Last night after I defended my side of the political fence here on MyNews24, I had missed all my opportunities to get lucky. So everything that breathed in this house, including the Granny and Grandpa, were sound asleep by the time Claudia Meads had told the ANC exactly what she thinks of them. I took a quick look into the bedroom to see if just maybe Mrs. Biker was still awake reading the latest book on how to keep compulsive cheaters at bay, but sadly cream face was asleep. It is really no fun facing this embalmed Egyptian Mummy every night of my life. She stands in that bathroom and smears these creams and potions into her face and neck for hours. I have no right to discuss her beauty routine with other people but you know what is really disgusting? She uses haemorrhoid ointment around her eyes. Stop laughing! Be thankful you do not have to kiss a woman good night with haemorrhoid ointment around her eyes. Next thing we will see Andy McDowell on TV replacing L’Oreal Revita Lift with L’Oreal Anal Replenisher! Anyway, so to sum up this household; the Warrior hardly comes near the Egyptian Mummy at night! I wait for the mornings when all of that haemorrhoid gunk has been absorbed and I can see her blue eyes again. So the only things that wanted to be near me were the dogs because I feed them lots of cookies so they love me lots when the rest of the house isn’t talking to me and of course the TV. So I start watching a movie and during the first ad break I am stunned by an ad. Nogal a cell phone ad of all things! I have never heard such a sex provoking ad in my life! It was an MTN ad where they had an old Temptations song from long ago that I have never heard before. It was an amazing song! Lady Soul. It is one of those songs that induces pelvic movements instantaneously. You get up like as if hypnotised and start swaying your hips and nature kicks in like a stallion smelling stuff that needs to be jumped upon. I turn the TV off immediately and rush over to the laptop and log on again. I found the song within seconds and downloaded it. It was a 1988 song back at a time when I was still hugging my teddy bear. Sweet innocent me. I play this sexy song a couple of times and the Devil takes control of my soul! No kidding! But what do I now do with only an Egyptian Mummy around? Can you imagine I go wake haemorrhoid eyes up at this bewitching hour? She will hit me with the bed lamp! But one thing I knew for sure was when she hears this song the lamb will lie down to be slaughtered! So a quick strategy has to be worked out. I cut a CD of the song. I then sneak into the kids bedroom and steal their boom box. But I can’t just rush into our bedroom with a boom box and wake the Egyptian up. Won’t work. While I’m thinking of additional tools to give this performance of mine some extra oomph, my eyes catch a vase of flowers I sent the Egyptian earlier this week. I promptly get undressed in the lounge and hurry off to the drawer where the gift wrapping is kept. I find some red ribbon she uses for Christmas gifts and tie some around my tummy. Make a big bow around me. I then decide maybe I will look exceptional if I tie some of the ribbon around my dingalong. Gift wrap myself! To give the package the final touches I decide to put a flower in my mouth and two in my ears and then clench another between my buttocks to round the surprise off. I will then go into our bedroom, start playing the song in the dark until she wakes and turns on the bed lamp. And there sweet me, flowers in every crack, is standing swaying my hips on the beat of this sexy song. Won’t this performance melt the haemorrhoid ointment around her eyes and soften her heart? So I’m standing in the kitchen with a flower in every ear and my mouth. The buttocks one has now fallen out when I feel the bow around my dingalong is too tight. Don’t want to damage this prized possession of mine. So I quickly undo the bow and make it fit a bit better. I’m concentrating so deeply on this packaging of mine and with the flowers in my ears I didn’t hear my Dad come into the kitchen to fetch some water. His face!!!!! He says: “Oh Gawd I am going to regret your conception till the day I die?” I haven’t laughed this much in years! I was finished! I left the embalmed Egyptian in peace to sleep!