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I am embracing Religion

23 July 2012, 09:13

After having been brainwashed on News24 by the likes of Charles Dumbwin, I have now decided to mend my bad ways and embrace religion. I’m going to purify my dirty thoughts, get my genitals under control and start a new life.

But, after careful consideration, I still couldn’t gather enough courage to embrace Christianity because the Virgin Birth will always freak me out. Life has to start with a Big Bang and Joseph was denied his Big Bang!

So I’m back at my roots of being a Jew, but this time around I’m going to be an Ultra Orthodox Jew.  Hasidic Jew.

Seeing all of you MyNews addicts now know all about Evolution, Big Bangs, Christianity and Atheism, it is time for me to teach you about my revived religious ways.

Don’t click out of the article……..I can just see you thinking this is going to be a boring lecture about my new life as a religious man. So before we start the teachings, let me explain something important to you. From now on you will not see me type out God in full. We Jews regard that as blasphemous and this is the way we type it.

G-d

OK? So from now in all replies to me, I want you lot of sinning monsters to respect my religion and spell G-d the way I must type it. Capish?

Firstly, Lauren and I have to hack out our kitchen. We now need two kitchens. One for milk products and another for everything that concerns meat and that doesn’t include anything of a pig. Pigs are dirty and we don’t eat them. We are not allowed to cut meat with the same knife we cut the cheese. We will die. Don’t ask me why. The Torah and Talmud say so and I don’t question anything written in there. I am now going to be like a Christian and just do as my Book tells me.

So tomorrow morning Lauren must go to Boardmans and buy us two sets of crockery and two sets of cutlery. The old stuff I’m going to display on our sidewalk and sell it to the people passing by. I won’t be donating anything to the poor, I’m a Jew.

We are not allowed to eat milk products out of a plate that we serve meat on. So we need two sets of everything. It is called Kosher Living. No more lasagne. That is totally unkosher because you are not allowed meat and cheese together. Don’t know how this happened. Maybe Moses couldn’t eat the cheese of the goat’s milk after he killed the goat.

Our new way of living will save us considerable amounts on clothing. Lauren must now wear long black skirts and hide her gorgeous legs from all of you sinning Christians. You can no longer lust after my wife. Black blouse that covers her arms and a scarf over her hair. She doesn’t need a hairdresser any longer. I will cut her hair from now on. Just snip off anything that shows under the edges of the scarf. Snip snip snip. No more L’Oreal hair colour for her either. Bye bye blonde, hier kom die vaal kat.

I am going to burn all my jeans and Calvin Klein underwear. I should never have worn those things anyway. It isn’t Kosher. Jockey Y front underpants is the new Calvin Klein.

From now on I wear wide black baggy trousers and a black jacket with a white shirt buttoned up to my neck. To round my outfit off I wear a black hat at all times. I also grow my beard now and grow a curl on the one side of my face. I put a woman’s curler in my little lock at night when I sleep so it is neatly curled in the morning.

Stop laughing. Religion is hard work!

This branch of Judaism is called The Hasidic or in Yiddish we refer to them as The Frum. Afrikaners will understand the word Frum because it is the German for “vroom”. For you Salt Peels, “vroom” means people of religious pretence. Something like that. My Afrikaans wife says it is not a good word in her mother tongue. She says it actually means “skynheilig”. So she is now going to be a skynheilige Kugel.

But the biggest adjustment for me will be selling my bike. I cannot travel on that bike with my black hat. The hat will blow off and crash helmets are not allowed.

Bye bye Bike!

Like a respectable Jew, I’ll now travel in an old car. Anybody on here that has an old Camry for me to buy? I won’t need a luxury car anymore because we have to walk to Shul (synagogue). Shul is a German/Yiddish word for school. We don’t call our place a synagogue when we talk to each other. OK? Have you got the terminology sorted?

The Talmud says we may not drive with any machine driven thing to Shul. We walk like Moses did. Some Jews are cheats and drive close up to Shul and then walk the last little bit so they can pretend to abide by the laws. I will not cheat! I love exercise and seeing I’m no longer allowed to lust and sweat at Virgin Active, I might as well walk to go worship in my thick rubber soled shoes.

The biggest adjustment is going to be the Kosher sex. Will all of you Christians please start praying for me? I’m serious! The Hindus and Muslims can also devote some prayer to me. First of all I may from now on not look at Lauren during intercourse. She needs to be covered with a sheet with a hole in it for me to stick my twilly through.

I can still live with the sheet but it is the prescribed frequency of sex that will drive me off the rails.

We will not be allowed any intimacy from the moment the red bus arrives in town till after the 7th day she is “clean”. 12 days! Half the month! The rest of the month is kind of OK because we are allowed to get the sheet out every second night. So if you do the maths on this, it adds up to only 6 times a month, some months 7. But no foreplay. Wham Bam Bunnies we are now.

The Rabbi says this frequency has the advantage of focussing me on my wife’s spiritual needs and the abstention leads to deepened sexual relationships. He says G-d said this somewhere in the Talmud. I will now study those things because I will keep myself busy with religious studies and pray my testicles don’t explode.

Can I please be evil for one last time before we burn the old clothes and sell crockery?

Imagine me with the curler hanging on the one side of my face to curl my Hasidic hair lock while Lauren is covered with the sheet…………………..I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. I don’t want you to get too many impure thoughts.

Now….Charles, do you think there is Internet connection in heaven? If you and I are going to spend eternity in that lush green garden, we can’t sit and do nothing. They will have to pack our laptops into our coffins so I can help you save humanity from eternal damnation.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

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