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Isn't it great to be South African

01 March 2013, 07:49

Been some week for South Africa, hasn’t it?

It started off well enough with the Proteas whipping the poor Pakistanis in 4 days enabling the team, our top batsmen and bowlers to further tighten their stranglehold on the top spots in the rankings.

Even the Kings, after being written off as no-hopers by some – me included – managed to win their first game.

If I was a betting man I would’ve asked for a stewards’ inquiry but then maybe I’m just a cynic.

Then, for no apparent reason and with everything going swimmingly, things tailed off somewhat and the murky, dark and mysterious internal workings of the country came to the fore.

First we have Lulu Xingwala really spilling the beans on our Afrikaans males, to the Aussies nogal. This must really have surprised them, the Aussies being renowned lovers, very patient and caring husbands and so frightfully backwards in coming forwards at the best of times. Ask Shane Warne if you don’t believe me.

Wish I’d seen the look on the TV crew’s faces – “Hell cobber, what’s she on about. Obviously never seen how we handle our Sheilas’ back home, has she?”

You know the Aussies – sheep first, then kids, then dogs and then the missus – but when shown back home in Aussie the interview should give them all a couple of good laughs anyhow, especially the wives and sheep.

Perhaps just a creative, if misguided, tourism initiative by Lulu, but then the workings of an MP’s mind are not for us mere mortals to question.

Whilst riding the crest of the wave this excuse for a minister, a really poor excuse as well, then manages to get chased out of Parliament - must be something of a record that, even for an inept ANC minister - because in spite of really trying hard, she hadn’t managed to do her homework.

Makes one wonder what she really does, or even what she’s supposed to do, with her department being something of a misnomer when all we have around us are rapes, abused women and children and Neanderthals wielding cricket bats and rugby balls.

Maybe if she’d not got so involved in telling the departments of justice and police how to handle Oscar’s bail hearing and spent less time redecorating she may have been able to complete her report, who knows?

Whilst on the subject of our merry man Jeff Radebe, and his reliable, honest and hardworking cops – and robbers – I do wonder how his naming and shaming campaign is going. The goings on this week must have had him re-writing his draught a couple of times already in just 4 days.

The fact that a couple of his bully boys then managed – in one episode only – to totally dismantle any image the SAPS have so carefully been attempting to craft must have had him sitting outside eating worms.

Poor man, what’s a minister to do when the boneheads can’t tell the difference between an armed criminal and a taxi driver, a Mozambican one at that. Maybe he should revert to showing them pictures, or enrol them in a PR course.

Maybe even better, he should ask his commissioner – Her Royal Highness RiahPhiyega - what she’s actually doing, when not buffing her nails, redecorating her office and generally amusing herself.

He may be surprised at the result, if of course she’s available to respond, as like all high ranking cadres, she obviously has other important matters to attend to.

Thankfully Pravin Gorhan didn’t let us down and instead presented a budget that neither asks questions nor gives any answers. Obviously an election coming so he wisely decided to rather not rock the Titanic lest it springs a leak and we discover that last years’ budget didn’t cover repairs, or materials, or training, or insurance.

Mind you, he doesn’t seem to have taken that into account this year either which can only mean one of two things. Either he’s not expecting any kind of downturn, or leaks, or he has a convenient little slush fund for such eventualities. Just hope Nkandla’s bill doesn’t escalate too much in that case as he could then find himself out of pocket.

This of course brings us back to good old Eishkom, the princes of darkness.

They got their 8% increase, per year for the next 5, which will just about double the price of the commodity only they can supply – and often do – by 2017. Strange that they now say they’ll make do with that – and keep the lights on – when they wanted 16%.

Was the other 8% for bonuses, Brian Dames’ golden handshake, new cars, new furniture or maybe they were just covering their bets? A lot of that going on at the moment – bonuses, golden handshakes, new cars, redecorated offices and covering of bets.

I’ll bet it wasn’t for new power stations which may well have been a really good bet as by the time Medupi comes on-line we’ll probably be back in the Middle Ages, the dark middle ages at that.

To cap it all then, making this an absolutely phenomenal week for South Africa, we get Oscar appearing on the cover of Time magazine for all the wrong reasons.

I bet Jacob’s less than pleased with that after trying so hard, for so many years, to get himself headlined with multiple marriages - whilst still married – cunningly becoming Prez to avoid corruption charges and even building himself a replica Camp David.

What does a man have to do to get noticed these days?

If I was him I would fire Mac “the mouth” and hire a real marketing company, like the one Oscar has.

All said and done then, it’s been a tremendous week for SA Incorporated with only a couple of really stupid people needed to take us from being a point of interest – a destination of choice – to again the laughing stock of the world, and also a place where even the Pope-Mobile wouldn’t safeguard you from getting mugged, raped or murdered.

Perhaps we should rename the place Azania, change our flag and anthem – maybe have one of those rap ones to place us well and truly in Africa – and start again. At least then the rest of the world wouldn’t be surprised – or horrified – when they read of our doings. They may even send us some foreign aid.

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