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Talking Problems

15 February 2012, 16:30

If problems could talk, what would they say? Bizarre as it may seem, we as mankind have the answers.


Racism: Which one of you so called geniuses summoned this reunion?  We clearly see each other everyday.

Education: As a genius, I can ascertain that the primary purpose of the following reunion is to welcome a new recruit to the firm. Racism, pardon my interrogative utterance, but why are you always dressed in grey attire?

Racism: I hate other colours; if I wanted rainbow pants I would’ve joined the circus or parliament.

Stereotype: Oh god! I hope our new recruit is not black; we may just see informal settlements being erected outside our firm...Or endless strikes.

Drugs: Are coloured people allowed to join the firm? I know a lot of people In the Western Cape.

Stereotype: We don’t want any informal settlements or a bunch of toothless drunks in our firm and in any case what makes you so sure that you can manipulate this gingivitis race into joining our firm. 

Drugs: They are addicted to every word I say, the Western Cape would be a mere shadow lost in the pigmentation of the night, without me.

Prejudice: Oh please Drugs! What medication are you on or what the hell are you smoking, clearly neither you not Patricia De Lille nor alcohol; the only two factors capable of controlling the Western Cape.

Stereotype: Drugs, how does it feel to have a taste of your own medicine?

Drugs: Prejudice who are you to Judge me?

Police Brutality: Don’t worry Drugs; I am on your side. The gloves are off...together we can beat the odds.

Education:  Police Brutality, haven’t you heard of restraint, put your gloves back on. The secondary purpose of the reunion is to discuss what we all got up to during the festive season. The ramifications of unprovoked violence will prove detrimental to our firm, people let us try and reach consensus on the matter at hand.

Unemployment: Ok Education you Oxford blabber mouth, you a rich one to talk. It never ceases to amaze me how you masquerading behind verbosity when it’s quite evident that your reputation is in tatters.

Crime: Hey Unemployment, why don’t you ask Education to give you a blow job.

Unemployment: Crime, go to hell!

Crime: Why you stating the obvious Unemployment. But I don’t blame you, you unemployed so it’s hard for you to make sense...pardon me...cents.

Unemployment: Crime, go play in traffic.

Crime: Been there, done that...and got the cars.

Apartheid: We need more white people in our firm.

Farm Killer: Not on my most of them moved to England and Australia to start apartheid there. Apartheid you the only white person in our firm, but sadly we going to replace you with an albino, you might as well start booking a ticket too, because now your existence in this firm is history...excuse the pun.

Apartheid: Why are you replacing me with an Albino?

Farm Killer: Because the Albino looks white but in actual fact his black. So firing you won’t seem racist.

E-Toll: Guys why wasn’t I invited to this reunion! Oh! I see...So the dormant, beast of hatred is finally coming out of hibernation to show its true undomesticated nature. If you guys have a problem with me you can say so.

Immigration: Who invited this Jerk? His gambling addiction is costing the firm millions.

E-Toll: Immigration we all know that you jumped the border, but do yourself a favour by not exacerbating the situation, by also jumping to conclusion.

Terrorism: Let us not blow things out of proportion E-Toll; lately you have been bombarding the firm with gambling debts. You gambled without our consultation and you expect us to pay R200m that you owe in gambling debts...Well blow me’s not gonna happen.

Education: E-Toll you failed to give proper and prior consultation to the firm about the gamble you took, so you are own your own.

Abortion: E-Toll, life is a gamble and you were dealt with a bad hand.

E-Toll: Abortion, get a life!

Abortion: Funny that you mentioned it, I actually did.

Crime: E-Toll, didn’t you know? Abortion is facing several charges of murder and worst of all the victims are all minors.

Education: Abortion such statements are self incriminating evidence.

Judicial System: A life sentence of free DSTV, a free bed, free medical aid, education, plus food and shelter! Hell abortion! You hit the lottery, South African prisons are like five star hotels...accuse my baseless assumption...they are five star hotels. But do not despair if you receive a lengthy sentence, I have connections within the parole board. If that fails just click your heels three times and say shaiktitis and we will be play a game of golf sooner than you think.

Rape: Abortion, under no condition should you accept Vaseline from strangers during you incarceration...Watch your back...literally!

Education: Back to the matter at what did you guys get up to during the festive holidays?

Racism: I spent my days making fun of a bunch of Black people, I also called Whites racists and said that coloureds are drunks and also assumed that Indians are likely to create a Bollywood porn movie with numerous monotonous, dance choreography in 98% of the film.

 Polygamy: I spent time with the president...and his wives.

Corruption: Polygamy as renowned as our firm is, I still find it highly unlikely that you spent time with the president!

Polygamy: Just because you are related to him, doesn’t mean that you are the only one who is privileged to visit the president.

Cadre Deployment: Enough of these nonsensical shenanigans! I want to know about the new recruit. I hope he qualifies for the new vacancy.

Unemployment: Cadre Deployment you the last one to talk about qualifications.

Cadre Deployment: Unemployment what are you implying?  I never acquired this job merely on the basis of friendship.

Unemployment: Pardon my inaccuracy... I guess your primary school qualification makes you more than qualified for this position. I’m sorry, I have a tertiary qualification but who am I to dare and compete with a man of your educational calibre.

Cadre Deployment: Sarcasm aside, who is the new recruit?

Stereotype: Apparently his name is Democracy...sounds like a foreign name...Because I have never heard of democracy in South Africa.

Prejudice:  Hey! Let us not be judgemental, let the new recruit speak for himself.

Democracy:  Hi my name is democracy...and yes, I am South African.

Crime: This is the first time I see and have heard about you; anyways do you know what this job entails?

Democracy:  Yes, but what I fail to understand is why you people do the job you do. Who started this firm?

Rape: Mankind created this business; Earth became the perfect niche market for hatred, blasphemy, racism, violence and other atrocities. This became the realm where all the problems of the world could manifest their true nature through humanity…bizarre as it may seem; a mouth is this most powerful weapon…it initiated wars, segregation, political unrest and all other problems plaguing mankind…this is a booming market…we had to capitalize on man’s flaw.

Democracy:  But why do you exacerbate such shenanigans by promoting it through your business? Isn’t there a more prudent way to make money without causing harm?

Education: What you fail to fathom is that if mankind censor themselves or think rationally before they act, our business would merely be a mirage. See every time humanity speaks negativity of each other or commit heinous crimes, they are basically marketing our lucrative business without even knowing…another advantage is that we don’t have to pay taxes. As long as there are ignorant, insensitive and sadistic humans…the core of our business will continue to exist.

 Democracy: Gentlemen I’m afraid that I am here under false pretence; I cannot accept the new position. What I really wanted to know is why you make a living off the misery of others?

Crime: If you not with the firm…than you are as good as dead.  Guys let’s kill him now, before he reveals secrets of the firm.

Education: There is no use in killing Democracy, his dying already. I did a background check; he comes from a broken home, a home engulfed by domestic violence and other problems…worst of all he has shaiktitis; a terminal disease…there is no hope for Democracy.


If problems could talk, what would they say? Bizarre as it may seem, we as mankind have the answers.

If we as humanity took the time to censor or filter our speech and think rationally before acting on negative thoughts, we wouldn’t find ourselves contemplating about this question.

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