The Contrarian reviews Fifty Shades of Grey (R21)

Picture the setting: I’m out with my super-hot Asian girlfriend and it is Valentine’s Day. We decide to spice up an already romantic Valentine’s Day evening by watching Fifty Shades of Grey . . . and oh my god!

What a damn joke Fifty Shades of Grey is to those who are actually interested in the ‘adult’ themes it falsely banners to generate nothing but ‘click-bait’ ticket sales! I’ve seen more imaginative and groundbreaking low-budget, b-rated, straight-to-dvd Pornos (the likes which E-TV in SA used to screen after midnight) than this kiddy crap!

The way this bummer of a movie is being marketed as ‘racy’ should be considered false advertising! It did have the intended effect though: drawing into the theater way too many single males hoping to see some bush!

How disappointed and foolish they must have felt when the credits began rolling, and not even a flash of muff had graced the screen. I sure hope they had a sympathetic female they could contact to get some action on with.

[I am also getting a bit sick of the clinging cliché uttered by bookworms, that ‘the film wasn’t as good as the book.’  Admittedly, I’ve not read the book from which the screenplay is lifted, but I most certainly won’t read it now! I don’t care how ‘good’ the book is! The movie alone ensured that I won’t ever bother with this franchise again!]

My girlfriend and I entered the theater expecting to come out of same unable to keep our hands off each other and aiming for the nearest cab to take us to one of the posh hotels in Singapore to exorcise the lust that we hoped would possess us while watching this supposedly ‘adult’ movie!

Instead, we concurred that we should have intervened, for the audience’s sake—maybe gone up to the screen and started putting on a live show to give the viewers what they had paid for! You know, show them real lust, real fantasy, and real perversion.

Overview:

Fifty Shades of Grey gives us a peek into the mind of a nerdy girl who in a more classical renditions spends all her free time in the library while fantasizing about one of her professors.

Off the bat the movie gets it wrong for its male audience. The lead actress (whom I won’t even bother to google) is a horrible choice for the role. She is a plain looking lead actress with crooked teeth and hair on her legs (YES! HAIR!)—in every scene she strips— and that just killed it for me. I can’t get into an erotic scene when I think that I’m looking at a carpet sample!

Come on, a plain-looking, unshaved (and that’s just the body parts you expect to see in a PG13 movie), naïve virgin redhead who works at a hardware store and studied English literature (how original) gets to interview a Billionaire businessman when her journalist friend needs to cancel for ‘health’ reasons, gets infatuated to the point of making a fool of herself several times during what should have been a professional interview, and still captures the interest of the demi-god entrepreneur whose decides to overlook his supermodel secretary (one of many shuffling seductively around his office building) who brought the pencil-chewing rag off the streets to his office for his ‘interview.’

But the closer she gets to him in their enticing escalating affair, she sees less of the knight in armor and more of the pervert, but disregards all warnings of impending trouble and slips a little more each day into his sick world!

I know geeky teenage girls fantasize about this sort of encounter, you know, the one that predictably leads to the ‘unattainable’ billionaire expressing his interest in her plain, pale ass over that of the super-hot women throwing themselves at his feet; taking her for romantic escapades in his private chopper or to his impressive vacation property; buying her a brand new luxury car because he thinks her old one is too unreliable, but let’s be mature about this for one second: this is an R21 rated movie (at least in Singapore), and I was not interested in seeing Twilight with but the intermittent single pair of tits flashing on screen.

I also realise this movie is supposed to appeal to the same sort of plain-Jane daydreamer, romance-obsessed teenage girl that the Twilight series of movies owe their box office successes to, but the adult and BDSM tones in Fifty Shades meant that I can’t brush this off as a ‘fantasy in the woods’ type of movie. I bet even the target audience has the sexual maturity to deem this movie lame when held up to the provocative image on which it promotes itself.

This is an attempt at fantasy not seen or reviled as intensely since the release of that nonsense Never-ending Story series—flying giant dog and all!

Also get ready to hear male nagging for sex in its most pathetic big-screen rendition yet: “Have you signed the contract yet?”

Let us be clear about this: A man who begs for sex should not get any! The man should hunt!

Political undertones (really?):

Then there is the political undertones that some claim to see and which I failed to glimpse even while deliberately looking for them:

The internet already oozes with the gushing of neotards who are hailing this boner-killer of a fetish film ‘a liberation for female sexuality.’

I beg your pardon? Where is the liberation of the vagina? Where is the so-called social emancipation of the fairer gender? Where is the green-light some female reviewers claim was turned on for female masturbation?

Go online and search ‘sybian,’ you bland bunch of bored housewives, if you want to see the emancipation of the sexually-frustrated modern female! That machine is already so old it belongs in a museum!

Talk about political wish thinking!

This movie could not greenlight the proper use of a vibrator, yet some feminists and otherwise liberally-inclined morons are acting as if this movie is the greatest door-opener for female sexuality! What a joke society has become.

If anything, Fifty Shades of Grey merely denigrates the already stereotypical image of sexually frustrated, single, and socially awkward females. I mean, I’ve had the misfortune of knowing some aging virgin females in my time, but they aren’t as naïve, bimbotic, or easily enticed into BDSM-style sex at the behest of an egomaniac—as the movie suggests—after just one bang and a helicopter ride!

Needless to say, my girlfriend and I entertained ourselves after the movie, but I feel bad for those who did not have that same luxury.

So after being bored into fooling around with each other in the cinema, my girlfriend and I went home, and what transpired there is private, but certainly would be fit for a top-selling salacious and perverted book series as well as a movie adaptation bearing an R21 rating!

And while the conservatively minded may call me sick for mentioning how much more extreme my partner and I are in bed, to them I would only say, “you are reading a Fifty Shades of Grey review, I think you have already betrayed your conservative position, so just shut it.”

If you can live with not being dragged along by the hype over this movie, then just ignore it. You will miss nothing.

Summed Up:

Twilight with tits (and nothing else). No! Seriously!

Fifty Shades of Grey comes with a shop-worn theme that lacks any originality or real spiciness. I was not expecting X-rated porn, but I was expecting an adult film that took the sex scenes and BDSM references seriously!

Final Score:

Without hesitation I give this movie a suitable downward pointing flaccid phallus to represent my official ‘thumbs down’ rating.

I left the cinema feeling as if I had been a victim of a Candid Camera prank. Luckily, unlike the director of Fifty Shades of Grey, I have access to a much better looking female lead . . .  and don’t need to limit my production on the dull creativity of a literary source!

Single men, heed my advice: Your money will be better spent buying a random woman in a bar some drinks than seeing this movie—lord knows you will have a better chance at seeing some skin than Fifty Shades of Gray exposes during its most ‘explicit’ moments.

If all else fails, rather go rent a copy of Basic Instinct. At least you will see some appealing muff in that movie.

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