Oh Shucks! There's a boet on my stoep!

2020-01-14 13:18
On Monday social media was a buzzing, after a video of a group of Kyalami Estate residents fighting in the street surfaced.

On Monday social media was a buzzing, after a video of a group of Kyalami Estate residents fighting in the street surfaced. (Supplied)

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A few months ago, we were treated to the "fight of the decade" straight out of Pretoria North.

We thought that things could not get more entertaining than the memorable one-legged, beer-bellied bandit and poor Oom Hugo being ordered on numerous occasions to "bel die polisie!"

However, it just so happens that the perfect sequel to "Hugo, bel die polisie" has come out just in time to get the new decade off to a fist-swinging start.

Footage has recently emerged on social media of a street-fight erupting in the otherwise quiet neighbourhood of Kyalami Estate, Johannesburg over the past weekend.  

Two video clips show a couple of beefy boets locking horns in an apparent game of pavement-koppestamp.

Boet number 1 (for the sake of clarity, I have numbered these beefcakes) is already shirtless when the curtains are raised for this "Rumble in the suburban jungle".

But, apart from showing off his recent Margate-tan and brannas en Coke-belly, this boet also brandishes what looks like a samurai sword, despite the lady filming it claiming that "he's stabbing him with a knife!" in a trembling tone of voice that seem to only belong to those middle-class, manager-summoning maidens we all know and love.

However, I don't know what kind of "knives" they use up in laanie Kyalami, but as Crocodile Dundee would say: "You call that a knife? That's not a knife! That’s a blêrrie sword!

Speaking of the commentator, this girl was as impartial as a South African rugby commentator!

From the moment the clip starts we know who of the two beefcakes are in the wrong. And honestly, she doesn't have to convince us.

Boet 1 looks like a troublemaker, notwithstanding the fact that he brought a sword to a fistfight.

Meanwhile, the Matthew Pearce  of suburban Johannesburg street-brawling sets the scene for us, giving an accurate account of events as they happen.

At the same time, Boet 2, painfully aware that this fistfight is actually the final battle in Highlander, attempts to surprise his opponent by employing a blitzkrieg manoeuvre.

Boet 1 realises that he has an unfair advantage over Boet 2 and decides that they should, as in any B-grade action movie, "settle this like men".

He is on his way to place his sword back in its scabbard (yes, he still has the scabbard on him) when Boet 2 delivers a right-hand hook that would make Kallie Knoetze proud.

However, this seems to have little effect as Boet 1 quickly gets Boet 2 into a tight stranglehold and throws him to the ground in a textbook WWE move (one that would make Jimmy Abbot proud).

By this time a crowd had already gathered, but instead of trying to end proceedings so that they could go and enjoy G&Ts on the veranda, they join in.

One of the first responders, to his credit, actually tried to end the fight.

He had seen too much violence in Kyalami Estate and just wished that these two battling behemoths could settle their differences peacefully around the braai.

Unfortunately, he's the last guy you want when there's a clash of the titans happening outside your front door.

This kid looks barely 18, but somehow felt that his Justin Bieber hair and "commanding" tone (if teenage angst had a voice) could successfully end further bloodshed by crowing hoarsely "Break it up!"

He reminds me of Liefie, my family’s Jack Russell who always meant well but her shrill bark inevitably instigated fights.

While "Liefie" tries to negotiate peace, a maverick party enters the fracas, seeing the opportunity to settle old scores with both unsuspecting Boets who are still going at it on the ground.

While they are rolling around like pigs, an actual Jack Russell can be seen nonchalantly trotting by. This is when things get weird.

The camera momentarily pans away from the main event to reveal another situation developing further down the road.

Another shirtless chap has picked up the sword of his fellow exhibitionist.

But instead of taking the initiative, he gets chased by a Desperate Housewife, who doesn't seem to give a flying lemon meringue about this Braveheart wannabe.

That brief but memorable chase ends close to where the main fight is still raging.

We see that "Liefie" has decided to take action and latches himself to the maverick and actually succeeds in pulling him off.

At this point, an older gentleman enters the fray and pushes Boet 1 off of a bloody-faced Boet 2.

Boet 1, probably fearing that the tide has turned against him, does an about-turn and pleads his innocence, maintaining that Boet 2 was doing all the hitting.

What else was he supposed to do?

The Desperate Housewife does not buy this sudden change of attitude for one second and bosses Boet 1 towards his car.

At this point you would be forgiven for thinking that perhaps hostilities are ending, but then we meet the Dachshund Dame.

All she wanted was a quiet afternoon to walk her beloved dog, now these cretins were disrupting her plans.

She promptly gives the poor little Dachshund to Matthew Pearce (who now has a potential Sophie's choice to make: tend to Molly the Dachshund or continue filming on her iPhone while holding five kilograms of dog – she chooses the latter).

The Dachshund Dame beelines straight for "Liefie" who still tries to invoke some sort of peace deal.

Expletives are exchanged and everyone seems irritated about being on the street longer than necessary.

Things start to de-escalate until the younger generation of "Boet Fighters" also want to test their mettle.

The video ends with the staccato voice of Matthew Pearce urging one of the younger Boets to stand down.

And then we see trees, high walls and electric fences. We don’t know what happened after that.

Did Boet 1 and Boet 2 climb into their respective BMW’s (with custom racing-stripes) and go their separate ways? Or did they somehow manage to sit around the same braai fire that night with "Liefie" replaying the Rugby World Cup final on Showmax to revive those positive vibes? I don't know, but I hope, at least for now, that sword is back in its scabbard.

Jako Bezuidenhout

Kenton-on-Sea

Eastern Cape

Read more on:    johannesburg  |  viral video
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