PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 15
Article views: 35
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Zionomaximus africanus uncovered

08 October 2012, 09:42

This story is extremely tongue-in-cheek. For those who do not regularly read the drivel I write, stop reading. NOW!

Ladies and gentleman of the class of ’99 ... wear *sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. (Sorry, wrong story.)

In their never-ending mission to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no Orange Free State miner has gone before, scientologists have discovered an amazing species – living right here on MyNews24.

A renowned expert on scatology, Professor Piet Pompies, from the University of Limpopo, has announced that a strange life form was discovered while he was exploring the News24 website. The new species has been named Zionomaximus africanus, from the family of Verbaldiarrhoea-saurus.

Zionomaximus (let’s just call it **ZION, for short, shall we?) is old, quite short in height, covered in bristles, and its weight is roughly that of a Yorkshire terrier.

Prof Pompies is of the view that the bristles are a protective weapon which it uses for defence.

“The bristles make it look much bigger than it actually is – they poke out more strongly when ZION gets excited,” he explained.

“Exposure to the dust from hundreds of mines, as well as the fact that pigeons once crapped on its head, leads me to suspect that it has been irreversibly brain damaged,” the professor said.

This little creature has weird and bizarre tastes – and some unusual tendencies. Aside from posting hundreds of poems, pictures, and articles, Zionomaximus africanus – to use its copy-and-paste name – has a predilection for ***self-flagellation.

This is how it works:

ZION first publishes an article. The article would contain some blatant untruths and outright lies. Readers easily spot the distortion of the truth in his stories, and post their comments. And this is just what ZION wants! SELF-FLAGELLATION HEAVEN!

He then replies with a salvo of verbal abuse, swearing, name-calling, and lastly – when he runs out of expletives – he calls the reader a “twat.” And we all know what THAT means!

Sometimes, when he gets really agitated (which happens about a dozen times a day), his bristles get stuck in the keyboard. This causes the poor chap to WRITE HIS REJOINDERS IN UPPERCASE. 

Here are some of ZION’s answers to readers who did not agree with one of his legendary articles: “Effects of marijuana,” published 04 October 2012. (The spelling mistakes are unique to his writing technique.)

“I would love to give you my address f*ckface but you may walk out with your face the wrong way around. You are typical south African scrap just by the way you talk. so ok find me you uneducated runt.”

“HEY GAZA WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUR EARS MAN i TOLD YOU LONG AGO YOU ARE SUITABLE TO BE A SUICIDE BOMBER NO GO DO IT CRETIN.”

“I can hardly give you any credence for a load of crap, utter drivel as is known.I may be living my last days yet you are living yours in utter ignorance, Your comment is njothing more than a repetition of following the leader, zero intelligence. now run along and go play with your trike.”

“And becoming a criminal just by smoking it. buzz you are a dumb c*** and you lie your way out of a corner.”

If I didn’t know any better (and I probably don’t), I would say that Zionomaximus africanus, from the family of Verbaldiarrhoea-saurus, was a raving lunatic – completely bonkers.

Personally, I wouldn’t trust this species with a loaded weapon. Or sunscreen.

Now let’s all sing together:

“Old MacDonald had a farm,

Zee i zee i oh,

With a twat, twat here,

And a twat, twat there...”

*sunscreen - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQlJ3vOp6nI

**ZION – uppercase, caused by bristles getting stuck in the keyboard

***self-flagellation – not to be confused with spermatozoa who flagellate; will cause hair to grow on the palms of your hands

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
15 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
maseratifittipaldi
Reply to the Nelson Mandela Found...

Yes, there is no question about it. We need radical change. Social justice. But what are the ills we see? What are the solutions?  Read more...

0 comments 380 views
Submitted by
Chili Nel
ANC Adieu

A clearly debilitated ANC is limping along to 16 December, hoping for a miracle cure; something that would heal the suppurating sores on it’s mangy coat and save it from decaying into oblivion. Read more...

0 comments 441 views
Submitted by
Sean Parker
Which car would you max on this r...

If given the opportunity to reach the top speed of any car on an airfield, which set of wheels would you choose to go blisteringly quick in a straight line? Read more...

0 comments 4670 views
Submitted by
MikeHampton
Third force behind The President'...

Politics is a knife that cuts into the Public every which way it can. Politics is the sociopath, the Public its willing victim. The Public needs to demand better instead of praising sensationalism, gossip and bias over logic and truth. Read more...

0 comments 1938 views
Submitted by
GakwiMashego
Palestinians have nothing to gain...

Palestinian political unity is the biggest threat to the occupation. And demanding that Hamas disarm is the biggest threat to the unity agreement between Palestinian factions. Read more...

0 comments 188 views
Submitted by
Robyn Boake
Once the pride of CT, the MyCiti ...

Up until recently it was a service that Capetonians were proud of, a service bragged about as an example of what could be achieved as a solution for the masses. But that all changed. Read more...

0 comments 1445 views
 

services

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2017 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.