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Thomas Hill Jr.
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The Top 100 Things South African’s Probably Won’t See In Their Lifetime

16 October 2015, 08:47

Let’s be honest being a South African is great. We have a capacity for hope that’s unmatched by other nations. Sometimes though, it is necessary to step back and view our predicament in order to realise that most of the things we hope for probably won’t happen in our lifetime.

I say “probably” as with anything, all the entries (listed in no specific order) are open to falsification, or still, we might see the things we hope for materialise and most likely when we expect it. Heck, just ask the last guy who won the National Lottery. With this in mind I present to you the top 100 things South African’s Probably won’t see in their lifetime:

1. The Proteas winning the ICC Cricket World Cup.

2. A white ANC leader/black VF leader.

3. An end to load shedding.

4. A new AND funny Leon Schuster movie.

5. Victor Matfield retiring from rugby.

6. John Robbie having nothing to add/comment/say about a topic.

7. The abolishment of mini-bus taxis.

8. The end of “Noot vir Noot”.

9. The Rand being as strong/stronger than the US Dollar.

10. Oscar Pistorius owning up to what he did.

11. An end to comparing present day South Africa to apartheid South Africa.

12. Unfunny Nando’s ads.

13. Naas Botha and Pres. Jacob Zuma becoming fluent in English.

14. The final issues of Drum, You or Huisgenoot.

15. The missing ‘Kruger-millions”.

16. A full list of expenditures of all the improvements made to Nkandla.

17. A day without another case of rape.

18. The EFF not having a reason to protest.

19. South Africa engaged in active warfare, which means…

20. Everything we got from that armsdeal was taxpayers money wasted.

21. Koi-Koi becoming an official language.

22. Two-tone shirts (as commonly worn by farmers) becoming high fashion.

23. The EP Kings winning a Super Rugby tournament.

24. Kobus Wiese saying “no” to a donut.

25. The renaming of Table Mountain (let’s hope).

26. Braais without beer and boerewors.

27. The police arriving at your house faster than pizza does.

28. Soccer mom’s parking their massive SUVs wherever they want.

29. An ANC member who can recite the freedom charter from memory.

30. A steep reduction in ‘sin tax’ (it’s really hurting us all, the tax more than the cigarettes).

31. Developers saying “Hey, I think we’ve built enough malls now”.

32. Bokdrol spoeg becoming an olympic sport.

33. The discontinuation of BEE (no matter how contradictory it becomes).

34. Schalk Burger passing the ball.

35. The legalisation of marijuana (sorry would-be-white-rastafarian-dreadlocked-capetonians).

36. A Wimpy preparing your eggs exactly liked you asked for them.

37. Our Zimbabwean counterparts oust Robert Mugabe, ala Egyptian-style, which means…

38. Mugabe appearing in the Hague to atone for his crimes.

39. Riaan Cruywagen without his wig on (as a nation I don’t think we’re ready).

40. The final season of Idols (every time we hear tell that “this is the one”, yet a year later…”).

41. The SABC producing a good series again (note: not soapie).

42. A stretch of road without potholes (we’re probably the only country with a traffic sign warning of potholes, here’s an idea, take the money and labor used to put the signs up to… I don’t know, fix the potholes maybe?).

43. An end to the renaming of streets (there’s always some freedom fighter’s grandmother’s brother’s son-in-law’s dog we forgot to name one after).

44. Actual life-sentences beng served for murder.

45. Better gun control (to legally own a gun is an arduous and expensive process, meanwhile every would-be hijacker seems to get his hands on an AK-47 like its nothing).

46. The establishment of Average White South African Male Celebration day, everyone (and everything) else has a dedicated day and/holiday.

47. Train-surfing becoming a recognised sport and being broadcasted.

48. A traffic crossing without hawkers, beggars and dancers.

49. Contractors employed by the government taking responsibility for anything.

50. The current Dalai Lama visiting South Africa (Sorry Archbp. Tutu).

51. Public healthcare services conforming to any kind of standard.

52. The Beeld not having to rely on sensationalist article headings to sell their paper.

53. Julius Malema filling out his annual SARS income tax form.

54. Politicians buying reasonably priced cars, which would mean…

55. Reasonable salaries for politicians (what are we paying them for, really?).

56. A Durbanite who’s welcoming of tourists.

57. South Africans reaching a consensus on what a traffic circle means.

58. An orchestra with a Vuvuzela section.

59. Reasonable queuing times at Departments of Home Affairs, which would mean…

60. A Department of Home Affairs with queues that make sense (why does the ID/Passport collection desk need three different queues?).

61. A reason to visit the Northern Cape for longer than a day (so the kids can see the hole).

62. A medical scheme which isn’t just another medical aid scam.

63. Your OUTbonus.

64. Nathaniël realising the irony of how much he loves Checkers’ Wors.

65. Stricter border control, which means,

66. [Even more] illegal immigrants, which in turn means,

67. [Less] jobs for a growing South African populous, which would lead to,

68. [An increase] in Xenophobic related violence and unrest.

69. Reliable and efficient public transport.

70. The Lions replicating their Currie Cup success in Super Rugby.

71. SABS Miller admitting, Lion Lager, Castle Lager and Black Label are all exactly the same except for their names.

72. Woolworths listing the prices of their food products and the over designed packaging it comes in separately.

73. An end to flavoured beer (coming soon from SABS, beer flavoured beer!).

74. Microsoft Word’s Spellchecker’s English (South Africa), reflecting our vernacular accurately, because it isn’t lekker to type out your grans koeksister recipe if all Word wants to do is is correct you bru.

75. Instead of 11 official languages, why not have one official language (English) and 10 recognised languages (at least them we all would know what NUMSA members are so angry about when they strike).

76. Super talented Pieter Toerien bringing some of the great old and local plays to a theater near you, e.g. Boesman and Lena.

77. A Carte Blanche episode which is watchable beginning to end.

78. The Karoo getting a mini Las Vegas (the surroundings are correct and nothing else his happening there now that Shell won’t be fracking and creating tons of jobs there anymore).

79. South Africa’s status quo, demanding the the “Cullinan Diamond” be returned.

80. A home brewed movie which gains international acclaim but doesn’t portray South Africa as a squalid pile of [sic] (Tsotsi 2005) or a dystopian pile of [sic] (District 9 2009).

81. All CBD’s (not just Cape Town’s) becoming more than crime addled hell holes.

82. The closing of all Spur restaurants (we are a nation of ’Spur people’ after all.

83. Barry (“Cousin”) Hilton doing a standup show which isn’t drier than his jokes on the Savannah ads.

84. A Bafana Bafana coach who actually achieves something or doesn’t quit within a year after landing the job.

85. South African bikers realising sharing the road with South African taxis is suicide.

86. Trevor Noah anywhere near Soweto ever again.

87. A newspaper which only reports on good news instead of being doom and gloom front to back.

88. An explanation as to how global warming makes winter colder.

89. Our Universities enjoying the international recognition they once had.

90. Patricia Lewis giving up on becoming super famous, her music career failed, her music reality show failed, her plain reality show failed and now she’s selling, get this, exercise videos.

91. A Metro Police officer who won’t accept a bribe.

92. An end to tribal chiefdom and/or royalty having any political sway.

93. The actual realisation of the Rainbow Nation as envisioned by Madiba.

94. Lego, which is just Lego (i.e. doesn’t move, require batteries, comes preassembled).

95. The upgrade of any major highway ever again (after Sanral’s e-toll woes I think it’s a case of once bitten, twice shy).

96. Less rights for convicted criminals (they should be allowed to vote, that’s it).

97. Die Stem being removed from the national anthem (don’t lie Mr. Malema we all know its your favourite part too).

98. Ryk Neethling appearing in an ad campaign with a shirt on (I’m seriously starting to wonder if he owns any shirts).

99. Fast food take-away patrons abandoning the 20-car ‘drive-thru’ queue to walk 5 meters to the tellers inside with no queues.

100. A Cash Crusaders offering more the R50 for anything.

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