How to choose the perfect Man…..for you

2012-09-10 12:51
Getting a PhD was always going to a mental challenge for me, as all of you know by now. With my IQ sitting very low down in my underpants, I had to dig deep to come up with a subject matter for my thesis.

But there was light at the end of the dark mental tunnel for me. I would start intensive research on what cars certain men buy. So before my research is submitted to the university, let me share my findings with you and help you find the perfect man… for you.

Download this article onto your I-Pad and when you are in the streets and you are looking for a man, then just refer to this guide for the single girl. I know all of you girls on here hate my guts, but you will still thank me one day for sharing this important information with you. This could mean the difference between a raging bull in your bed or a man on chronic erectile medication.

For ease of use the different manufacturers are listed alphabetically.

Alfa Romeo

Your search for the perfect man has ended!

You don’t even have to study the rest of this intellectual study. Like typical men, you too will forget you have a brain and celebrate your female bits.

He will whisk you away to a world you could only dream of. He will make you start collecting phallic sculptures.


Because Alfa men know how your body functions. He has the ability to look into your soul and unleash the wild girl in you.

If you had fantasies of becoming some man’s Goddess, this is your fastest way to your promised land. Pitch a tent in front of the Alfa dealership and go hunt the man you have dreamed about….Juliet would have found her Romeo with a Shaking Spear!

Aston Martin

Get to a DVD shop and rent a 007 Movie. Once you have watched the movie, forget about Aston Martins…forever.

Men who drive Astons are all into themselves and the Aston is like a placard he hangs around his neck about the size of his dingaling…and it might as well be a very small placard.

Thankfully the Aston comes standard with a vibrating device that pops out of the dashboard on the passenger side, just below the airbag cavity. So while he is racing around the streets like James Bond, you could make use of the electronic wizardry of the car and vibrate yourself into a stupor. 

Just because he drives what looks like a supercar, doesn’t mean he knows anything about cars. He would have bought a Ferrari if he knew anything about cars.

And Mrs. Moneypenny, his wife of 35 years, won’t like it when she hears about you.


Now you have to carefully distinguish which Audi and what you are looking for in life. Audis are cars that have very diverse applications. You will need to become an Audi expert because all Audis look the same.

The Audi designers used an age old Russian principal to design their range. The cars are like Russian nesting dolls. If you start with a big A8 you fit an A6 and then an A4 and an A3 into it like you would do with the nesting dolls. If all of them stand side by side they all look the same but differ in size. As I said like nesting dolls.

But strangely they are bought by different characters.


He is gay. Don’t look any further. You have the wrong plumbing.


He didn’t qualify for a lease on a BMW, so he had to settle for this midsized nesting doll. He will be slightly overweight and the building where the gym is situated isn’t bookmarked on his navigation system. MacDonalds is however. And he goes to church with his mother.


He works for the ANC in Lethuli House. Must I elaborate or do you get the picture?


He also works at Lethuli House, but his office is bigger and he has a PA who talks about Isidingo to her Gogo on the phone all day long. Lethuli House is a holiday resort. No work is done there.


He works at Cosatu House and fights for the rights of the poor but opposes Malema because he is jealous of all the media coverage Fatty is getting. So if you need to talk politics when you are in bed, this is your man, but be careful when he throws his hand up to scream Amandla. He could knock you unconscious.


They come standard with a very innovative testosterone monitor in the driver seat. Truly amazing what technology has achieved in this modern age. Within the instrument cluster is a gauge that would tell the driver what his testosterone level is and then a little lid lifts up electronically between the front seats and dispenses a Viagra pill and a small bottle of J&B.

So if lots of money and chemically induced erections are your thing, this is your man. Make sure you get all his kids out of his last will and testament because you will inherit the mansion and all his money. Ask the chef to see to any other natural needs and urges you may have.


Another chronic case of Russian nesting dolls!

1 Series:

Ignore completely. You will think it is a woman driving the little pretentious box, but it will be a transvestite in a Chanel dress and a Kate Middleton hat.

3 Series:

You will hear the soul stirring sounds of a Punjabi song coming through his sunroof.

If you have a love for Punjabi songs and wild curry dishes, stop the man and rip your sari off and wave it in the wind swaying your hips to the beat of the Punjabi song with some tears running down your cheeks. He will walk on hot coals for you!

5 Series:

Ignore. She is a Provincial MEC and the guy driving the car might be hot, but has no money.

7 Series:

They come standard with a dialysis machine in the rear. You could also order them with a portable pacemaker just in case you get heart palpitations at the Golf Club. Ask certain Shaiks and Police Chiefs who drive them and swear by them. Correction…..are driven in them by chauffeurs.


Pull of the road immediately if you don’t want to be shot at.


Don’t bother with Chevrolets. It is either some first year girl at university in her first little car or a rep for car oil.

BUT…….if you see a Lumina UTE, you jump out of your car, strip naked and throw yourself over his bonnet. You would have struck gold! You will be riding a wild horse and never look back. Every other man on earth will look like a pansy!

Now log onto the web and go look what a Lumina UTE looks like so you know when heaven has hit you.


If bling is your thing

And you can rap and sing

Then seduce the Chrysler man

All you can

But remember

Come this last September day

You will help pay

The instalment on the car

And bliss will be very far.


He teaches English at a high school and smokes stinky cigarettes. But if you can live with this, the reward will be he will make sure your pot plants get water and the cat litter is fresh.


My dear Girl, now you have to focus on what I am going to teach you about life.

The Christians believe Jesus will come back to earth on a cloud. I promise you all of that is just a big lie! When Jesus comes back, if he ever will, then he will arrive in a Ferrari. A red one……..and heaven will be your inheritance.

God holds the hand of the Ferrari designer and inspires every sculptured line and crease of the car’s body. If you have any doubts about the existence of a higher being that created us all, look no further. God is in every Ferrari.

The sound of the engine is like a heavenly choir with 500 Angels from heaven praising our life on earth.

A man who drives a Ferrari will take you to emotional heights you never thought possible.

Don’t read any further. Get out of your clothes and go run naked in the streets looking out for a Ferrari.


He works at Metrorail counting the teaspoons in the kitchen to make sure the fellow workers are not sneaking them into their Gucci handbags and driving off with them to Tembisa wearing their fake Chinese Gucci sunglasses.


Go buy a Torah and get to a Hebrew class. Don’t pull a face at me! Remember Jesus saves but Moses invests, so use your brain and start reading books back to front.


Ola ice creams makes a Magnum lolly called Death By Chocolate………eat a chocolate lolly.


You want to marry the Devil?

Land Rover

What can I say to you?

You haven’t lived until you have had a Land Rover man. From bush to Melrose Arch, he fits in everywhere. He will press you up against the bonnet in the bush and show you why Adam got a penis and hold the door open for you to enter first. This is all the man you will ever need.

So if you can’t find a Ferrari, then this is what you want and would be all you ever would need in a man.


If half way dead is your thing, then drag this creature back home, put him in a hot bath and get the battery of the Lexus, connect jumper cables to it, and shock the old goat back to life.


Zuma’s nephew and Toni Yengeni each has one……………..sigh!

Mercedes Benz

More Russian nesting dolls…….and they all belong to Wesbank or Stannic.

But if you have to bribe your way into a tender this is the fastest way to riches. A Mercedes badge is to Africa what the Star of David is to us Jews.


Are you looking for the ultimate man? Then get your bod into a gym and start eating Special K every day and do your kegel excersies.

Look at the shape of the Porsche and that should tell you what a Porsche man stands for.

Porsche men love puthy……..sorry I lisp a bit. This last sentence isn’t in my thesis. The Prof will burn my thesis and I will never be called Doctor Rosenberg.


He reads Revelations 14 to his kids for bedtime stories and prays after orgasm for forgiveness that he indulged in the pleasures of the flesh.

But if you can live with all the praying, at least you will know he will never come home drunk smelling of a cheap perfume with his zipper half way up.


He is saving up for a Lexus. Go read what I said about Lexus again and ask yourself if suicide isn’t a better option for you.

BUT…….if he has a Hilux bakkie, then the whole picture changes. Real rugged men with canoonas between their legs drive Hilux bakkies. They are honest men. Good men. Level headed guys. Nothing will go wrong for you with a man with a Hilux.


Check the engine and VIN numbers and make sure you are not getting into bed with a hijacker.

If it is a Golf GTi, then go buy a berka and a snorkel so you can get same fresh air.


Do you want to hear this or should I rather just say nothing?

Wait……let me rather warn you about the dangers of a man in a Volvo. I don’t want you to destroy your life and I could have prevented it.

They are all married, in the closet and only have intercourse when they want to fill the safety seats at the back of those wagons. So if having intercourse only twice in your life is enough for you, this is your man!

NEXT ON NEWS24X publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Inside News24

Traffic Alerts
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.