So you too have been a naughty boy like me and now she has thrown you out. Hmmm….not so nice to be single again, is it? You moved in with the skelm just to find out she also makes you pick your clothes up and put the toilet seat down……and she doesn’t like your kids, and now you wish you had rather kept your root of all evil in your pants? But ex wife has now turned into a witch from hell and there seems to be no hope for you… Don’t despair my sinning Brother. There is hope at the end of this dark tunnel. First you get that bod into the gym immediately. You are going to have to look like a Greek god for the next few months. Believe me this is vital. Once you have joined Virgin Active, just force yourself in there every morning. And please……don’t be nasty to other races while you’re working out. It isn’t the ANC’s fault that you have been consuming too much beer. Don’t be a stereotype and blame the government for everything. The next step is become your domestic worker’s closest friend. This is how you handle the sudden unexpected call you are making to your ex domestic worker: “ More Annah” “Hau Baas hoekom jy bel?” “Annah wil jy extra geld huistoe vat?” “Samblief Baas” “OK, nou luister mooi vir my. Jy moet my ‘n “please call me” gee soos jy sien die Miesies gaan saam met ‘n anner mans uit” “Eish Baas, hy gaan my fire” “Annah as sy jou fire, kom werk jy by my, maar eers moet jy my help om die Miesies terug te kry. Ek sal jou “one thou” gee elke maand as jy my help” “Es reg Baas. Ek sal jou help” I really love Annah. She is an amazing human being with lots of wisdom. Next thing is you call ADT, Coin or whoever is patrolling your streets and you bribe the security guards in the same manner. If you pay well they will park permanently in front the house you are still paying off. The added benefit to this is of course nothing will ever happen at your house because the guards are praying for a man to come along so they can get extra money. So it happens that I picked the kids up for the weekend and I must say the ex looked a bit guilty. Her body language told me something was cooking. As usual my gut feel didn’t let me down. The two “please call me’s” from Annah and the security patrol came almost simultaneously. Annah says: “ Baas anner ou man het die Miesies kom haal, hy ry so silver Macedies” “Ou man?” “Ja Baas hy is grys by die kop” I have the kids in the bath at that moment and I get them out and into their pyjamas immediately and we speed back to the house. Bugger this! I’m not going to stand some old goat come mess with my wife! Back home, I get the kids into bed and read lots of stories to them. Annah and the security guards each get a bonus for the weekend! After my two little replicas are asleep, I go lie on the spare bedroom’s bed and wait for this old man to bring “my wife” back from the date. Seething of course! Making murderous plans. Thinking of undertakers that will help me cremate this old pig! I figure if I bribe some undertaker in Soweto we will get rid of him quite easily. Better still….load him into his own “Macedies” and pour petrol over it! I must have dozed off when I suddenly hear laughter. I sit straight up and listen. Ex is all jolly and says to grys kop. “Do you want some coffee?” In his croaking old voice he says: “Please my Darling that would be wonderful” My Darling????? I’m also stupid. I should have armed myself with the bread knife, now I had no weapon to kill the old goat! I locked my gun away in the safe and never took the damn thing when I left, now I think about it. Cups and spoons tingle as she makes this geriatric some coffee. I hear the grandpa saying to her in his groggy voice: “Come sit here my Darling, it has been such a splendid evening having such a beautiful woman for dinner” (I think that word that starts with an F and ends with a K) Over my dead body is “my wife” going to sit next to this old man. They of course have no idea I’m in the house. My car is parked in the garage! I have heard enough and decide I need to take immediate action before he starts kissing her. I’ll show this old thing what he is up against. So I casually stroll into the lounge…….. She screams of fright and he jumps up having to hold on to the arm rest of the sofa. Can’t even jump up by himself! Needs support to get up, the bloody old thing! His face is red. He probably popped a few Viagras in the men’s room at the restaurant and now the blood is rushing furiously through all his clogged up old arteries thinking he is going get lucky with my wife! Ex is now hysterical! She screams at me, eyes full of hatred. “What are you doing here. Where are the kids?” I calmly lean against the door and say the kids are in bed asleep. They missed her and wanted to come home and of course she is out cavorting with old men when her kids are sobbing for her. Red faced goat storms past me and out the front door. Calmly I walk to the control box and open the gate for the old man. Don’t want him dying on us of shock. Then I really have to get rid of the body! Casually I say to the seething hysterical wife: “OK well seeing you are not interested in your kids, I’ll take them back to my place now”. I see her hand reaching for an ornament on a coffee table but duck out of the lounge and rush off to the kids’ beds and pretend as if I’m going to wake them. She storms after me to stop me and I tell her it is my weekend with the kids so I will then have to sleep at home. She shakes her head and walks towards our bedroom. Note our bedroom neh? So off I go to the kitchen and make my beloved Nescafe and her herbal Green Tea. She needs lots of antioxidants to drive out the toxins she is harbouring. She has left to cream that face in our bathroom. I told you in a previous article about this creaming escapade that goes on forever. I return to our bedroom with our toxic and anti-toxic drinks. I get undressed and go sit like a porno man kaalgat on our bed hoping the sight of my dingalong will stir up emotions long forgotten. Oh Boy! Big Mistake! When she saw me kaalgat on the bed, she got so furious, I could actually see the night cream melting! Her face went shiny like a chrome wheel on a newly rich previously disadvantaged 4x4! I quickly took my kaalgat down the passage and jumped into the bed in the spare bedroom. I ambushed three more dates very creatively by hiding in bushes once and taking her flowers while she was seated at a restaurant with another man……and then pulled out a chair asking him if he doesn’t think I have a beautiful wife. She eventually got the message and realised she is going to be saddled with the dog she vowed to honour till death and the dating thankfully stopped. It would only be a few months later that ex contacted me on the dating site. (Those that haven’t read about my dating site escapades must go read that article and then you will kill yourself laughing how stupid I really am!) I was chatting to my own wife on the dating site, but didn’t know it. She created a profile calling herself Kinky One and we had a hot thing going for months! Or so I thought, but she was actually checking that I didn’t expose the kids to other floozies. It is amazing how she always says how devious I am but she is the real conniving one! She seduced me to no end on that dating site. Like a typical Delilah she told me how hot I am and I am her dream man. So needless to say, what man will not have an ego overload when told stuff like that. So I couldn’t wait to meet this woman that thought I am the best thing since the cordless drill. So I am chatting to Kinky One on line, one Saturday night when the kids are with me. I tell Kinky One she mustn’t be offended if I suddenly have to stop our conversation. I have the kids with me and I have to be on standby in case my domestic worker calls me to tell me if my wife is going out on a date. Kinky One is highly amused when hearing this news. “You bribed your domestic worker to spy on your wife?” Kinky one asks. “Yes and the security guards, I’m not going to leave anything to chance” I say She tells me I play dirty and the domestic worker and security guards are traitors. I tell her, I don’t care but I’m not going to have another man sleep in my bed and do stuff to the mother of my kids! It is just too nauseating to even contemplate. Kinky One tells me she thinks I still love my wife and I tell her it will help me nothing because she hates me now. She is peacefully asleep tonight where I can see her and make sure she belongs to me forever! Now……if you want to go back home……never speak to women on dating sites unless you have established who the hell you are talking to. Bribe your way back home. Bribe the kids if you must…………it is for their own good to be on your side! Better still…save yourself all of this agony and keep your stuff in your pants. And watch Cheaters on E-TV if you are bored!