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Tyronehster
 
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Winter in the Ozarks

18 January 2013, 12:55

It wus as cold as a witch’s teat down in the holler, an’ Abner an’ Buford wus jes’ moseyin’ along, tryin’ t’ keep warm. The trees wus mos’ly bare an' the sun that come through the leaves seemed t’ make a body colder, if anythin’. Now it wusn’t like there wus snow or nuthin’, cause it don’ often snow up there, but it shore wus cold!

All of a sudden like, Abner sniffed the air, like a huntin’ dawg. ‘Buford, did you sheeit in yore britches?’

Buford looked at him with them big eyes  an’ said, ‘You crazy? How ol’ ya think I am?’

Abner shook his haid. ‘I dunno, but it’s awfu’ smelly roun’ here!’

‘What in tarnation you thankin’ ‘bout, Abner? Course it’s stankin’: they’s a big ol’ pig pen jes’ over the rise!’ Buford shook his haid, mutterin’ to hisself.

‘Sorry ‘bout thet, Buford,’ said Abner, all shamefaced.

‘Don’ be frettin’ ‘bout it,’ said Buford. ‘Anybody kin make a mistake.’ He wus real generous thet way.

A little while later, Abner said agin, ‘Lordy me, thet pigpen shore stanks sumpin awfu’. I kin still smell it.’ He looked at Buford agin. ‘You shore it warn’t you?’

‘I jes’ tol’ you it wusn’t! said Buford, gittin’ mad now.

‘Yeah, I’m sorry, but thet’s a real evil smell there.’

Buford jes’ rolled his big ol’ eyes and sighed, real patient like, an’ they carried on walkin’ a mite, then Anber said. ‘Buford, I don’ care whut you said: thet smell cain’t be comin’ fum no pigpen. The winds blowin’ in our faces, an’ thet pigpens’ a long way back. I know you sheeit in yore britches!’

‘I tol’ you I din’!’ said Buford, real angry now.

‘Prove it,’ said Abner. ‘Pull off your britches an’ lemme see!’

Buford shook his haid an’ sighed. He wus gittin mad now, but he wunted t’ keep the peace, so he dropped his britches, an’ there wus this fat ol’ dawg in his britches. Abner looked at him, disbelievin’ the whole danged thang.

‘You dirty liar. You done tol’ me you din’ sheeit in yore britches! Whut in tarnation’s thet?’

Buford looked all injured, like a puppy dog. ‘I ain’t lyin’. I thought y’ meant t’day!’

Well, he wen’ off an’ cleaned up his britches an when came back, he smelt more like hisself again. But Abner wus walkin’ a good few yards away fum him. He wus mad on account a bein’ lied to.

A little while along, Hiram come up fum the other path and said, ‘Min’ ifn I join you boys?’

Now Hiram, he had hisself a college eddication, an he could see, shore nuff, sumpin wusn’t right wi’ these two, so when he asked them and they tol’ him, why he laughed until even his nose wus runnin’ and then they started t’ see the funny side o’ things and started laughin’ as well

Then Abner, he a’ways had t’ be the center of ‘ttention, he said, ‘Did I ever tell y’all whut happened t’ Bubba up in Memphis?’

Buford wus so glad that Abner wus talking t’ him agin, he shook his haid like a little puppy dog, and Hiram, he said, ‘No, I cain’t say, cause I do’ rightly know whut incident y’all talkin’ ‘bout.’

‘Bubba, he wus washin that there big ol’ truck o’ his, when Butch come walkin’ ‘long with a box under his arm. Now Bubba ain’t one f’ mindin’ his own business, an’ he said t’ him. “Whut y’all got in thet box?”

“Horsefly,” said Butch. He ain’t much one fer jawin’

“Now whut in tarnation y’all doin’ with a horsefly?” asked Bubba.

“Gunna take it down t’ th’ market ‘n trade it fer a horse.”

‘Bubba, he jes' shook his haid at thet craziness an’ carried on washin’ thet truck, when Butch come back, leadin’ a horse. Well, I kin tell you, Bubba wus plumb amazed.’

‘Bout a week later, he seen Butch with ‘nother box under his arm an’ said, “Whut you got in thet box?”

“Bullfrog,” said Butch.’

“An’ I s’ppose y’all gonna change him fer a bull?”

“’sright,” said Butch and shore enuff, no more than an hour later, there he comes, leadin’ a bull. Well, I kin tell you, his eyes woulda made Buford’s look small!’

‘Why you pickin’ on me?’ said Buford, all hurt like.

‘I ain’t pickin’ on you; you got big eyes, is all!’

‘ ‘kay,’ said Buford, feelin' a tad better.

‘Anyways, ‘bout two weeks later, Bubba spied Butch with ‘nother box under his arm and sang out, “Whut you got there, Butch?’

“Pussycat.”

‘Well, Bubba dropped thet washrag right there and said, “You wait right there, I’m, comin along!”

Well now, Buford wus lookin’ fum one t’ th’ other, and they wus laughin’ fit t’ bust a gut, and after a while he started laughin’ too, but he din’ know why.

‘Hey Buford!’ sang out Abner.

‘Yeah?’

‘It’s a good thang you wusn’t wearin’ eatin britches t’day!’

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