Khaya Dlanga

Thou shalt not be friend-zoned

2011-12-01 08:23

The friend zone is a dangerous place to find oneself in. It is virtually impossible to extricate oneself out of friend-zonism. Many naïve young men have willingly come into the friend-zone thinking that they can get out easily. No, my friend. Don’t fool yourself. It is an abyss so deep and dark you can’t get out. And worse, you can’t get into the deep dark place you really want to get in.

What is the friend-zone, you may ask. Wikipedia describes it as: “The friend-zone is a dating term describing a relation in which one partner wants to become intimate romantically while the other prefers to be just friends. It is generally regarded as not a positive development, particularly for a man. The sense is that once this has happened to a relationship, it's difficult to undo.”

It is not just men who fall prey to this one-way romance field. Women too. But men are the ones who are most likely to fall victim to this naïve crime. It is a maximum-security prison and there is no parole.

Emotional Booty Call

The person who has friend-zoned you gets all the benefits while you get nada. The friend-zoned entity becomes nothing but an emotional outlet. When she has some relationship issues or likes some other guy who doesn’t like her back, she will call the friend-zonee. And the friend-zonee will listen with the most care and give some advice. The phone call will probably end with, “Thanks friend”.

The friend-zonee is always hoping that someday, the friend-zoner will see the error of her/his ways and decide that they want you after all. This is as rare as seeing Khulubuse not eating. All you will see is her moving from one relationship to another, except with you. Idiot.

She will tell her friends that there is nothing going on between you, while you lie, perhaps to your friends and say, “I hit that.” We see you liar. We see you.

I’ve seen guys tell their friend-zoner that they like some other girl hoping that the friend-zonee with get jealous. Instead, she gets genuinely happy for him and starts picking out outfits for him to wear on a date.

I my friends, yes, me, a whole Khaya Dlanga was once friend-zoned. I was young and naïve. The line that was used on me was, “I am in a relationship with Jesus.” I mean, what could I have said to that? I turned to her and said, “At least I lost to a better man.” And thus the journey to the depths of friend-zonism began. But I managed to get out.

The friend-zone is a form of romantic abuse. When people see you together they may say things like, “Are you two a couple?” She will laugh and say of course not. The friend-zonee will feel all warm and fuzzy about this, foolishly. She will do everything she would do with a boyfriend with you, but none of the stuff you wish she would do to you.

How to get out

Rule number one: Don’t even get into the friend-zone.
Stop hanging out with her so often. Hang out with her about once every two weeks, even then, not for too long.

Don’t go shopping with her:
Once you start going shopping with her, especially if she started calling you friend, you are toast buddy. You essentially become the gay friend she always wanted to have who’d help her with her shopping. If she says, “Let’s go shopping.” Just tell her you’re not interested and you’re not her gay friend. (Is saying gay friend offensive?)

Refuse to sleep in the same bed as her:
If she says you can sleep in the same bed. Hell, refuse to sleep in the same house. While you pretend to sleep and tortured by thoughts of her in bed she is sleeping peacefully, dreaming about her boyfriend or potential boyfriend. Why put yourself through that hell?

Refuse to talk about her emotional issues:
When she starts talking about some emotional issues she has, stop her immediately! This is the greatest trap. You think that she is starting to trust you, so she’s opening up to you by telling you her issues. She isn’t. She’s trapping you.

Tell her straight up:
Tell her you’re no longer interested in being in her friend-zone. If she wants to go out, hang out, it’s fine, but none of that girly, crying, cuddly, shoppy stuff with you anymore. You’re out of there. Be out and mean it.

The friend-zone is where many soldiers go to die.

Don’t become friends, my friend. The friend-zone is not your friend, my friend. Be warned.

- Follow Khaya on Twitter.

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