This, the fourth and final chapter (thank the gods) in the apocryphal series, The Freedom Charter Files, is called: The Doss of Lenning and Cultcha Shall be Opeend!
(Like that old American television series, The X-Files, the Freedom Charter has a sinister and creepy undertone: The Truth is Out There. Unfortunately the Truth is not contained within the Charter. So, heed an X-Files slogan: Trust No One.)
Hello, kiddies! Yebo, it’s time again for another look at that remarkable moment in this country’s history – when your famous ancestors, forefathers, forebears, foreskins, and foremost forerunners of freedom flocked to the flipping fortress at Klipkoptown. In this chapter, the Elves and Dwarfs are still hard at it – trying to outdo one another in proposing the most far-fetched demands in the Kingdom of Ah-puttheight.
“Comrades,” began the chairpessin, “if you don’t sit down immediately, and keep quiet, I shall be forced to call you to order. And you know what will happen then, don’t you?”
The Elves and Dwarfs knew what would happen. They’ve all read Freedom Chatter 2, so they settled down immediately.
“This Lekgotla is now in session,” said the chairpessin. (Lekgotla: from the ancient Bongo-Bongo language, meaning: a place of sleeping, free T-shits, free KFC, and free booze.)
“Heita! Nou, ek wil weet daai dêng,” cried an angry little dwarf wearing a red EFFing beret. “Why do we, the Pee Pull, and the Elves, and the Dwarfs, have to leave in the squatta camps, while the white colonialist setlas leave in their big howzees and on the fums that they stole from our forefathers? At night, in the squatta camps, the music from the shebeens – and the tsotsi’s racing their BMW’s up and down the streets – is giving us no peace. That is why my fistbon son is called No Peace. And my second son is also called No Peace. And all eighteen of my other sons are also called No Peace. Why do the white setlas own the mines, and the big howzees, and the banks, and the fums? Why is the economy still in the hands of white grey-haired males, such as that bloody racist old fart, Irukandji, and his friends? I leave you with this putting shot: The fum wekkas, the nesses, the mynas, the teechas – all of this pessins – will be getting the benny feet of financial freedom if they vote for my putty. Viva, EFF! Viva!”
(That last paragraph has 1,026 characters, with spaces. Try reading it without breathing. Then listen to the title track: **Take My Breath Away, by Berlin.)
“Hoor! Hoor! Madam chairpessin.” shouted Pietertjie Mulder, a white elf from the Freedom Front, sitting in the back row. He was wearing his turncoat T-shit back-to-front – EFF written across his Boere boeppens – and the FF+ emblem emblazoned on the back.
“Hamba, mlungu!” said the chairpessin, “You call me a whore one more time and I’ll have you arrested and taken to cot. I’m not a sex wekka! The angry EFFing dwarf was tocking about the crimes of Irukandji and his Gnat government. Go back to Orania! Bloody agent.”
“Maaifoedies!” mumbled the FF plus mlungu as he left. (Although he was actually from the far right.)
Suddenly, a loud voice shrieked out!
“I’ve got it!” shouted a skinny little elf from the middle of the hall – waking up all the sleeping comrades.
“What have you got? The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything Else?” asked the chairpessin.
“No, Honourable Chairpessin! I’ve just caught this little amagundwana that has come to permanently enlarge my penis, bring back lost lover, and give me good luck! Just like *Dr. Shafik Kawagga (cell: 072 817 0416) from Mamelodi said it would!” cried the skinny one, hold up a wriggling rat by its tail. “This is my lucky day!”
“Sugai, wena! Leave the Lekgotla! Go with Pietertjie!”
But then, just as the skinny little elf got up to leave, a light shone down on him from the heavens, and he spoke in a loud screechy voice, like a broken vuvuzela: “I predict that the Doss of Lenning and Cultha Shall be Opeend!”
“Wow! At last! That is it! 42! The Ultimate Demand! Give him the Blue Label!” the comrades went crazy.
The Doors of Learning and Culture Shall be Opened!
(My remarks in brackets):
1. All cultural treasures of mankind shall be open to all, by free exchange of books, ideas and contact with other lands. (When last have you been to a public library? Or a museum? Or an art gallery? All the buildings are in a sorry state of disrepair. Exhibitions, equipment, and books are stolen and damaged. Nothing is maintained, replaced, or repaired. New books are not procured by libraries, due to a lack of funds.)
2. The aim of education shall be to teach the youth to love their people and their culture, to honour human brotherhood, liberty and peace. (BS! With drunken teachers, girls raped at school, pupils stabbing one another with knives, and drugs freely available at schools? The main aim of schooling should be to give the children quality education with emphasis on maths, science, and other useful, practical subjects. School should prepare them for tertiary education, or to acquire “real” jobs once they leave school.)
3. Education shall be free, compulsory, universal and equal for all children. (Free education means nothing when the quality of the education, the standard of teaching, and the ability and proficiency of the teachers is at such a low level, that the children’s qualifications are amongst the lowest in the world.)
4. Adult illiteracy shall be ended by a mass state education plan. (When the children leave school, they are barely literate. This means that the numbers of illiterate adults will just keep increasing as time goes by.)
5. The colour bar in cultural life, in sport, and in education shall be abolished. (The coloured bars have been closed and replaced with sports bars, gay bars, sushi bars, and shebeens. AA and “representivity” has prevented thousands of white students from studying at our universities.)
And that, my dear piccaninis, brings us to the end of these inciting fables. I leave you with the opening lines of the Chronicles:
The Freedom Charter
(As adopted at the Congress of the People, Kliptown, on 26 June 1955)
We, the People of South Africa, declare for all our country and the world to know: that South Africa belongs to all who live in it, black and white...
Ha, ha, ha! With BEE and AA? You could have fooled me!
*Dr. Shafik Kawagga (cell: 072 817 0416) – call him if you don’t believe me
**Take My Breath Away – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUis9yny_lI