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Irukandji
 
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Russian style footsie-footsie

08 June 2014, 10:50
Sometimes you read a story in the news that is so bizarre, so weird, you don’t know if you should laugh or cry. Like this one:

According to the Daily Mail’s, Mail Online, a Russian cannibal was freed from court, despite the fact that he admitted to eating his fisherman friend. The distraught wife, Olga Korochkin, says all she has left of her husband, Andrei Kurochkin, is his foot, one finger, and the back of his skull with some hair.

To any normal person in the world, this would be a horror story. But most South Africans (where gruesome stories have become the daily fare) would probably find this story slightly amusing. (OK, Sakkie, I’m speaking for myself. At least I’m being honest here.)

Fishermen Andrei Kurochkin was eaten by his close friends, Alexei Gorulenko and Alexander Addullaev, when they got lost for months during a fishing expedition in frozen Siberia.

Note: I’ve also been on some pretty rough weekend fishing-trips with the guys. But I’ll tell you something: we always came back home on the Sunday night. ALL of us. We never ran out of food or liquid provisions. We never looked at each other with hungry eyes. And something else: Joe, as well as Mark, would have put up one hell of a fight, if I ever tried to lay as much as a single tooth upon either of them!

Gorulenko walked free from court despite confessing to the jury that he wasn’t even hungry when he ate his friend, Kurochkin.

“I ate him, because I liked him,” he said in a statement to the police. “He was a very nice man. And tender, to boot.”

Forensic examinations of the recovered body showed that sections of flesh had been carefully sliced away while joints had been butchered. The court heard how Alexei Gorulenko and Alexander Addullaev carried the remains of the body with them as they sought to escape their frozen hell.

Olga Korochkin said: “Can you imagine what I have left of Andrei? Just one foot with toes, one finger, and the back of his skull with some hair. That’s it. Having just these remains, how can I say goodbye to him? I have got almost nothing to cry over.”

“The day they left on their damn fishing expedition,” she continued, “I told him that if he came home late again, he would not set one foot into our house. And I was right, as usual.”

“But did he listen to me? No. He never listens to me. He just got into Alexei Gorulenko’s Jeep, gave me the finger, and off they went. Now he’s given me the finger again. The bastard!”

“And just look at his hair!” she pointed to the remains of the skull. “I bet he hasn’t washed it in two months. The pig!”

Clearly there wasn’t much love lost between the deceased and his wife.

She added: “And you know what? They didn’t even catch a single fish between the whole lot of them. Bloody useless bunch of ne’er do wells, if you ask me!”

*(Strange people, these Russians.)*

PS

You can contact Alexei Gorulenko on his cell number: 10810

PPS

A fourth man, who was also a member of the fishing expedition, Vladimir “Hors d’Oeuvres” Komarov, remains missing.

PPPS

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story
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