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An Open Letter To A Car Guard

06 April 2014, 12:28

Dear Yellow Shirt Wearing Car Guard,

Having known you for a few years now I feel we need to either ramp our relationship up to the next level or call it quits and go our separate ways. Yes, it’s make or break, time to bare all, warts and all and be truthful with each other because without honesty we just won’t have a sound foundation which as you know is imperative if we are to build anything meaningful upon it.

Now I know that it won’t be easy as I’ll need to tell you a few secrets that I have been keeping from you. Nevertheless it is only fair that I am honest with you from this point on as only then will you be able to decide if pursuing this crazy thing we have going on will be in your best interest or not.

So here goes, from the depths of my heart, the truth;

1. I Can See

You are shocked I know but I only wear those dark glasses so as I can avoid eye contact with your kind and anyone else I might be avoiding at the time which on a Saturday morning is everyone. This said I try to avoid you 24/7 but you are so skilled at sneaking up on me that I often can’t help but acknowledge you and your cheeky false grin that seems permanently plastered on your dim looking face.

2. I Can Park Unassisted

Granted the truck I drive has the turning circle of a Boeing however if you would only get out of the way  and stop distracting me by waving your arms like an ANC appointed sign language translator you will be impressed by how I can sometimes get it right as I am each time I do.

3. I Secretly Want My Car To Get Stolen.

I understand that to you this seems crazy but to me it makes perfect sense. You see there is this scam called insurance that us working class folk get conned by each month. It is too difficult a concept to explain to you right now but trust me when I say that the only way I can prevent this scam from putting me in your precarious position is by having my car stolen every now and again. As it happens now would be an excellent time and to help things along I can’t remember the last time I locked it.  So please don’t stress about this happening and take some comfort in the knowledge that if it did, it would make me very happy. You do want me to be happy don’t you?

4. I Know That Iron Pipe That You Are Holding Is Only For Show.

Come on now you don’t need to pretend to be all brave with me! It’s ok being a coward! In fact in most cases it’s the smart stance to take. What I’m saying is that we both know that if crap came (and hopefully it will) you wouldn’t know what to do with that silly little thing. I am a bloke and I know blokes that I need to be weary of and you just aren’t one of them fella but that’s ok neither I nor my mechanical steed need your protection. So give up the pretence and save yourself the trouble of carrying that thing it looks on the heavy side and it just doesn’t suit you.

5. I Am Capable Of Carrying My Groceries.

You might think I’m crazy, perhaps I am but all the same I get up at 4.30am Monday to Friday just to pump iron and look at my vascular arms in the mirror. I know, it is a surprise to most but I am actually very strong, some might say superhuman but at very least I am strong enough to put you in a bag and carry you around the car park if Pick & Pay only made a bag that didn’t disintegrate under the weight of a couple of bags of milk (low fat at that) and a small block of cheddar. So again don’t worry about me, take it easy I got this.

6. I Know How To Find My Way Back To The Trolley Bay.

Unless it has been relocated in the last 30mins since I was last there I am pretty sure I can return my trolley to the same place I found it without your navigational expertise but thanks all the same.

7. Sucking Up To My Kids Won’t Guarantee You A Tip.

No it won’t! This is because I’m not stupid and neither are my kids we all know what you are trying to do.  Truth told I have been on not one but two Dale Carnegie Courses so I am very well versed in the art of influence and manipulation and let me tell you, you are doing it wrong.  All the same, if by chance my kids acknowledge your amateur antics do not take this as a sign of financial reward to follow but rather as a sign of good manners. Sadly in few years’ time my kids will grow-up, become a little more streetwise a touch cynical and ignore you as I now try to do with mixed success.

7. I Can Reverse.

Look I know my wife really struggles with this and so do a lot of other people, all woman come to think of it apart from this one dude I know so I guess I can’t generalise but back to the meat of the matter, I really can reverse, I have no problem here apart from trying to avoid driving over your feet. Make it easy on both of us and step aside, I got this one too.

8. I Know You Spend The Money I Used To Give You On Luxury Items And Gambling.

You won’t remember this but right after you conned me out of another five bucks (which was incidentally the last 5 bucks you ever won off me) I went back to the shop to get the kids a juice each and stood behind you as you bought a lotto ticket and tobacco products with in part the money I gave you. Shame on you Yellow Shirt Wearing Car Guard there are working people the World over that cannot afford to blacken their lungs with luxurious cancer sticks (yes I noticed you didn’t buy the cheapies) and squandering money on cheap thrills is unforgivable. I worked for that money, granted not very hard but still if anyone should benefit from blackened lungs and heightened disappointment then I feel strongly that it should be me not you.

9. I Know About That Other Guy In Your Life And He Doesn’t Care About You Like I Do.

That guy that gives you a new yellow shirt every four years is not who he makes out to be. Look I don’t know how to say this accept to say that just like the Easter Bunny and Santa who are also just pretend characters designed to trick you into doing stuff you shouldn’t such as eating too much chocolate and spending more than you earn (bad example that was insensitive sorry), that man that gives you that shirt is a charlatan. He cares even less about you than I do which is almost impossible if it weren't for the fact that I am still human. Let me try to clarify. You know how I said I try to avoid driving over your foot? Well this is not because I am scared of causing you injury. No it simply because of the potential implications that this event (because I can’t promise that it will be an accident) will have for me. I can clearly picture me being “detained” in some makeshift security charge office whilst your grubby tobacco stained fingers point towards me, the image set against a striking yellow background emanating from your t-shirt. You see I don’t mind riding over your foot I doubt I would even flinch to be honest. Now that free shirt guy, he cares even less about you. Sorry about being so blunt but you need to know and we are being honest here remember?

So there it is that’s me open right to the bone. Things are simple for us here on out as the way I see it for us to move forward you can do one of two things:

I.            You could call that number I gave you 2 years ago and ask for that job I spoke to you about instead of wasting money on scrap paper (which incidentally free shirt man has an economic interest in too). It’s a real opportunity and a real number. Why didn’t you ever call?

II.            You can get a pair of dark glasses and pretend to not see me and I’ll continue to do the same and so long as you don’t get in the way of my truck we can both live happily ever after.



The Owner of ND45873 (never locked) and father of two well-mannered kids.

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