Khaya Dlanga

Blame Drogba's hair

2010-06-22 12:30

If anything what Portugal did to North Korea borders on witchcraft. Or is it ballcraft? The score (7 - 0) is no joke. In fact Portugal should be blamed for anything that happens to the North Koreans once they get back home to face the wrath of their leader/god Kim Jong-Ill who is rumoured to be so short that he wears platform shoes.

And did you hear the one from the Korean coach? He says that he speaks to his leader via an invisible cellphone, which, incidentally, was invented by none other than Kim Jong-Ill himself. Invisible cellphone? If that’s not witchcraft I don’t know what is. I wouldn’t be surprised if the headline news from the reclusive state read, “North Korea Narrowly Loses 7 – 0 to Portugal”.

Those who have accused African teams of practising voodoo or black magic can rest assured that this is not true at all. The results speak for themselves. I think this clearly demonstrates that African teams don’t consult any supernatural powers in order to do well. I suspect that the South Americans do though. Maybe FIFA should look into it; much like the IAAF looked into Caster Semenya. No? Ok, it was just an idea.

What I really want to know is this; where are the African ancestors when we need them? Why have they forsaken us? Why have African teams fared so badly in this year’s World Cup? It is so bad that South Africa, the host nation, could suffer a first round defeat, a feat no host nation has ever achieved.

I think I know why we haven’t done well as a continent in this World Cup. I personally contacted the African Ancestors on Twitter and asked them this question: “Why have you forsaken us?” I assume that they are technologically advanced as well. I made sure to drink some mqombhothi before my Twitter consultation though. The answer was rather surprising and disturbing. “We heard you @khayadlanga but we asked Drogba to sacrifice his hair, he refused. #kanyeshrug.”

There. It’s Drogba’s fault. He didn’t listen to the ancestors. Now the continent suffers. In fact it wouldn’t even have been a sacrifice; they were asking him to do himself a favour by removing the greasy “mane” on his head. (Although to be fair, that very same head is the one that connected with Jabulani and scored Ivory Coast’s only goal in their previous match). Drogba’s hair is so bad that even the 80s rejected it as a hairstyle. Yes, that bad. In fact the 80s are insulted that I included it and Drogba’s hair in the same paragraph.

But whatever happens after this week, whether all the African teams are kicked out or not, whether we win, lose or draw, we win. We are the only continent hosting the greatest event on the planet. For the first time the world is not saying anything negative about Africa. The peoples of the world realise that we are just like them. We love, we are passionate, we are patriots and above all, we are all part of the human race.

Seeing that this could be Bafana’s final match today I would like to say to them: Bafana, if you go down, go down fighting like warriors and we'll be right behind you to pick you up again.

Africa, the ancestors are sleeping, they are not answering, they are resting in peace at last, happy that the world is here to enjoy Africa.

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