Cry of a childless woman 1/3

By Drum Digital
31 January 2014

Cry of a childless woman 1/3

THULI watched the happily screaming kids as they played in the small park. Her expression was sad. It spoke of dreams lost, dreams that never came true for her. How could life be so unfair?

She silently prayed: Lord, haven’t I been good, kind to the needy and helpful to those who have asked for my help? Ever since I was young I have praised you, loved you and followed your teachings. I have done everything I can to please you and have followed the right path. Why am I being punished?

Thuli stifled a sob. This was now her daily prayer. These feelings were not new to her. From the time she had married up to this very moment she had always wondered. She had been married for four years and still hadn’t had a child.

Her husband Thabo was great. He was very understanding. At one stage she had conceived and had been so excited. She thought her dreams had finally come full circle. But it wasn’t meant to be.

One day she woke up just fine, singing to her unborn baby as usual. That afternoon she was groaning in pain and by the end of the day her baby was no more. All that was left behind were the beautiful baby clothes and the changes her body had undergone.

She had really tried to be strong but sometimes it was hard. “Thuli, congrats! Didn’t know you had already given birth! Where is your little bundle of joy? Is it a he or she, by the way?” said the old lady as she looked around trying to spot the baby.

Thuli could only mutter that she had lost the baby – and didn’t even wait to see the stricken look on the gogo’s face. She just wanted to get away and be by herself.

Thabo had found her crying in the bathroom and quietly held her in his arms until the tears had subsided. He had tenderly wiped the streaks from her sad face.

No words had passed between them, no words needed to be said. There was a deeper understanding of what each was going through.

Her life was going wrong in every way. She knew she wasn’t alone in this heartache. She had seen the longing in Thabo’s eyes when they had gone to a restaurant.

“Red car, Daddy!” said a little boy at the next table.

“That’s my boy! Very good, son,” said the proud daddy.

They were playing the colour game and each time the boy got it right he would give his dad a hug. Thabo had for a moment worn that sad, longing, wistful look in his eyes. He tried to hide it but Thuli had seen it and just wished she could take it away and replace it with that sparkle that had drawn him to her at first.

Her mother had said it would all happen in time, but Thuli wondered if it would ever happen. Maybe it was just not meant to be.

Sometimes when she had better days she knew she shouldn’t accept that thought.

She sometimes felt like a failure in life, because she couldn’t achieve the simple task of getting pregnant and bearing a child. She felt useless.

Sometimes she looked in the mirror and shouted at herself, “You’re barren Thuli,

face it! You’ve tried everything!”

Indeed they had tried everything. The fertility clinic had said there was nothing wrong. It pained them at times as they

drove through the gate to their home. Their home was everything anyone could wish for. A dream to raise kids in but now there

was a sad look about it. A look that spoke of emptiness and loneliness. It was the same

at their holiday home, out of the big city, even though it was the perfect getaway and

the air was fresh and clean. It was always a difficult question to answer when she met colleagues or old friends and they would ask how many kids she and Thabo had. And the look of shock and surprise on all those people’s faces in response to her reply spoke volumes.

It always left her feeling sad and dejected.


Illustration: MINDI FLEMMING

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