Relo sees the light 1/3

By Drum Digital
06 January 2014

For Relo, the New Year was turning into a bad year.

Relo struck a match and lit another candle. She thought about how everyone was complaining about the electricity shortage.

She had stopped complaining and was looking on the bright side of life ? pun intended.

For example, she was 33 years old and in all that time she had never once had a romantic candlelight dinner. And now thanks to Eskom and load shedding she was having them every other day. Of course, she was still having them alone and that was something that not even Eskom could fix.

She poured herself a glass of wine, took a bite of her scrumptious food and picked up the piece of paper with her 2008 resolutions written on it. She remembered as she read it how determined she had been to fulfil each item on the list.

The first resolution was to lose weight. Unlike previous years when she had pretended to cut back on calories, this year she had actually signed up for a gym membership and gone to gym religiously three times a week for three weeks. But when she hadn't seen a change in her figure she had given it up.

The last resolution, which is the one she had put the most effort into, was to get a man.

But that one had driven her mad.

??The best way to get a man is to join a singles club,'' her best friend Monique had said. ??You can't hope to meet a guy sitting in the bus. You've got to get out there and show them what you've got.''

Relo pouted. ??Easy for you to say. You've got a tall skinny frame, flawless skin and a pretty face.”

“Not all men find the same things attractive,'' replied Monique.

And so Relo had taken her advice, joined the singles club and gone on numerous dates.

Just the thought of those dating disasters almost made her lose her appetite. The first guy, Kenny Msimang, nearly made her lose her mind because he was a blabbermouth. From the moment the man had said ??hello '' to the moment he had said ??goodbye'' he hadn't stopped talking. Whenever she somehow managed to get a word in, he found a way to turn it around and talk about himself.

??What do you do for a living? '' he had asked

??I'm a nurse,'' she replied.

And then he started talking about the time he had once dated a hot nurse and she had been dynamite in bed. He asked where she lived and when she said Kensington he related a wild story about how he had lost his virginity in Kensington.

As if she wanted or needed to know any of that.

The man had even started talking when he was kissing her goodnight. Needless to say she hadn't gone out with him again.

Then there had been Thabo Mdluli. That date had been the most painful experience of her life because he was the rudest, most arrogant man she had ever met. From the second they met he had started criticizing her clothes, her make-up and even her weight. He'd complained about everything in the restaurant. The lighting was too low, the chairs weren't comfortable able and the cutlery, which she had thought was spotless, was filthy according to him. But the last straw came when their orders arrived.

He took a look at her plate and said, ??You know, you're already overweight and that plate of food is going to do you more damage than good.''

She'd gotten up and walked right out of there because she was fuming. But the thing that had really upset her more than anything else is that she had been forced to walk out on a perfectly grilled, perfectly browned chicken breast. But she had had no choice. It was either that or she'd go to jail for murdering her date in a dimly lit restaurant with filthy cutlery.

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