Frikkie and Sarel was mos walking down ve road into ve dorp to get vemselves a dop. Vey left ve bakkie by ve house, even if it war blarrie hot, so vat Minnie, Frikkie’s wife, doesn’t check vat vey’re not vere.
‘I get so ve moer in!’ said Frikkie.
‘Vese blarrie Americans come here and tell us how to run our blarrie country!’ He shook his head so hard, his hat almost come off. ‘You know my Pa has mos got a blarrie nice farm vere near Middelburg?’
Sarel nodded, ‘Ya?’
‘Well vis blarrie American oke comes out here, he knows blarrie nuffing, an’ he wants to tell my pa how to blarrie do fings. Vose people are full of kak!’
Sarel, he’s mos not a ou what talks a lot, but even he said, ‘Ya swaer.’ And ven he give mos a big sigh. If he does vat, ven you know he’s mos getting ve moer in.
Now it was mos blarrie hot, so vey said nuffing for a bit, till vey got to ve bar and got two beers. Vey went to sit right vere under ve ceiling fan and just drank veir beers wifout talking. When vey got veir second beer, Frikkie started talking again. ‘Vis blarrie Yank called Bubba, he tries to tell my pa how we must run our blarrie country. He asks my pa how big his farm is, so Pa tells him five hundred morgen, so vat blarrie ou laughed! What’s so blarrie funny about vat?!’
Sarel shook his head. He dirrent know.
‘He says to my toppie, “You call that big? That ain’t big! I get in my pickup before the sun rises, and when the sun’s gone down again, I still ain’t reached the end of my farm” ‘
‘So my toppie chaffs him, “Ya, I also used to have a bakkie like that.” ‘
Ou Sarel had lekker laugh then.
‘Ven he chaffs my toppie, how many calves does he get from a stud, and my toppie says, “Why, you want the job?” ‘ Sarel’s beer came straight out his nose ven. Frikkie went to ve toilet to get some paper so he could clean up ve mess. Sarel was still laughing, even after ve mess was cleaned up.
‘Yinne, Frikkie, you mus’ mos be careful when you tell stories like that!’
‘Ya, so vis ou says to my toppie he can get more calves if he gives vese stud bulls vese special tablets from America. My toppie asked him mos what vey’re called, but vis ou courrent remember. He says vey tasted like peppermints, but vat’s all he knows’
‘What does vis ou look like?’ asked Sarel.
‘I dunno,’said Frikkie, ‘but my pa says he’s mos got pramme like a woman.’
‘Serious?!’ Sarel was amazed. He never checked a ou wif such big pramme.
‘Ya, and vis ou says we mus’ mos do what vey do in America, den vis won’t be such a kak country. My pa almos’ klapped him ven.’
‘“Zuma is kak, orright, but he’s our kak!” Vat’s what my toppie chaffed him.’
‘ “ You ous mos also got a black president, we don’ chaff you how to make him work harder!” ‘
Sarel was nodding now; he was on his fourth beer, and ve more he drank, ve more ve moer in he got.
‘Ven vis ou writes rubbish on ve blarrie computer, how Souf African women are kak an’ don’ shave and have got sugar tits.’
‘Vere is vis blarrie ou?’ said Sarel. He was serious ve bliksem in.
‘I dunno. Maybe he’s telling ve gov’mint what to do. Maybe he can give Jacob Zuma those pills!’
Now Sarel was laughing vat he was holding onto his stomach. ‘No, boet!’ he said, when he calmed down. ‘You’re making up vese stories!’
‘Serious, Sarel, I’m not. Vis ou said all vese fings. I on’y joked about Zuma.’
‘Ya swaer, sounds like Bubba and Zuma can be friends.’
‘Ya, Sarel. Maybe Zuma’s laaities can play wif his pramme!’