PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
GonzoMike
 
Comments: 14
Article views: 3
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all GonzoMike's badges.
 

Global Domination in 3 Simple Steps

06 February 2013, 09:01

I am often asked, in all my caustic wisdom, “GonzoMike, what is the best way to achieve complete Global Domination?” The answer will shock you.

Achieving Global Domination is surprisingly simple and by the end of this article you will be wondering why more people haven’t already achieved it. The answer is: Not everybody wants Global Domination. Most people are actually quite content to lead normal lives as teachers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. Ha! Poor fools!

Global Domination can be achieved by correctly applying the basic tenets of goal-setting; first you must have a clear goal: in this case Global Domination. Second, you must have a tangible outcome, something that once done, you will know that you have achieved your goal, for example, “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to conduct and direct world affairs” or “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to instantaneously spy on/and or control the behaviour of anyone who happens to be unfortunate enough to fall within the spectrum of my vast-conciousness!” Look at you already getting into the role of world dictator! Good job! In a few more steps you will have an operational strategy to begin your conquest!

Once you have a goal and a clearly defined outcome, you will need to build a step-by-step strategy, lucky for you, I have taken the time and effort of compiling one tailor-made for your requirements! Free of charge and with no strings attached! Do you see what a benevolent educator I am?

Step 1:

You will need a lair. This can be as simple as a secret laboratory beneath your parent’s house or as luxurious as a mansion in Sandton or Polokwane.  Once attained move on to Step 2.

Step 2:

You will need a legion of obedient followers. The closer to brain-dead your minions are, the better, but take caution not to stray too close to the brain-dead baseline as being dead is worse for your troop’s functional capabilities than low morale. Unless of course you choose option 3 below. The best way to gather an unquestioningly loyal army is via the following means:

1)     1)  Create your own religion complete with vague metaphors and conflicting dogma. E.g. “We are all but bunnies, dancing to the tune of the great carrot. Everything that is, is because the great carrot has willed it through his song.”

2)     2) Limit access to education for the masses. This may be difficult unless you are already in charge of an organization capable of such a thing. In which case, congratulations! You’re already halfway there! If this is the case, shutting down the internet and other channels of self-improvement and information flow should be of top priority to you.

3)     3) Orchestrate a Zombie apocalypse. Pro Tip: With some basic house training, Zombies make excellent slaves!  

4)     4)  Cool advertising and celebrity endorsements. This may sound like a logistical nightmare, but Graphic Design and Animation students will work for next to nothing, with the money you save, you can afford to hire your very own a washed-out celebrity mascot! They’re a dime-a-dozen! 

Step 3:

So you have your headquarters, your force of brainwashed disciples, now you’re ready for the big one! Depending on your choice of tangible outcome, you may now:

1)    1)  Use your minions to steal all the cake in the entire world.

2)    2)  Hijack communications and bombard the people of earth with your smiling face until they come to realize that you are their one true leader.

3)    3)  Become omnipresent with the use of a specially concocted cocktail of arsenic, cyanide and the sports drink of your choice.

4)    4)  Be confident to pick up girls at your local nightclub.

5)    5)  Work for Google.

I wish you all the best on your journey, friend! Good luck!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
14 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Walter Maja
No end to political killings in K...

With the Moerane Commission still investigating the political killings at KwaZulu-Natal it’s disheartening that the province still continues to experience same brutal killings of politicians. Read more...

0 comments 304 views
Submitted by
Rev Maudu Morudu
Mugabe left a legacy of dictators...

What happened to Mugabe is a clear lesson that, the political future of those who want to stay in power forever does not last long. Read more...

0 comments 229 views
Submitted by
Rodgers Buluma
Entrepreneurship the only way to ...

Job opportunities in Kenya and across the world have become treasures to both the elites and those who are educationally challenged. Read more...

0 comments 141 views
Submitted by
Sibongile Mlangeni
Christians must not pay tithes

Christian tithing has no New Testament example and no command either. It is unscriptural for Christians to pay tithes. It was meant for a specific nation for specific purposes.  Read more...

0 comments 5889 views
Submitted by
Pedro Mzileni
Student depression: Why some stud...

The successful people who have graduated think that sharing their stories is a sign of weakness. The socio-academically struggling students think that asking for help is a sign of weakness.  Read more...

0 comments 532 views
Submitted by
Ken Sibanda
Mugabe still subject to civil law...

The immunity granted to President Mugabe this Tuesday, while it covers criminal and civil charges in Zimbabwe, does not cover civil lawsuits filed in foreign countries on his person. Read more...

0 comments 697 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Jobs in Western Cape region

CSR Inbound

Cape Town Northern Suburbs
O'Brien Recruitment
R14 000 - R16 000 Per Month

Junior Chef

Century City
Pro Placements Recruitment Agency
R8 000 - R9 000 Per Month

Graphic Designer

Cape Town Northern Suburbs
Creative Sourcing
R7 000 - R9 000 Per Month

Property [change area]

 

services

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2017 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.