In a relationship you must never get too comfortable

By Faeza
31 August 2016

Feeling Unsexy writes

In your book and talks, you often advice women not to stop trying to be sexy for their men after marriage. But how realistic is this expectation? How am I expected to be a career woman, a mother, a wife and still be a vixen to my husband? More importantly, is it fair of him to demand such from me? I have never been a small woman. But ever since giving birth to our two daughters (one is five and the other is two), I have just been too busy, too tired and frankly couldn’t be bothered about being sexy. I won’t lie, I do miss the old me.

I used to lead a very active life. I was into gym and I took part in athletics. I miss feeling fit and not being tired all the time. The old me was also much happier. This body really depresses me to the point where I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I do worry as well, that maybe he complains so much because he is seeing better women out there.

I don’t have a house full of servants, like celebrities, to look after the children, clean the house and cook while I go to the gym. So I told my husband that if he wants a wife who looks like model and singer Victoria Beckham, then he must make money like former soccer star David Beckham. And nobody is putting pressure on him, so maybe he needs to work on his pot belly too. Now he is sulking. Am I being unfair?

Linda Yende author of Wake up Woman responds:

Let's start by getting some perspective on what I say in my talks and my book. Let’s take a look at chapter one of my book, Wake Up, Woman!, that deals with cheating. It says, “First of all, it very rarely has anything to do with what you did or what you didn’t do. It’s always sad to watch a woman who has been cheated on start going to gym and looking after her appearance, trying to ‘win her man back’. Chances are, he would have cheated on her regardless.”


Please, I cannot stress this enough. Do look after yourself. Do stay fit. Do pay attention to the chipping nail-polish and ease up on the matronly look. Wearing the old tracksuit pants when you are at home? Not attractive at all. And this habit of wearing his sandals is just not on. You have a wardrobe full of clothes and they are not all for going out. Surely you have comfortable home clothes that are still flattering to your body. When women settle down, they do sometimes tend to start focusing more on ‘comfort’ than style.

News flash! He fell in love with a beautiful, stylish woman. Keep reminding him of that woman! Not just when you are going out. Otherwise, it seems you are only willing to make an effort to impress others, but never him. Don’t take your man for granted, ladies. But when you do all of this, do not do it with the intention of keeping your man. Do it rather so that on your side, you can never blame yourself. Remain the best you can be. Not just for him but for yourself as well. Do it so that you can, with a clear conscience, say, “I did my best”. If he always loved your cooking, you must say with pride that, “I always cooked for him. I never passed that responsibility on to the helper or fed him take-aways five days a week.”


And, for heaven’s sake, do not settle into a boring routine sexually. Granted, there are some men who never ever show their freaky sides to their madam but you can still show a bit of creativity. Heck, even in the missionary position, you can create some variety. Take off your clothes seductively and playfully, instead of undressing methodically and folding each item of clothing. Keep it entertaining. Now, to the crux of the matter. If you have all of these bases covered, none of it means that he definitely won’t cheat on you. But it does mean that you did your bit. The rest is all up to him.


What am I saying, here? I am saying don’t look after yourself as something that you are doing for him. It is looking after yourself. I don’t know about you but I am happier when I am fit. I love looking good! I cannot imagine anybody who doesn’t. And that is not something that you do for anybody else but you. We can hide behind busy careers and parenthood but the truth is, if you want something badly enough, you will create the time for it. Even if it means waking up an hour earlier. A simple walk around your block or your yard will give you some moderate exercise.

You can choose to watch what you eat or to take stairs instead of lifts and escalators. Those are the decisions you make for yourself. A decision to pay more attention to the way you dress does amazing things for your self-esteem. Right now, you are resisting it all, because it is coming from other people and is not your own decision. Yes, in the end, nobody has the right to ever tell you what to do with your body, but I am also saying take a look at where this is coming from. Is it from a place of love or from a place of putting you down? You say that you miss the old you and that the old you was so much happier. Perhaps he just wants you to find that old you again.