North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. (Stringer, AFP)
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Dear Kim Il Jong Wum…
(Sorry, I’m sure you know who I'm talking about. That weird chap with the round face and the funny hair.
Maybe I should Google his name first.
Ah! KIM JONG UN. Got it right this time!
Okay, let’s try again.)
Dear Kim Jong Un
The reason I’m writing you this letter is because, like countless other people across the globe, I am very concerned that the things you are getting up to these days might lead to a Third World War.
A Third World War at this point in time would be very inconvenient for everyone.
That is why I urge you to desist with your silly nuclear tests as soon as possible and rather start concentrating on the things in life that are really important.
Instead of wasting time on nuclear tests, why not spend your time building up your country’s economy, Kim? Or maintaining good relations with all your neighbouring countries?
Speaking of your ‘neighbouring countries’, I must admit that, before you started with your shenanigans, very few of us even knew where North Korea was on the world map.
In fact, I was very confused when I heard on CNN that your missiles could strike both Japan and the United States. How on earth is that possible, I thought? (I thought: Japan is right over in the right-hand corner of the world map, and the US is way to the left. Surely they are thousands of miles apart!)
It was only when I got hold of one of those round spinning plastic toy models of the earth that everything became clear to me. I found North Korea and marked it with a red koki pen.
Much to my astonishment, I could see for myself that your funny little country is in close proximity to both Japan and North America. In fact, with a bit of luck you might be able to hit both Tokyo and Chicago.
One of your rockets recently flew right over Japan they say, and landed in the sea. Thank God you missed. Hitting Japan would have been really rude, Kim. Have a heart! The poor Japanese people are still trying to cope with the effects of that devastating tsunami. Why would you want to make life even more difficult for them?
Not to mention the good people of Chicago. Surely they don’t deserve to be surprised by atomic bombs. (I don’t know anyone there, but I’m sure there are a lot of good people in Chicago.)
Kim Jong Un, why are you so angry? What do you have against us? What are you trying to prove? Why are you threatening everybody within reach with nuclear missiles? Don’t you realise you might start a Third World War?
The thing is, Kim, we have just gotten sort of used to the current world order. We thought we had everything sorted. The good guys (America) on the one side, the bad guys (ISIS) on the other side. (Then of course there’s Europe, but they are too busy with the migrant crisis right now to worry about people like you.)
Of course, during the Cold War the bad guys used to be Russia, but it’s a Lukewarm War now, and Putin hates you almost as much as that new president in America whose hairstyle is almost as bizarre as yours.
By the way, you better beware of that new American president, Kim. The new guy really doesn’t like you. In fact, he said so on Twitter, so watch it!
The thing is, Kim, we’d always thought, that if a Third World War ever actually happened, it would be set off by some crazy guy who posts poor quality videos on YouTube of people cutting off other people’s heads with subtitles in a funny language no-one understands.
It goes against everything that is proper, good and true that the Third World War might happen because of a funny little man like you, Kim. You don’t fit any of our stereotypes of how a really bad-ass person should look like. You are not even a religious fanatic!
You look like that little round man that used to be in the Oros ads. No way! It’s not on!
And those glasses you wear? Hell, Kim, you could have gotten hold of some really nice frames, and cheap, too, if you had gone to the trouble of paying a visit to Specsavers.
Anyway, Kim Jong Un, I’d like to give you some advice. It’s pretty obvious that you have a problem with anger management. You seem to have grudges against a lot of people.
Why not do what other people with grudges do? Write an angry email, sue them, do an interview, record a CD? Why threaten them with nuclear? Taylor Swift is angry at everyone, too, Kim, almost as much as you, but she doesn’t go around firing rockets! She just sings a few silly songs and gets rid of her hostility in that way.
For heaven’s sake, you could be the next TAYLOR SWIFT! (Do you know how much money she’s made?)
Be more pro-active, Kim. Channel those negative emotions. Look at pictures of kittens on the Internet. Drink a nice cup of rooibos tea. Get over yourself.
Please, Kim Jong Un, at least promise us you’ll count to ten slowly before firing off the Big One that might plunge our world into sheer hell.
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