what they've shown us is that all politicians really crave is a decent lunch.

By providing the North West office of the ANC with special lunches and Spider-Man lucky packets, the Guptas have ensured another six votes for their pal the president.

Unwittingly, they've also lifted the lid on a previously secret scheme that forces politicians and their cross-eyed cohorts to do your bidding as long as you can supply their favourite meal.

Now, for the first time in the history of our country, ordinary South Africans can spend time with their favourite politicians or help sway opinion, all for the price of a toasted tuna mayo (depending on your provincial region, of course).

A secret dossier, detailing the preferred meals of those who think they know what’s best for us, has also been leaked to the media.

For instance, should you desire Lindiwe Mazibuko to attend your child's piano solo at school prize-giving, you simply have to offer her a traditional Sunday roast with Yorkshire puddings. To ensure uninterrupted electricity supply through winter, a steaming apple crumble with Ultramel should do the trick.

If you'd like Helen Zille to hold court at your braai, a simple cracker and glass of water for the ultimate empathiser will suffice. She’ll tell you all about her day.

ANC Youth League comrades will almost certainly carry out community service duties for the price of bread and fish, such is their devotion to the upliftment of the people, while Cope and the Freedom Front Plus will promise to become relevant, all for your sake dear citizen, if you take them along to any one of Cape Town’s trendily overpriced lunchtime eateries.

Got a candidate in mind to head your own political party? Need a ringing endorsement from a wily old campaigner? Then look no further than Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, who will orchestrate your campaign and provide a suitably murky origins story all for the chance to enjoy high tea at the Mount Nelson.

Not to be left out, cosy Cosatu buddies Zwelinzima Vavi and Tony Ehrenreich will rally your troops - for a pay rise, a protest or for some good ol’ anti-colonial rant that's 30 years out of place - for the price of a union approved fish paste sandwich.

Yes, fellow citizens, we've reached a golden age of bribery, where the whiff of toast and cheese is enough to secure the services of your president.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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Dear IRR, racism is real

2018-03-25 06:22

Dear IRR, racism is real

2018-03-25 06:22


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