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The Last Contrarian
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I Know What I Saw! Part 1

13 April 2012, 15:20

Greetings comrades,

Due to my propensity to write articles that exceed 3000 words without even breaking a sweat—whilst thoroughly soaked (drunk), I might add—I’ve decided to not alienate people and drive down my view counts with another MONSTROUS essay. I will divide this article into three parts of roughly 2500 words each.

When I’m not roasting god over a spit or ridiculing his simpleton, bigoted, brainwashed, and plainly uneducated followers, I like to debunk pseudoscience and conspiracy theories that all have their own flock of nausea-inducing followers and believers. The similarity between those who firmly believe in the alien/conspiracies phenomenon and religion is astounding, and the followers of one belief could just as easily have been followers of the other because in the minds of both groups dwells the same inability to think critically, coupled with the ‘I WANT to believe in something bigger than me’ mentality. And if you want to believe, you do… simple as that.

We’ve all heard the dry old stories for decades, but I’ll give three examples just so we’re all on the same page.

[This is how I will denote and interjection on my part. These are the questions I’d ask or the thing’s I’d have said had I been conducting the interview]

Encounter of the FIRST kind:

Creepy voice: Fifteen years ago, Mary and Sam Wallis were out driving in the woods in Montana at 1AM in the morning when all of a sudden they witnessed something truly shocking! [Hey, why are you using excessively ‘emotionally charge’ and suspenseful language + William Shatners voice? Are you trying to provoke a subconscious fear in the audience (for heightened susceptibility to the message)?]

*Play phazer sounding music* [Stop the psychological conditioning with the language and special effects already!]

Mary: It was just a regular night, really. I still remember telling Sam at about 1AM that I felt tired and was going to take a nap before we reached our cabin in the woods. [Do you regularly pick up axe murderers while you’re out in the woods at that hour?]

*Swoosh sound effect, followed by freaky synthesizer notes* [I said stop it!]

Sam: It’s just like Mary said, there was nothing really out of the ordinary that night [Except for being out in the woods at 1AM in the morning!]. It was about another hour’s drive before we’d reach our cabin when all of a sudden the SUV’s instruments started going crazy [when last did you service that Chevy Suburban of yours?]. The lights were flashing and the tachometer [No redneck knows that’s what you call the ‘engine needle’!] was flailing about but the engine was completely dead.

Interviewer: What happened next?

Mary: Well, I remember Sam shaking me and telling me to wake up something is wrong [did his cigarette fall into his pants?]. When I opened my eyes, I saw a shiny metallic disk with a faint orange right in front of us in the sky.

Sam: It was just hanging there motionless and made no sound.

Interviewer: And what happened next?

Sam: After about a minute of just hanging there [you had time to count?], It shot off with incredible speed, and I knew it was finally gone when the engine started up again and the instruments settled down [or the marijuana finally wore off].

Interviewer: Were you frightened?

Mary: Not really, it seemed to happen so fast we didn’t have time to really feel scared [Emotionless recital—very convincing!].

Sam: No I wasn’t really scared, just dazed and somewhat in shock. Mary and I didn’t talk about it until the next day. [more important things to talk about, right?]

Close encounter of the SECOND kind:

Tim: It was just after sunset and I was out tending to my sheep [Helping them through the fence, right?] when I saw a bright light pulsating on the horizon. Soon I started seeing more than one light, all of them pulsing intermittently and I decided to go get into my truck and drive out there to see what it was.

As I got closer in my truck, the lights just suddenly pulsed more, dispersed rapidly, and then vanished [Teens scattering and switching off their torchlights perhaps?]. When I got to the area where the lights had been, I saw the grass flattened in what appeared to be a large circular shape. As I explored the area further, I noticed more circles, smaller ones around the big circle, and it made what appeared to be an image of sorts [It is either an Image or it’s not!].

Close encounter of the THIRD kind:

Timothy: I had just come back from church [ok, now I know what kind of person I’m dealing with] and I was really tired [or drunk, perhaps?] so I went to bed. It must have been some time before I felt my room spinning [That is the alcohol mother ship that has landed]. Next thing I know I feel this cold hand grab my leg and I shot up straight as a pole scared out of my wits [Redneck vocabulary is so… amusing]!

Interviewer: And then what happened?

Timothy: I was terrified and then in noticed Light that seemed as if it was shining straight through the roof and I could actually see the alien craft that was above my house [How do you know it’s not the government?].

Interviewer: Oh my god! And then what? [Don’t act surprised, you head this shit all the time]

Timothy: I could by now clearly see the alien that was holding my leg, It was about 7 feet tall and had grey skin, thin limbs, no ears, a slit for a mouth and two small nostrils. It also had very big, slanted black eyes. [Remarkable detail you observe whilst being scared SHITLESS!]

Interviewer: Were you abducted into the craft? [Hey, stop leading on the witness!]

Timothy: Yes.

Interviewer: Did they do any experiments on you? [Good question because that is what they do, right?]

Timothy: *Starts crying, and lowers his face into his palms and croaks out the following* Yes…. They were touching me and poking me with instruments. [Are you sure you went home after church?]

Interviewer: I know this is difficult for you, but can you describe the nature of what they were doing? Were they touching you in any specific places? [You sick bastard! Are you turned on by this?]

Timothy: They were touching my genitals and rubbed some sort of a gel on my, you know, arse. Then I passed out and woke up in my bed and realized four hours had passed. [Yes you were passed out you drunkard! And time flies when you’re drunk; I know, trust me.]

There we have the three main types of encounters with the generic corresponding story from the ‘witness(es)’. Please forgive my interruptions, but really, I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks of these questions and statements when I see these shows/documentaries.

With the foundation laid, we can now look at who’s to blame for these encounters: the supposed ‘big four’ alien groups that are responsible for these strange phenomena and what the so called ‘experts’ have to say about each group.

Alien Anthology (The four main races)

Specie: Common Greys

Location: Zeta Riticuli Cluster

Role: Abductors and experimenters. Small ones assist the large overseers.

Traits: Emotionless, almost robotic and highly intelligent.

Lesser-known ‘facts’: The large eyes are not the being’s actual eyes; these are stick-on lenses with enhancements to help them see in over 40 different energy spectrums. Apparently the 3 foot greys are artificial beings with AT intelligence made by the real organic greys.

Special abilities: Super strong (especially the big ones) and highly telepathic.

Diet: Apparently the four they have living at Area 51 eat vegetables and LOVE raspberry ice-cream.

Specie: Reptilians or Draconians

Location: This is a migrant group who fucked up their home planet and now want ours.

Role: To infiltrate our government and turn earth into a police state.

Traits: Extremely aggressive and hostile toward humans.

Role & Diet: To turn you and me into a nice meal.

Special abilities: Can resemble the US presidents and US politicians, especially the ones least liked by the general American populous.

Diet: You and me, but any meat will do. They are the so called cattle mutilators in Mexico too, often called the el Chupacabra  by the locals. They like the delicate organs and soft tissue (supposedly).

Lesser-known ‘facts’: According to some ‘alien experts’, these beings are not evil or out to eat you and me, they were the original super race that inhabited earth, then left, and are now back only to find that we evolved and took over the show.

Race: Homo Sapiens (referred to as ‘carriers’ by other species of aliens)

Location: Originally from Mars, but escapees of the cataclysm there resettled. Some of the settlers soon left for other planets (like the Atlanteans)

Role: Undetermined. Some human governments have aligned themselves with various alien groups, but humanity remains isolated and out of the loop when it comes to galactic matters.

Traits: Superstitious, religious, and largely stupid. The average human never reaches sufficient levels of intelligence to truly be called a sapient being. Exceptions to the rule exist, but in trace amounts. These exceptions are largely to thank for humanities slow, but steady intellectual growth and technological advances over the past 50,000 years.

Diet: Plant and animal matter from planet earth. An ancient tribe, the Israelites, were supposedly the first to eat alien food or Manna.

Lesser-known ‘facts’: Humans are not a self-evolved race of beings.  They were made and enhanced by the collaboration of several groups of extra-terrestrials to serve as genetic containers. Humans are continuously harvested, cloned, and genetically altered to keep the master races from suffering a genetic bottleneck and possibly dying out. Recently, the galactic federation passed a law that humans should be allowed to carve out their own fate and not be treated as livestock for the alien species that were instrumental in their creation. This lead to a revolt by the Greys and Draconians and almost caused a galactic war. Through some ‘loophole’ they maintain the right to harvest our genetic material provided they return us unharmed. Earth is now the center of the greatest upheaval in galactic history. [Yes, like it is the center of the greatest upheaval in CELESTIAL history. Even the angels in heaven turned on each other because of US! We are SOOOOO special; everyone just can’t take a breath without needing SOMETHING from US!]

Race: Nords (9 feet tall, red-haired, and closely resembling humans)

Location: Underground caves on earth and originally from a distant star cluster.

Role: Unknown, but they seem to cooperative with humans from time-to-time throughout our history.

Traits: Highly intelligent and tactical in their behaviour.

Lesser-known ‘facts’: Allegedly this is the Arian race Hitler was looking for and eventually found. They are said to have helped the Germans develop advanced flying craft and were reportedly seen piloting various aircraft during WW2 attacks on allied forces.

Congratulations! You are now at least 50% on your way to being able to call yourself a UFO and ALIEN expert. All you need now is to claim you worked for the government on a ‘secret’ project and you’re ready to be inculcated into the brotherhood.

I’ll finish off part one by saying this; it never fails to surprise me what nonsensical stories people can not only concoct, but believe simply by underpinning the following three words: government, secret, conspiracy.

In part two, I’ll start the debunking, but this piece should serve as a Launchpad to discovery for those who now want to know more about the ‘alien’ phenomenon.

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