Are you punishing your man for your ex's mistakes?

By Faeza
06 July 2016

Anonymous writes

I have been very unlucky in love, in the past. I have dated a string of men who treated me badly, took me for granted, abused me, cheated on me and made me feel worthless. And yet I still stayed with them. In fact, with many of them, I knew from the beginning that

they were bad but I still dated them. My problem is that I am now in a relationship with an

amazing man who treats me with kindness. He is good to me and worships the ground that

I walk on. Instead I am the one treating him badly. I think in the back of my mind, I feel like he is eventually going to turn out like the others. So I don’t want to get too comfortable. Despite all the things I have done to him, he has stuck with me and remained

loving and supportive. But I am worried that my behaviour and distrust will eventually push him away. What can I do to love and trust him?

Linda Yende gives anonymous advice 

Even though a woman may find a good man, her bad dating experiences may haunt her new relationship I know this is going to be very difficult, but I believe we need to go back and explore your relationships. We need to go back to your relationships with your

father and previous lovers. We will just speculate how that was. You can then take what applies to you. An absent father or a father who left you and your mom when you were young will often plant the seed of distrust in you. You will then find yourself thinking that all men who come into your life will eventually leave you too. This is an area that

may need some introspection.


Then we need to delve into your own romantic relationships. Were you quick to jump into relationships? Were you quick to start seeing a future and a happily ever after with every man that you got involved with? That often happens, when somebody is desperately looking for love. And this leads to making the wrong decisions.


The reason I wanted to start our discussion there was so we can clarify that you may have accidentally contributed to some of your bad relationships, by making bad choices. I am not saying that you are responsible for people treating you badly, but I am saying you

are responsible for allowing these people into your life. Knowing how you contributed

to a situation allows you to take back control. If everything that has happened in your past and in your life is put on the shoulders of others only, then you are giving them more power and more control than they deserve. Take back some responsibility and some power! The moment you say; “I did this. I got myself to this point.” Then you can equally say, “Right. I got myself here, so I can also get myself out of here.” Be the driver of this vehicle that is your life and take back the control. Your life should not be on auto pilot.


Now that we have dealt with the past…the present and the future can and will be easier to deal with. Let us take stock. You have a good man, now. You have a kind and loving man

in your life. But you fear that once you allow yourself to let your guard down and actually open your heart to him, then he will change. So you have concluded that hardening your heart will keep you protected from harm. Yes, it feels safe, but the question is, how is that

working out for you? Although it keeps intruders out, it is also keeping your heart locked in and prison is not a great place for anybody or anything to be in. Since we have already concluded that throughout all your bad relationships, you still could have taken back the power and walked away…the same conclusion can be drawn right now.


Allow yourself to love and trust completely, knowing that you are in control. Knowing that you still have the ability to get up and walk away, if things are not going the way you’d like them to be. That is what taking back control will do for you. But none of that can be possible if you have not taken back control. In the meantime, stop allowing your past to cloud your present. Right now, you are punishing your current man for the sins of your ex

men. And that is not fair to him. He doesn’t deserve to do time for crimes he didn’t commit. From the sound of it, he has been really good to you. Despite all your efforts to push him away, he has remained by your side and loyal. That is a priceless find! You

are blessed to have somebody who doesn’t choose to walk away at the first sign of trouble in the relationship. Be that woman for him, too.