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Irukandji
 
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Dogs are dangerous gods

29 July 2012, 14:55

These pages have long been the battleground for atheists, Muslims, and Christians. What strikes me is that members of the largest religion in the world have kept out of the war. I’m talking about those who practise *Zoolatry; specifically that strange cult: the Dog Worshippers.

Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats; the people in Borneo treat the hawk as a god; Mongolians revere the wolf; Zimbabweans worship Bob boon.

Hindus too, have some strange gods. (Hot curry will do that to you.) They seem to pray to all sorts of pesky things; rats, monkeys, snakes, Rama Margarine, and all and all.

**Australians are Sheep Worshippers – the men only marry because sheep can’t cook.

Here in our very own Zumania, it is not uncommon for some of the pee pull to worship the neighbour’s goat when no one is watching. (But this, I suspect, is more of an African tradition than a religion.)

There are thousands of people who worship dogs. My neighbour is one of these – a serious Dog Worshipper. He devotes most of his spare time idolizing his two little mongrels. Number One resembles an overgrown rat – with a serious genetic defect; whilst Number Two is obviously a purebred cross between a porcupine and a bad case of the flu.

Number One’s bark, which only stops while the little bugger is being fed, sounds like a chainsaw with its genitals being crushed in a vice. The other little monster just pees all over the place and makes slobbering, snotty sounds whenever it sees the worshipper (my neighbour) approaching with food.

Number One and Two reward my neighbour by leaving ***sponge thorns all over his lawn. Like the manna from Heaven in the Old Testament – he devoutly collects the sponge thorns every morning.

I, too, once had a dog and would no doubt have turned into a Dog worshipper but for karma.

Years ago, we moved to a plot outside the town of Potchefstroom; as it was known in the good old days. Nowadays it is probably called Phineas Philemon Mahlangu Bonga-Bonga Township, or some equally inspiring democratic name of a struggle hero.

In Potch, someone told me that the local ****Dominee had a large dog and that he was looking for someone to give it a good home. I collected the dog, was told that his name was Petrus (after the biblical Peter), thanked the Dominee, and returned with the dog to what was known as my “good home.”

Petrus was a large dog. He had short red hair with long flaps for ears – and large orange eyes – with a penis similar to that of the main weapon on an army battle tank. I’m talking 105mm cannon here, you chaps! A Weapon of Mass Destruction.

I decided to give the devil his due and changed his name to Peester, from an Old Dutch word, meaning: “dog armed with a 105mm cannon.” Peester didn’t seem to mind.

Now we come to the tragic bit. This poor canine (from the Dutch church) had been living a life of celibacy – something the Dominee neglected to mention. Suddenly, Peester turned into an unleashed Dog of Whore. Morning, noon, and night, he was at it. If it moved around my house or yard, Peester pumped it.

Once, Peester nearly humped the neighbour’s Number Two dog to death when it ventured into my garden to pee on the plants. Peester didn’t seem to mind Number Two’s slobbering, snotty sounds! Bloody embarrassing, I can tell you.

In the end I could no longer stand the competition and decided to get rid of old Peester; the Fastest Gun in the North West. I gave him to a local farmer who apparently used Peester’s unique mating ability, to breed sheep dogs.

Now you know why I’m not a dog worshipper – they’re bloody dangerous gods. Don’t say you haven’t been warned!

*Zoolatry – Animal worship

**Australia; where men are men and sheep are nervous

***sponge thorns feel soft and spongy when you step on them, but, after a couple of steps, you spontaneously start limping – as if you have stepped on a thorn. Also known as “doggie poo,” from the ancient Chinese, meaning: “food has walked here.”

****Dominee – “iemand die voorgaat bij een godsdienstoefening van protestantse gezindte.”

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