All weight loss programmes, and there are many of them, include Weight Watchers, Scarsdale, Paleo and Atkins which promise to transform us into Barbie or Ken.
Slimming tablets and diet supplements were invented in the 1800's and today are the biggest selling products in the USA. However, nearly 74% of Americans are overweight. So clearly these do not work.
New on the market is the Real Meal Revolution. This guarantees weight loss with double cream yoghurt, full fat mayonnaise, bacon and butter on the menu. Apples included in the Orange Group are high in carbohydrates and should only be eaten in limited quantities, we are told.
I eat an apple a day as I thought this kept the doctor away. They are also a naughty fruit according to malevolent women such as Eve and the Evil Queen. This is why I eat at least two.
The Paleo Diet is also adverse to carbs but endorses the high fat content in roasted pork. Sugar in carbs apparently promotes wrinkles. What to do now?
I was nearly convinced that a high protein/low carb diet is the best. Then I read that high protein diets may increase cancer and diabetes.
When a reporter commented on her physical beauty, Sophia Loren proclaimed: "Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti." Good for her.
Other diets include stuffing yourself for two days and then not eating the following day. Repeat. Coffee is bad for you and then it's good. Potatoes are bad for weight gain. Now they are good for the heart. Sunnyside-Ups used to be the norm. Now fried eggs, excessive exercise and overloading on vitamins may kill you.
Celebrities also have their ten cents worth. Samuel L. Jackson, a vegan, eats nothing 'with a face or a mother.' Mike Tyson, also a vegan, was not adverse to biting off Evander's ear though. Fergie, before her marriage to Andrew, lost 11kg's on a meat and orange diet. After eating the food provided by The Firm she was called the Duchess of Pork.
Ashton Kutcher, believing he has the answer to all this nonsense, said: "If all the fat people just gave all the skinny people more food, we could all just eat. We'd solve obesity and hunger at the same time."
Runway models lunch on celery sticks and bottled water. When they are about to faint from hunger they eat boiled skinless chicken or fish. John Steinbeck wrote - The line between hunger and anger is a thin one. No wonder these models look so miserable.
Without further ado, here is my - I'll Eat What I Want, When I Want Diet which is tried and tested over decades.
7-10am Breakfast - A bowl of muesli with two bananas. Then a chocolate bar. (Not dark though. This tastes horrible.) Or a Full English at Mugg and Bean. Or just a cup of coffee.
1-3pm Lunch - A chunk of cheese and crackers. Or a soggy toasted sarmie. Or a large bunch of grapes. Is there a health risk between black, red or green?
7-9pm Dinner - Steak, eggs and chips sounds good. Or a double helping of pasta. I didn't feel like eating last night and have felt no side effects.
As a survivor of boarding school meals for twelve years I had to eat what was on the plate in front of me. All of it.
I am healthy and have never watched what I eat. I just eat.
So, don't play with your food. Enjoy it.