When you love your man but he does not love you back

By Faeza
02 June 2017

Anonymous from Cape Town writes:

It is hard for me to trust after many heartbreaks. I am currently in a relationship where I feel alone. If I don’t pay him a visit, he doesn’t bother either. When I visit him, we end up arguing over nothing. It seems as if I am the only one driving this relationship. Nothing happens unless I initiate it. All he ever does is complain about what I do wrong, meanwhile he never acknowledges the good things that I do. I have come to accept that he never has anything good to say to me. We never celebrate any milestones or anniversaries and even my birthday is totally ignored. Every time I bring this up, he always says I am making

a big deal out of the little things. What he doesn’t understand is that those little things mean something to me. How can a relationship between two people be so one-sided?

Linda Yende responds:

A relationship is an emotional connection between two people. In your case, the connection does not exist. It is all one sided. So, by definition, what you are in is not a relationship. Be honest with yourself. Why are you with a man who is not with you?

When somebody makes absolutely no effort to come see you, and you are the one who keeps going to him, surely that should tell you that you want to see him and he doesn’t want to see you. When you go to see him, he is always upset with you. Doesn’t that tell you that he doesn’t want you there?


You are clearly still holding on to what you used to have with him. Please wake up. Maybe he was sweet and loving in the past and you are still clinging to that and hoping it will come back. Perhaps you are just afraid of being alone, or of starting all over. People start over all the time; some start over after years of marriage. This person is a boyfriend, not a vital organ. You can live without him.


You are probably the kind of person that is holding on because, as they say, "half a loaf of bread is better than nothing". I would like to argue that people who use that phrase have accepted that they actually deserve better than that half a loaf. If you tell yourself that you deserve a table full of all kinds of food, you will not accept the half a loaf that you are being given. This lesson goes beyond love and relationships. It can be extended to all aspects of life. Whatever it is that you tell yourself you deserve, you should accept nothing less.


So, if you tell yourself that you deserve love, happiness, wealth and a comfortable life, you will not settle for anything less because you know in your heart of hearts that you should be getting better. You will only be ready for a better life once you let go of the substandard one that you are holding on to right now. Please, walk away and don’t look back. Stop holding on to a one-sided relationship.


Go where you are appreciated. We teach people how to treat us. You have allowed and given him full permission to do everything that he does to you. When you keep running after him, you are sending the message that, “Yes, I know that you have no interest in seeing me. But I am desperately holding on and I want to see you, whether you want

to see me or not.” Do you really want to be sending that message? There is a phrase that I love, which says, "When a man loves a woman, nothing will get in his way and if he

doesn’t, nothing will make him stay". When a man has lost interest in you, he will be too busy, there will be too much work, there will be too much stress and too many other things to do. The truth is, when somebody says they are too busy, they mean they are too busy for you.


They are able to prioritise and fit other things and people into their schedules, just not you. Similarly, when he says that things like your anniversaries and your birthdays are

not a big deal, he means they are not a big deal to him, because you are not important enough to him.


I urge you to love yourself enough to realise that you are in a place where you don’t belong. You are giving your heart to somebody who neither wants it, nor deserves it. This man has made it clear that he doesn’t value you and doesn’t want you in his life. You deserve better.

Stop celebrating anniversaries of a relationship that you shouldn’t be in. Make sure that you spend your next birthday with somebody who truly loves you. Even if that somebody is you.