Khaya Dlanga

A man shall not...

2011-09-20 08:20

Khaya Dlanga

There are many things that men should not do, many of them are unwritten. We learn these things while we are in the womb. There are classes in there that take place that are only for men. When we are born, we just know these things.

1: A man shall not say, “Ouch, too hard!” during a game of touch rugby.

Men love to play sports. However, some sports are rougher than others, so we have to play the fake version of that sport in order for us not to injure ourselves and our friends. One of these is touch rugby. In real rugby, you actually have to tackle someone hard; they fall to the ground and might break something. I once dislocated a finger in high school, it pointed to a completely unnatural direction. My friends congratulated me on my injury. I had earned my stripes as a true rugby player and their respect.

But one thing a man cannot do is say “Ouch! Dude that was too hard!” after being slapped on the back during a game of touch rugby. Take it like a man and simply touch the other guy too hard back when he has the ball at a later stage. There is no ouching allowed here.

2: A man shall not look at another man’s manhood while at the urinal.

This is just not done. It’s as taboo as taking money from the collection plate instead of putting money in it at church. In fact it’s way worse than that. I’m pretty sure there’s some commandment in the Bible that says, “Thou shall not look at another man’s manhood while at the urinal.” The fact that urinals weren’t invented then is beside the point. I’m sure this was just overlooked by the writers of the holy book.

I’ve heard stories that women look at each other breasts, touch them and admire them. This is strange to us. It feels a bit like looking at another man’s you know what, handling it and admiring how big it is. My body just shuddered at the thought.

3: A man shall not hold a woman’s bag.

This is emasculation of the highest order. I have seen men walking in malls holding their women’s bags. I pity these men. Sometimes I find myself weeping in malls as I see these men doing this to themselves. I know, I know, they say men do not cry, but this warrants tears for the man race. What have we as men been reduced to? If your shoelaces are undone I will kneel down and tie them while you hold your bag, ma’am.

4: A man shall not have a man bag.

I’m not sure what is worse, holding a women’s bag or having a man bag. OK, I’ve decided, having a man bag is far worse. Whoever invented this monstrosity committed a crime against humanity. There’s only one thing worse than a man with a man bag; a man driving a MINI - a convertible one. Actually, I just thought of one thing worse. A man wearing skinny jeans while driving a MINI convertible with a man bag strapped over his shoulder.

5: A man shall not say, “Your mother’s hot,” to his friend.

We don’t even need to go into detail with this one.

6: A man shall not strike a woman.

Despite the song, when you strike a woman, you don’t strike a rock. Of course there are some exceptions. The only time it’s acceptable to spank a woman is if she likes it, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

7: A man shall not say, “What happened?” when his girlfriend says, “I’m pregnant.”

How did it happen? Shall we start off by saying by you taking off her panties, and then inserted your “weapon of feel good”, which by the way happens to be a mass baby making weapon. Genghis Khan had many, many children via this weapon. And of course, our current president who is still no match for the Asian baby making machine.

8: A man shall look after his kids.

A man shall not abandon his kids and pretend he had nothing to do with making them. Take responsibility for your penis. Sex is not accident. Responsibility does not just mean paying for your kid, it means spending time with the cute little rascal, because it’s your rascal. The less attention you pay to your kid, the more problems you create for society. There are many confused kids out there who have fathers who have decided not to take responsibility for their penises.

9: A man shall not scream and shout.

Unless he’s preaching. This is allowed. It is not proper for a man to scream and shout at women and children, in fact at other men too. A man displays his dignity by never losing his cool.

10: A man shall show restraint.

True strength is often shown in restraint. Sometimes one demonstrates his power and strength by not always feeling the need to show it.

Lastly, it is a man’s character that makes him noble, not rules and regulations. If a man is a man of character, he will remain a man even if he is holding a woman’s bag.

- Follow Khaya on Twitter.

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