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Just Fat

29 May 2014, 14:40

There is this radio advert at the moment that makes me want to drive my car into a wall in utter dismay every time I hear it.  It starts off asking the listener if their waist size is greater than 102 cm and then goes on to say that if it is, it is likely that they are simply insulin resistant and this is why they can’t lose weight. Luckily, the advert continues; there is a pill for that now.

Bollocks! If your waist is greater than 102cm it is likely that you are fat and either eat too much, exercise too little or more than likely are guilty of a combination of both sins.

Ok so now that I have offended at least half of you and have the other half smirking with delight let me tell you at this point that I am a recovering porker so I can say this stuff and although you might not like what you read you can’t really do anything about it as I hold the high ground here. It’s true, I know all about FAT. Certainly enough to know that when I was a fully-fledged member of Club Chunky it was never because I was “just fat” but instead because I ate (and drank) more than I needed to in order to perform the physical demands of my day. Oh and while I’m at it, neither was it because I was an emotional eater, nope just a greedy one. So no psychological nor physiological underlying anything. Just fat because of my actions or more correctly lack thereof.  That whole “I eat to make me feel less unhappy” thing actually also grinds my gears come to think of it. Snap out of it! Roll your fat rear end off that sofa, turn Channel Oscar off for 20 minutes and go for a waddle around the block. Sure you won’t look great doing it but if you don’t you will never look great doing anything. Besides, I put money on the fact that when you get back from your waddle you will feel happier for it. Not a runner you say? Crap! I used that one too, as it happens I can run, I think all able bodied humans can. This human was just plain lazy for most of his life much like you I suspect.

Thankfully I’m not that fat anymore and guess what the hardest part of getting thinner was? Not getting up at 4am to go to gym 5 days a week or doing without nice treats to eat and booze to help me socialise with other fatty’s. No it was getting my head around the fact that I had to take responsibility for what I had done to myself. I had to admit I was fat because of me. Only then could I stop researching the hundreds of wonder supplements out there that would counter my self-diagnosed genetic disorder or study the 100’s of training methods that would suit my body type. No, my body type was type F for fat and it was that way because of me. If my metabolism was slow it was because I had wrecked it with my food choices not because I was born with a slow metabolism.  Have you heard the saying “paralysis by analysis”? Well, it is a bloody great way to sum up my old exercise regime. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I know more about exercise and nutrition than most competitive bodybuilders and personal trainers. But why didn’t I look like them I used to ask myself. It must be my crap genetics…No! It was because I wasn’t “doing”, I was too busy researching, looking for that wonder routine or thermogenic supplement that was going to make me ripped without blowing up my heart in the process.

As I see it the biggest enemy of a fat person lies in their eagerness to blame anything but themselves for the state of their body. This takes the power away from them to be a part of the solution. It is just the path of least resistance and if you are fat then chances are that this is the path you tread the most. You see if there is anything fat people share, any common denominator, it is not a faulty thyroid gland or poor genetics but rather a strong inclination for laziness. Laziness makes you fat and then keeps you fat.  Much like heroine makes an addict broke and keeps them that way until they finally end up in a forever box, this path of least resistance also leads to death. Yes death, I’m not over dramtising this look at the stats…

So this is what I suggest you do fatty, look at the positive message within this piece. Not only are you responsible for being a “Porker” but you and as it happens only you have the ability to sort it out. It won’t be easy and you will want to give up in the beginning but when you do think these words, would I rather be in a little discomfort   (ok a lot of discomfort) now or dead sometime soon? At least sometime sooner than you should have kicked the bucket with those poor overloaded flabby legs of yours.

Ok so I’ll leave you to think about this for a while and when you have stopped crying and the resentment you feel for me has subsided (at least a little) come back and follow my miracle weight loss and life extending program below as if your life depends on it. Mostly because it does and secondly because I know a lot of fat people are clever (lazy people often are) and goodness knows the World can’t afford to lose any clever people. Not pre-maturely anyway.

Shaun’s Life Extending Miracle Fat Loss Plan

1. Take a photo of yourself wearing as little as possible. Print this image and keep it in a safe place. The fridge door is a safe place.

2. Get up early and go to and do something that makes you sweat and feel uncomfortable for 30- 45mins at least 4 days a week. As you become fitter try harder to feel more uncomfortable and sweat more.

3. Stop eating processed food (especially refined carbohydrates: white bread, pasta and plain white rice) and eat more real food (including complex carbs, sweet potato, brown rice, oats..)

4.  Eat a fist size portion of Protein at every meal, Eggs, Fish, Chicken and Lean Meat. Not a Kobus Wiese sized fist either (remember I know how you think!).

5. Be sure to eat less of the above more often. Try aim to eat every 3 hours that you are awake as this will speed up that sluggish metabolism of yours.

6. Stop adding sugar to everything, ditto ketchup which is pretty much the same thing.

7. Ditch the flavoured coldrinks and instead drink lots and lots of water. Not so much that you drown but enough to make people wonder why you are away from your desk so much during the day.

8. Schedule a time once a week to forget the above and enjoy a cheat meal. Yes, get a Pizza, a Bunny Chow, Burger or anything you want. Just the one though and only if you have not deviated from the plan during the run up to cheat day.

9. Now, and this is important after 12 weeks of dedicated effort take another photo of yourself, look at the difference and promise yourself you will never be “just fat again”.

10. Buy yourself new clothes that actually fit your new shape, introduce some moderation into your life and maintain the new body you have earned.

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