Guide for the prowling man

2012-07-13 15:18

Are you single, divorced or just a married dog with questionable morals? Well here is a guide to make the most of life and take a lot of agony out of your life.

Firstly you should get yourself a bike. Not only will your traffic congestion problems go away, but peak traffic will become the best part of your day. Change your frustration with traffic into the best part of your day. You turn this frustration into your prowling hour.

Once you hit the stream of cars, you stop the bike behind a stationary car and you cast your eye across the sea of cars and then you choose your victim very carefully. To make matters easier for you, I am now going to list the options, together with the pros and cons of each, alphabetically. Please bear in mind that these rules only apply to the fairer sex.

If you see one of the following:

ALFA ROMEO:

Drive past and don’t even look at her. Save yourself the agony because she will so hot, you are bound to crash the bike into another stationary car. She is already involved with a guy much hotter than you and the chances are good he has a Ferrari.

AUDI:

Avoid Audis at all cost, bar one model. Girls in Audis are involved with boring men. Together her and her miserable man couldn’t afford a decent luxury car and the odds are good that they bought the Audi second hand for the sole purpose to impress their immediate family.

Woman in Audis are always married and live boring lives cooking rice and potatoes for her ever so obese husband.

BUT:

If you spot an Audi TT, the whole analysis changes. Be prepared for a stunner. You can adjust your crotch at this point and make your way slowly towards the Audi.

Behind the wheel you will find a girl so elegant and sexy, you won’t believe your eyes. They normally have shoulder length hair and a very hot business suit on. You need to memorise her registration number. This is important and instructions will follow later on this matter.

BMW:

Avoid all BMW’s. From the 1 Series all the way through to an X5. They mostly work for the government and are stealing your tax money. If you see an X5 chances are good that it will be black and have blue lights. Say no more. Stay away at all costs, you don’t want then near your bed.

FIAT:

HOT HOT HOT Girls. Especially a girl in a Fiat 500. She will rock your boat and you will drown in your own waves of lust. A Fiat 500 screams passion. It is the kind of girl where you arrive at her door with a red rose stuck in your mouth with your underpants on because you forgot to put your pants on because you were in such a hurry to get to her. This car is passion on 4 wheels.

HONDA:

This is a tricky one because it all depends what age you are. If you are under 50, simply just pass the Honda and don’t bother. But if you are an over 50 biker then this could change your pension savings dramatically.

Honda is driven by Grannies of whom the Grandpa has already departed for Heaven. He had a Mercedes and a lot of money, which the Granny has now invested with a reputable investment analyst. You could sleep yourself into millions, but be careful the investment analyst doesn’t know you have had the Granny change her will.

Once you have had the Granny’s heart fail her during one of your wild sessions in her upscale townhouse, you can always return and prowl on younger victims.

You could then buy yourself a bigger bike with the fortune you have inherited and go prowl on girls in Minis.

LAND ROVER:

Avoid all Land Rovers. She is married to a very sensible level headed guy and he certainly isn’t a man whore like you, so you can bring no benefit to her life.

LEXUS:

Just cast your eye ever so slightly into the car and try and hear if she is playing Requiem Mass in D Minor by Mozart. In layman’s language that is Mozart’s Death Requiem. Drive past and forget you ever noticed the Lexus.

MERCEDES BENZ:

Read the BMW analysis and add fridge to the synopsis. She is so impressed with herself having arrived that she hasn’t got time to notice a man.

The worst though, you should avoid is when they drive SLK’s. Gold Digging vultures that prowl themselves on Viagra Drive in Sandton. Dangerous predators of huge fortunes.

MINI COOPER:

Mini Coopers need to be renamed. We should call them Maxi Pleasure. No other car ever manufactured says so much about a girl’s sex appeal. It is off the charts.

I can’t even write any further thinking about a girl in a Mini. The keys on my keyboard start to swim in front of my eyes and it is no different from being drugged or smoking a truckload of weed.

I should become a Hindu so I can come back to earth 10,000 more times and date 10,000 girls in Minis forever and ever.

I have to stop immediately thinking about Minis. Suffice to say, write down her registration number because your life will be turned upside down.

PORSCHE:

You must look out for Boxters. Other Porsches are driven by men, but the girls driving Boxters are from heaven. She is on the wild side and knows how to work a gear stick which automatically means she knows what to do with rigid things that need attention.

RENAULT:

Drive past quickly and don’t look! They are all members of Rhema and read Revelations to their kids for bedtime stories.

Run for your life!

TOYOTA:

If you have any intentions dating any girl in a Toyota, take knife and dismember yourself because you will have no need for genitalia.

VOLKSWAGEN:

Very safe choice. Actually not bad at all. VW girls are the best balanced. Unlike Mini girls, a VW girl will give you the best of all worlds. They know how to drive you crazy but also know how to get you out of her bed and off to work. With Mini girls you never want to return to your office and you pray you die during intercourse so you can come back and be bad all over again.

VOLVO:

Don’t look. She will be fat and after 4 kids she looks like the car she drives. You know the cross bar across a Volvo grill which looks like sellotape stuck over a naughty child’s mouth? She is likely to have taped her private parts closed to match the grill of her car.

Any other make of car not mentioned here is driven either by men or not worth mentioning.

Now………………..once you have gotten hold of the registration number, you need a good buddy at the licence department. You pay him R100 and you get the address of your victim.

You buy 2 dozen Red Roses and send it to the girl without your name on it. Must be red roses. Other flowers might look as if a funeral wreath was delivered at the wrong address.

You wait two more days and then you get the security at her complex to go stick a single red rose under her windshield wiper.

You wait a few more days and preferably it must be a Friday night. You now buy another bunch of red roses and you go wait at the entrance of her complex until she arrives back from work. The sight of you on the bike with the red roses will make her your slave for life………………………….

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