Khaya Dlanga

Why black men hate the weave

2011-04-13 15:00

Yesterday I asked the Twitterati what I should write about. My favourite response was the subject of the weave. And so I decided to tackle this subject.

1: Weaves leave evidence.
As any criminal will tell you, no one wants to leave evidence because you don’t want to get caught. I know, it seems obvious but this is serious. This is why they will go to great lengths to conceal, hide or clean out any evidence that might cause them to end up in jail. You know how they clean out fingerprints after committing a crime? Fear of jail. They even wear hand condoms (that would be gloves to you) for protection. Safe crime if it’s your wife. They don’t want to be caught.

Many years ago, a friend of mine (I know what you’re thinking - you’re thinking I’m the friend I’m pretending not to be,) asked me to help him conduct a weave sweep on his bed. We conducted a sweep that would have impressed any forensic detective. See, this fellow had a girl sleep over on his bed. She was not his girlfriend. And no, they did “not have sexual relations” in the infamous words of US President Bill Clinton. But he was worried about his lady finding another woman’s weave strands. I remember laughing because I couldn’t believe he was actually crawling on his bed to find these strands. And worse, I was being an accomplice. I still laugh at the thought.

2: All weaves look the same to fellas.
They all look alike to us. There is no difference. We don’t know the difference between Brazilian, Indian and plastic hair. Just as white folk don’t know the difference between black people, we can’t tell the difference between weaves. The only thing we can tell is that it’s not your real hair. So when you say, “Whose weave is that,” when you see a piece of evidence left on his bed and he says, “It’s yours.” He really means it. He really thinks it’s yours. We don’t know how you can tell from a single strand that that isn’t your weave.

3: You won’t let us touch your hair.
We want to play with it. But no, you have to tell us not to mess with the weave. What’s the point of having hair if you won’t let us touch it or stroke it? Hayi suka!

4: Forehead kisses are foreign to you, thanks to your fringes.
So many of you black girls have fringes, thanks to these weaves. This fringe is especially designed to conceal the netting that combines your hair with the fake one. You’d rather have fake hair than kisses. Oh well.

5: Guys don’t care about weaves.
Girls care more about weaves than guys. Trust me. If you stopped doing weaves, we’d still do you. I’m sorry, it sounds crude, but it’s true. That wouldn’t stop us from hitting on you. We’ll hit on you with the same vigour. At least when you have your own hair we can touch your heads and bonus, you get those forehead kisses you complain about never getting. Don’t worry ladies; you’ll still get action without a weave.

6: You want a weave? Pay with your own money.
I’m sorry ladies. But I refuse to pay for a weave. So I will not pay for it. I think you look good without one. It’s a sinking black hole. The weave. I suspect that the weave was one of the major causes of the financial crisis. If you want it and you think it makes you look good, great. But use your cash. I’m not anti-weave. Some of my best girlfriends have had weaves.

7: When we touch your heads, it has bumps.
When we run our hands on your heads, it feels like we are driving in an area with speed bumps. No one wants to drive in an area with speed bumps. I’m just saying.

8: “Pull my hair.”
You can’t say this. In fact you do. Then as soon as you say it you say, “No, no, don’t pull my hair.” If you know what I mean. This means you never really get to do the things you want to do because you are so concerned about your weave. You want to swim but won’t because of the weave. You want your hair to be “pulled” but you can’t because of the weave. You want to dance and be kissed in the rain but you can’t because of the weave. The weave is like a damn drug to you folks!

I will not like you any less or anymore because of a weave. I’m just pointing out the disadvantages of weaves here.

And one more thing, black guys won’t tell you they hate weaves because they still want to get laid.

- Follow Khaya on Twitter.

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