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Freedom Chatter 3

06 March 2014, 09:00

Backed by the populous demand of exactly four (4) people, I bring you the third malicious chapter from the mythical Freedom Charter Chronicles, called: All Shall be Equal before the Law!

As with all soapies, the characters in my story get old, they die, get reincarnated as the evil twin, are reborn, come out of the closet, get pregnant, get divorced, are reborn, change jobs and lovers, go back into the closet, are reborn, and finally, they leave the limelight and the building (but not necessarily in that order). This is done on purpose; to confuse the mindless masses (MMS’s) who watch courtroom piss stories on TV. Not that it is important right now, but keep it in mind.

All right, children, settle down. Today we are going to scrutinize the third chapter of the Kliptown Chronicles – that sacrosANCt document, which declares: “Our country will never be prosperous or free until all our people live in brotherhood, enjoying equal rights and opportunities.”

In other words: NEVER. Not in a billion years. Or even longer.

From the previous chapter, you will recall the gathering of the Elves and Dwarves in the little hamlet of Klipkoptown. Their aim was to see who could come up with the most outrageous demand.

“Calm down, comrades. Please! Calm down!” shouted the chairman. The delegates reluctantly stopped toi-toiing and took to their seats. (You do remember why they were not called to order, of course? If not, you really have to start paying attention in class.)

An old dwarf stood up. The chair recognised him. So did the table. He was an icon – from the Greek word: eikon, which is a corn, or a callus – something that forms on the toes of a person who wears the wrong size shoes, and then takes a long hike to freedom.

“A-a-a-a-all the pee pull must-ah eat bake-kuh-tuh potatoes!” he declared in a loud voice. “Like-ah Slavery... and Apartheid... ah-potato is not-ah natural. It is-ah man-made... It-ah can be overcome... and eradicated. Amandla, Ubuntu, Batho Pele, and-ah, a Pox on Nkandla!”  

“Thank you, and tata!” said the chair. “Goodbye, tata, totsiens, and hamba kahle,” said the table. (Chairs and tables can speak in Klipkoptown.)

The old dwarf sat down in his favourite Weekend-at-Bernie’s wheelchair, and was immediately attended to by his own, private, personal, white tea girl – the ultimate status symbol in Klipkoptown.

A fat little dwarf, in a garden gnome outfit, wearing a red beret which clung to his shiny, bulbous head like an overstuffed leech, shouted from the back of the hall: “Let’s start the EFFing party, already! I’m thirsty! Tonight I’m going to nationalise Johnny Blue.”

An old Elf, dressed in a gay purple dress, with a fetching little purple beret on his head, and a BIG cross on a chain around his neck, got up and said: “Hi. My name is Arch. Hic! You can call me Arch. Hic! I am an archbishopoholic. I took my last drink at mass this morning. Hic!”

“Hi, Arch Hic! You’re welcome,” chorused the comrades.

Arch Hic dried his tears. The comrades thought he was crying from an attack of the dronkverdriets. Not so; it was tears of laughter. He was still laughing at all the BS stories he had to listen to at the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, almost twenty years earlier.

Then, in a thin, reedy, sing-song, pulpity voice, he resumed: “We are, eh-eh-eh, all of us, eh, gross human sinners, who have had, eh-eh, rightly, or wrongly, eh-eh-eh, been violated, against, eh, by the apartheid regime, eh-eh, like the, eh-eh-eh, rainbow nation. The whites must, eh-eh-eh-eh, repent! Hic! You know, eh-eh, what? This is my first fully, eh-eh, democratic, eh-eh-eh, erection since the duck days of Apartheid. Hic!”

“Viva, Arch Hic! Viva!” sang the comrades.

(The Dwarves and Elves love stories about Apartheid – it inspires them to invent even more astonishing fables of their impeccable, struggling credential heroes. The brave comrades, who fought in the trenches outside the pubs in London and Amsterdam, while they were in the far-off Colonial Lands of Exile.)

Arch Hic continued: “All Shall be Equal Before the Law, Hic!

(My comments in brackets):

1.         No-one shall be imprisoned, deported, or restricted without a fair trial. (Instead, criminals shall be declared terminally ill, and sentenced to a life of playing golf, and going shopping. Or, they shall be redeployed to another government department, where they can cause even more damage.)

2.         The courts shall be representative of all the people. (This means the courts shall be staffed with drunks, adulterers, criminals, racists, rapists, corrupt officials, incompetent fools, philanderers, etc, etc. Like the inebriated judge who crashed into a wall with his Jaguar, and then shouted: “Hakuna Matata, the wall is white! This is a racist conspiracy against me!”)

3.         Imprisonment shall be only for serious crimes against the people, and shall aim at re-education, not vengeance. (Crimes such as the “mismanagement” of millions of rands, or charges of racketeering, corruption, money laundering and fraud, are not classified as “serious crimes.” In fact, this will ensure that the perpetrator gets elected to the highest seat of power in the country: the King of Nkandla.)

(And if you should plant a bomb, which kills and maims innocent civilians, it shall not be considered as a serious crime against the people. Instead, you will be rewarded with a massive salary, and appointed as the Executive Director of the Independent Police Investigative Directorate. IDIOT, for short.)

4.         The police force and army shall be open to all on an equal basis and shall be the helpers and protectors of the people. (This means that the police shall help themselves to bribes and protect their corrupt fellow cops from being exposed as common criminals. The army shall be staffed on an equal basis with criminals, ex-terrorists, obese creatures in uniform, and incompetent delinquents.)

5.         All laws which discriminate on grounds of race, colour or belief shall be repealed. (Except for Affirmative Action and BEE. These laws are not racist – they are only aimed at ensuring that the white minority are deprived of jobs, promotion, study opportunities, careers, and equal rights. They are not discriminatory at all.)


And with that, children, we’ve come to the end of yet another chapter in this mind-numbing saga. Now go out and commit some heinous crime; and you will see that you can get away with murder in this country. Literally.

Remember: We are all Equal Before the Law. Just pay the bribe.

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