Khaya Dlanga

I’m quitting church to join the ANC

2011-02-08 07:45

I would like to confess that I have decided that I will stop going to church. I mean, who needs to go to church in order to go to heaven when all you have to do is produce an ANC membership?

I would like to say sorry to my dear pastors at God First Church, but it appears there is an easier way to go through the Pearly Gates. It involves no tithes, no offerings and most importantly, it means I no longer have to drag myself out of bed every morning after a night out partying on a Saturday. Praise the ANC!

One of the benefits of joining the broad church (as it is often called, a broad church, not a narrow one) of the African National Congress is that it pays to be a card-carrying member. Who knows what tenders could be coming your way? Just look at how many well-off ANC members are out there. Oh, hang on. A vast majority of them also aren’t. This debunks my theory.

As some of you may or may not know, there has been a great deal of controversy after the president of the ANC and the country, Jacob Zuma, said to supporters in Mthatha in the Eastern Cape: "When you vote for the ANC, you are also choosing to go to heaven. When you don't vote for the ANC you should know that you are choosing that man who carries a fork...who cooks people...

"When you are carrying an ANC membership card, you are blessed. When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven."


I wonder who will take St Peter’s place at the Pearly Gates. Could it be Saint Comrade Manto Tshabalala-Msimang or will she be holding that position until Saint Comrade Julius Malema departs Earth to assume what I believe is his rightful position? Saint Comrade Julius Malema wouldn’t be too shy to tell those people who aren’t card-carrying ANC members that they are being tjatjarag and should just go jump and have an encounter with that man who carries a fork and cooks people instead.

As to be expected, anger was presented in many shapes and forms. From the religious to the not so religious - even atheists were indignant. I was most amused by the irony of atheists who were offended on God’s behalf by Zuma’s comments.

Many of us simply cannot wait for the president to say something of colour. I’ll be honest, when I read his comments, I was thrilled because there was something to laugh about. Seriously now guys, the president meant that as a joke, but he probably took it a bit too far. (I’m not just saying this to ensure that I get into heaven because I don’t want to offend Pope Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma lest I don’t get a pass to heaven.)


The guy was obviously joking. I can imagine the audience went a little crazy with much laughter when he said what he said. Black folk are a religious bunch, and the people who were there are no exception, I am sure. So they knew he was joking and laughed. I know he was joking, which is why I am joking about it too.

I’m hoping joking about it is not blaspheming against the ANC. The last thing I want is to be excommunicated from the ANC before I have even had the chance to join. Again. I will become a member so that I can worship at the altar of the tender. And I would be attending the broad church meetings of the ANC in a German luxury BEE mobile.

I have a few suggestions on how we should pray now. How about we go, “In the name of the ANC, the Communist Party and the Congress of South African Trade Unions,” when we start praying? Instead of ending our prayers with an “amen”, I think “Amandla!” would be most appropriate.

I’ll tell you something for free, the great thing about “Amandla!” is that it is powerful, forceful and unapologetic. Amandla means power. Whereas “Amen” is a very passive, “may it be so”.

Thanks for the laughs

The truth is we got hysterical over nothing. We wanted to have something to shout about. Personally, I found something to laugh about. I think God has a far greater sense of humour than we give him credit for. A comedian couldn’t have come up with what the president said. Thanks for the laughs Mr President. Or should I say, Pope?

Just to end off here, ladies, if you go out with me, you will go to heaven.

As you were. That is all.

- Follow Khaya on Twitter.

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